In Production: Documentary of Crimes Witnessed

I have to finish the video project. I know I'm only doing it for myself -- no one will help me or care about the victims.

I don't know what the consequences will be. The criminals could come after me and murder me -- again, no one will care.

I may even lose my job as a result of this and get evicted. It's too hard to finish this project if I'm homeless.

Technology keeps failing me.

The project evidence is as complete as it's going to get. All I have to do is put it together. Audio, Video, Photos, Emails and Transcripts are available.

Everyone will know the truth about the sex trafficking, kidnapping, rape and murders I witnessed.

Cops are complicit in these crimes and have assisted the criminals. City officals and departments have also gone along with criminal activity and are responsible for: the murder of Irma Huerta Lopez, the sexual assault of Celeste Guap, and complicit in the murder of Tatiana Sunshine Dugger.

The victims have not been found or identified (yet). I have more evidence awaiting lab results. It's taken too long. I'm not going to wait anymore.

The criminals can't hide.

#rape #kidnapping #crime #sextrafficking #murder #sanfrancisco #chinatown #oakland #montclair

Speaking Out: It Begins

I won't be silent anymore. I'm going to speak out about the crimes that happened. I won't let the criminals get away with this. I know who they are. I will speak out.

It's been a year

 The victims still haven't been found.

Life Interrupted

LIFE INTERRUPTED

I know these dates by heart:
2010
2011
2013
2014
2015
2016
2018
2019
2020
2021

These are all the times I've been a victim or witness to violence.

My stories even reflect this harsh reality. You can see a huge SLASH where the story just stops and nothing is written ever again.

I have over 50 unfinished stories. They've all stopped when something bad happened to me.

I've been homeless.
I've been harassed by cops.
I've witnessed kidnapping, rape and sex-trafficking.
I was almost kidnapped, raped and possibly murdered.

I fear for the victims now; they might be dead.

I received horrible news about another victim who was sex-trafficked. Police never helped them or the family.

They are dead now.

I try to write about these horrible things.
I can't.

Everytime I try, something stops me--life gets in the way and I have to run away again, so that I can survive another day.

Survive for what?
I'm not even sure anymore.

Too much has happened to me.
My life has been interrupted so many times. Too many re-starts and I never get to finish anything.

I've never finished my degrees.
I've never finished my jobs.
I've had over 12 different employers in 5 years.

Even my rental history has jumped around so much, landlords don't want to rent to me.
My credit is lower than it should be because of this.

How can a woman live when she's constantly interrupted by crime?

How to Prepare Yourself for Being Murdered

Most people plan for the future and think about what they want to be, where they will live and who they'll live with.

Normal people plan for their education, careers and how many children they'll have.

Some people make alternate plans given their current situation and whether or not they can afford a new car, a down payment on a house or if they can manage to pay off their student loan debt.

Me?

I can't plan for the future. I don't have that luxury. I may not even live that long. I'm not even forty-years-old. I'm a woman. I have no children, no husband and no family. People like me don't live very long.

Most of us die at an early age.

Most of us are murdered.

*

Predators go after easy targets. Nearly all predators are men.

It doesn't matter how young or old you are, if you're pretty or ugly or thin or fat. You'll be a victim.

Nothing can save you, except perhaps lots of money.

Women who have no place to go are the easiest targets.

Young girls get into fights with their parents, maybe they're kicked out because they're gay or got into too much trouble. Nobody ever asks why they get into so much trouble but they don't seem to care about that question. All people expect is for them to obey, to conform and to not question authority—even when that authority expects the wrong things from them or when that authority makes them do the wrong thing.

Nobody ever asks why.

A young man, older man, any man comes along and offers these girls in trouble a place to stay. They don't say why they're offering but you can take a guess.

The girl ends up in three ways: raped, pregnant or dead.

Nobody ever asks why this happens—it just does.

Young men, older men and any men do these things because they can. Nobody questions them.

They only tell other young girls—don't end up like those girls. Don't be bad like they are. Nobody ever asks why they are bad but nobody seems to care about that question.

Older women are also at risk.

They may do everything right, except for picking the wrong man to be with.

Older women do normal things like finish college, have a career then have children. Older women are not like those bad girls who made the wrong choices. These older women are nearly perfect in every way.

However, the man they chose to be with is not. The man may have problems, he may drink, have a temper and be abusive at times. Nobody ever asks why this is—it just is.

The man ends up hitting the wife but just a few times at first. Maybe she made him mad and maybe he had good reason to hit her. Maybe she likes getting hit and beaten and thrown on the ground—she's very clumsy after all and that's probably why he's beating her.

And the children... did anyone ask about the children? Perhaps you may have missed them. They were in the corner hiding from their angry daddy. They know their daddy can be nice at times but right now he's very angry and he's hitting mommy. They don't know why he's hitting mommy but they know they'd better stay out of sight or daddy will start to hit them. They don't want that, do they?

Then one day mommy has had enough. She starts packing her things when daddy is away and tells her children, “It's time to go now” and she plans for her escape. She may have relatives or friends she can stay with, people who believe her and know how bad her husband is.

One wonders if they knew the husband was bad, why didn't they intervene sooner? But nobody seems to care about this question.

But the mommy and children haven't escaped yet because the husband is looking for them. The husband starts to call everyone, especially her family. He soon finds out where she is and comes after her.

The man may do three things: apologize and beg her to come back, all the while making promises he'll never keep. He may not say anything and arrive mysteriously without warning to her location and take the children since they see daddy isn't angry with them and at last resort he may threaten her.

Did I say three things? I meant four.

He'll take the children away and she'll never seem them again.

He knows not to threaten her in front of family members or anyone because that makes him look like the bad guy and he's not a bad guy! He just needs to keep his woman in line. He doesn't need to apologize to her since it's her fault he was angry at her. She's the cause of all his misery. He has a right to his children because they're his and if they aren't his, well that's her fault and by good and golly he'll set her straight and get his revenge.

Oh yes, five things.

He'll kill them all.

Nobody ever asks why this violent man believes the woman is the cause of his misery or why he wants to take his revenge by murdering her and the children, but nobody seems to care about this question.

There are other women who society doesn't bother with. Society considers them worthless, therefore these women have no place to go. These women aren't bad and don't ask for trouble, yet trouble seems to find them no matter what.

The women who have no place to go are called homeless. They have no shelter, save for what meager settings the city or county services decides to give them. Often this is very limited. In many cases, these women are left on the street.

These women may have a disability or what is commonly called, a mental illness. This disqualifies them as human beings in society's eyes. They may shout at the air, condemn strangers or yell at themselves. They are re-living the trauma they suffered before on the street, in shelters, in foster homes or broken marriages or abuse from family members.

Predators find these women easily and take advantage of them. Predators in this case are called: drug-dealers, pimps, rapists, abusers, perverts and other homeless.

These predators go after these women because they know society views them as worthless. Another term for these so-called worthless women is: unreliable witness.

Who's going to believe a crazy person who shouts “rape” at everyone? No one cares about the lives of these women who've suffered so much.

Nobody every asks why people don't care about these women or why they've suffered so much and nobody seems to care.

Then there are the women outcasts—women not even given the lower ladder of society's caste system.

These women have many names, some of which are interchangeable: whore, prostitute, slut, bitch, and worthless.

Some women have to sell their bodies to get money, food and shelter. Sometimes they need drugs to deal with the pain they've dealt with at the hands of others. These women have been through a lot.

Predators know they can target these women with impunity. The police don't care about women who sell their bodies. Therefore, another common term for these women ends up being: dead.

Nobody asks why these women have to sell their bodies or why police don't protect these women but nobody seems to care about these questions.

There are women who are known as Trans. Not everyone sees them as women. Society may not see these women as having worth, therefore society does not protect these Trans women.

Trans women face more violence including: increased exposure to HIV/Aids, drug-use, violence from intimate partners and violence from law enforcement.

Murder is a common fact among Trans women. It's a reality and a known outcome for most: knowing that the police will do nothing when you report violence and sexual assault, knowing you have nowhere to go because your own family has thrown you out, knowing you can't even go into a bathroom without risking threats, rape or violence.

Who can you trust when everyone around you is a threat?

Nobody ever asks why Trans women are being murdered and nobody seems to care that this is happening—it just is.

Perhaps the most chilling fact is that children are also at risk for being murdered.

They are not bad children and no child deserves to be murdered.

Children are murdered by: their family members, teachers, preachers, neighbors, police, strangers and pedophiles.

Nobody ever asks why these children are being murdered and nobody seems to know the answer to this question—it just happens.

Knowing that anyone can be murdered for no reason at all is the most horrifying truth. You don't have to be a bad person to be murdered. You can be a good person and be murdered. Anyone can murder you, even your own family members.

I think the most common cause of murder is that the victim cannot escape. Murderers take advantage of their victims who can't escape.

Then there are the murderers.

Why do they murder?

We know the answer to this question: because they can.

Nobody prevents a murderer from killing someone.

People don't know someone has been murdered until they find the dead body.

Why is this?

Law enforcement knows the answer to this question: because they silenced the witnesses.

When a witness suspects someone of being a murderer they try call for help, to tell someone to prevent the murder from happening.

Police are the ones who answer the call.

The police are the ones who are supposed to stop the murder. That's the idea, right?

Wrong.

Many murders have happened because police refuse to listen to the victims: the women who are beaten by their partners, by their family, by their clients. Women who are not considered women are also not believed by police.

Then the murders happen. The victims who tried to call for help are murdered.

People act shocked but they knew all along that it would happen, because they let it happen.

Family members are complicit in the crime when they refuse to stop the abuse, the molestations, the rapes and the murders.

Teachers, nurses, doctors, priests and preachers are complicit when they know who the abuser is but claim they can't do anything. Even when they do report it to police, nothing is done.

Neighbors will tell media in a fit of greedy spot-light hogging, that they knew all along who the murderer was. Some of those neighbors even called the cops.

But the cops did nothing. The neighbors who didn't call the cops, did nothing. The media did nothing until the body was found.

It's almost as if they want these murders to happen.

Why?

The sick answer is: for entertainment.

Thousands of shows are dedicated to the glamorization of women victims. Detective shows on TV feature crazed-but-calm murderers hiding within plain sight. People even glamorize real-life murderers and put their faces on magazines, tabloids and make movies of them.

This is not an effective way to prevent murder.

I could argue for vigilante justice—that we should be able to stop the murderers ourselves with our own hands and weapons. The trouble is, it also makes us murderers.

There are complicated scenarios where the death of the murderer is also the death of the victim—in cases of extreme hostage situations where the victim is still missing. There are also victims who rely on the murderer's well-being for their own: wives who need husband's money, children who are dependent on the murderer and partners who still need shelter that the murderer provided for them.

It's a vicious cycle.

There are many predators out there who are ready to be the next murderer. You can kill one murderer but there are hundreds of thousands more to take their place.

How do you kill the heart of this monstrous hydra?

Teach people not to kill. Teach men not to take their hatred upon women and victims. Stop making victims of people.

Knowing all that I've said here and what the facts are, can you say that you're prepared to be murdered?

Knowing that it's only a matter of luck that saves you from being murdered, can you honestly say that you can prevent your own murder?

Your race, economic background, education, class status, location or neighborhood, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, disability, social vulnerability, and other over-looked factors can determine if you're at risk for being murdered.

There are always statistics, yes. Some people are more at risk than you are for being murdered. This is a sad truth. Many people don't even have to consider this and never have to prepare for being murdered.

Sadly, many have. There are children who never plan what they want to be when they grow up because it's not a matter of when they grow up but if they grow up.

There are children now who are put in cages by our own government because of where they come from. These children have escaped violence in their country, only to face more violence at the hands of more abusers. The children have been forcibly separated from their families and must face this new threat on their own.

If those kids ever happen upon a predator, who can they call for help? These children are vulnerable to attack.

How are we preventing future murders?

When we victimize others we make them easy prey for predators.

We should be protecting the vulnerable and not defending predators and potential murderers.

If we can't prevent the murder of others, how can we expect to protect ourselves from murder?

Until these things are accomplished, the murders will continue.

*

I cannot hope to prevent my own murder should it occur.

There is no one to call for help, since I know I cannot rely on police.

I am one of the unwanted in society with no family and few friends. I am not young, photogenic or popular. I am not rich and I don't have a high status in society. I know I'm at risk for being murdered.

Knowing that I could be murdered does not make it easy to accept.

I know my murderer most likely has committed violent crimes before and is probably a repeat offender. The police may already know the identity of my murderer. There may be witnesses who have called police about my murderer or even testified in court against him. I'm pretty sure my murderer will be a man.

Given the rise of violence against women and violent assaults that have taken place, I know my murder will be gruesome and painful. This is a hideous fact to accept.

I also know that my probability for rape will increase, since police don't prosecute rape. It's very likely my killer is also a rapist and has raped in the past. It's also likely that my killer may be a pedophile.

The police have all the evidence they need to catch this criminal but they refuse to do so. I'm not of any worth to the police and they will not face any penalties for not preventing my death. They know I don't have relatives who will prosecute and that any relatives I have would not have enough money to hire fancy lawyers who are capable of suing the police. Very few police have been prosecuted for not doing their duty.

Negligence is also a perfect crime. The murderers rely on police negligence to murder more of their victims.

The only thing that seems to stop murderers is public outcry. A witch-hunt, if you will. Murderers hate being exposed and condemned.

If the killers enjoy high status and camouflage themselves in jobs like teacher, nurse, doctor, police officer or the like, then the witch-hunt will not affect them.

It takes many people to bring down a killer. People must be united in stopping the murderer from claiming more victims.

Pedophiles are often met with extreme hostility, yet even the powerful manage to elude public scorn and even become President. Pedophiles and killers can also be celebrities.

Anyone who can turn public opinion can be a killer, therefore most killers have a lot of confidence and can be extremely convincing. They are masters at deception and fact-twisting. They can even make it seem like the victim asked to be killed.

You would think this impossible yet we believe it all the time. Prostitutes ask to be killed. Trans women ask to be killed. They're asking for it. How many times have you heard this?

There's a reason predators choose vulnerable and un-wanted people as their victims.

There are people around us who want vulnerable people dead. No, they're not killers precisely but aren't they accomplices? They certainly didn't do anything to prevent the murder of vulnerable people. Some even encouraged the murder of vulnerable people.

Why don't we speak out against murder?

There is fear.

We don't want to be the next victim. That's understandable. When we see murders around us and no justice, then there is no choice but to keep our heads down and stay out of the way.

I certainly have attracted the worst kind of criminals by speaking out about their atrocities committed.

Anytime I talk about rape or murder, all those rapists and murderers come out of the woodwork to offer their condolences and support. They are also quick to offer me a place to stay, since people like me are often homeless.

These White Knights are very common. They are quick to come to the rescue of us damsels in distress, since obviously everyone else has scorned us. We seek help where we find it, isn't that always how it is? We seek help and get murdered in return.

Everyone blames it on us, that we asked for it. We attract these criminals by showing our vulnerability. Anytime we try to fight back, we're punished. When we manage to stand up for ourselves, we're quickly cut down and dragged through the mud.

My own experience has proven this to be true. I'm most isolated when I speak out against crime.

Is it any wonder I'm next to be murdered?

*

Right now during the pandemic, POC are rising up and protesting against police brutality. This has made them targets of more violence and targets of media scorn. They've been called: rioters, looters and trouble-makers. Some are being called terrorists. Some are being lynched. They are still being murdered.

Right now, children in detention centers are facing a new violence: COVID-19 and the government agencies such as: Geo Group, ICE and CBP are complicit in the crime of infecting them.

Women prisoners, some in prison for defending themselves against their attackers, are facing COVID-19 on their own without help from others. The for-profit prisons are the culprits of this new attack and don't care about spreading the virus.

#IamVanessaGuillen

#JusticeforBreonnaTaylor

#MeToo

COVID-19 Pandemic Alienation and Violence Against Women

I can't explain just how alienating this pandemic has been for me.

I'm poor and I live in an SRO.

There's no house for me. There's no kitchen where I can bake bread, like all the housewives are doing now during the pandemic. There's no garden where I can plant my own food.

I have no car to drive with.

My friends are online sometimes and I rarely talk to them. They all live in houses. I do not.

It's even more alienating during a pandemic when you're witness to violence.

I had to call the police after hearing something very disturbing. A man was committing violence against a woman upstairs from me. But the police wouldn't believe me because I didn't “SEE” anything.

The man is moving out... but there's nothing else I can do. No one believes me about the woman.

I can't tell you how alienating this is for me.

Victims of violence are often gaslighted and so are witnesses.

I can't do much more.

People like me are the first to die, especially during a pandemic.

I've seen how the homeless are treated.

It's beyond frustrating. It fills me with rage.

All the normal people are complaining they can't bake their bread well enough. All the people safe in their houses complain about having to clean out the garage now during the pandemic. All the “work at home” techies complain about how slow Amazon is during the pandemic—with no regard to the unprotected workers. All the other people are hoarding toilet paper.

Meanwhile, I still have to deal with violence around me.

I can't socialize very well with people whose only priority is ordering dresses or knitting or baking bread...

I can't talk to people who've never witnessed or experienced violence.

It's a total disconnect.

I cannot connect with these strange people who seem to be another species from me.

I know people who lose their minds from this disconnect. Some people do drugs. Others drink. Some people kill themselves.

I don't know what I'll do yet.

But I do want to escape.

If I'm going to be trapped somewhere, it may as well be nice.

Where can I flee to?

There was housing discrimination before the virus. It's even worse when people don't have any income.

I'm still trapped in poverty. No matter how hard I work I can't get over poverty.

I'm trying to study more about PTSD and C-PTSD to understand my symptoms and why it's affecting me so strongly. I realized the underprivileged suffer more from trauma than privileged “Normal” people.

I don't have the luxury of baking bread during the pandemic.

Judith Herman (about self-/conscious raising), “It was okay to trust your own observations... even if nobody else seemed to think that what you saw made any sense.”

https://traumainform.wordpress.com/2012/07/07/judith-herman-and-the-formulation-of-c-ptsd/

It's too hard to recover in isolation.

I have feelings of guilt and shame. I believe the perpetrator of violence upstairs was taking revenge on me. He knows I can hear him. I don't know what happened to the woman or if he killed her. Cops won't do anything without proof. Even if I hear violence it's not enough to call cops.

I was listening to music and laughing and being myself. I was getting back in shape and watching videos online. I was fine.

And then this creep upstairs violated a woman. He's been doing this off an on, bringing women over on weekends... and I don't know what happens to them after.

Women have disappeared and their bodies dumped—cops won't do anything.

I can't heal in a place like this.

The guy upstairs is supposed to be leaving but the violence won't end.

I don't know how to make it end.

Trying to study more:

The Impact of Trauma on Adult Sexual Assault Victims 2019

Report Submitted to: Justice Canada

by Dr. Lori Haskell, C. Psych., Dr. Melanie Randall

https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/trauma/trauma_eng.pdf

indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by

the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in

affiliation with or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.

My Encounter with EBT (welfare/food stamp card) Discrimination

This is my first time on welfare/food stamps via CalFresh and already, I've encountered many roadblocks when shopping for food.

EBT (food stamp card in California) doesn't cover:

• Household items: toilet paper, soap, cleaning supplies etc.
• Medicine, medicinal supplies
• Liquor products
• Tobacco products
• Certain cold prepared foods/hot foods
• May not be accepted at small stores that mainly sell liquor

If half the store's gross income comes from the sale of liquor, then you probably can't use your EBT card there. I also found out certain POS systems will not accept EBT such as Clover, Square, etc.

Only now have Amazon and WalMart opened up their stores for online purchase using an EBT card but it's not clear how people will pay for delivery and extra charges. Many people can't afford to order food online and have it delivered and the government is slow to make an exception for EBT card holders.

There are also limits depending what state you live in and I was surprised to find California excluded from most of these options.

When I first went to Trader Joe's and used my EBT card, I just bought food and non-taxable items. No toilet paper, soap or anything else. It was about $44, which is what I spend per week for:

• rice
• soup
• vegetables
• fruit
• juice
• milk
• eggs
• salsa, rice mix
• cheese
• meat
• tofu

However, there was a really long line at the Trader Joe's today and I guess I have to go around noon to avoid the horrendous wait time.

I went to CVS to pick up toilet paper and some cleaning stuff like alcohol etc.

When I got there—no toilet paper, only napkins and baggies, so I grabbed those. There was no rubbing alcohol or sanitizer, so I grabbed a tiny bottle of hydrogen peroxide for $1.49. Not too bad. A 3 pack of baby wipes 72 ct. went for $7.29.

The worst prices at CVS? A 50 ct. brown lunch bag set for $3.09 and 1 pack of napkins 40 ct. for $3.29. Big time rip-off. But I figured in case I ran out of toilet paper it would be necessary.

All together my semi-necessary splurge cost: $16.46.

It was not EBT eligible.

Do cashiers know you're on welfare when you use the EBT card? YES!

The guy asked me if it was hard to get the card and I said “No, go through CalFresh.” Then he saw my card get declined and I think he'll think twice about applying for EBT now.

Next up, to avoid the hideous lines at Trader Joes, I went to a small mom and pop shop that used to be a liquor store. So, I opted to go small and local. Not so great an idea...

Clover milk whole quart $1.99.

Corn tortillas small pack $1.79.

Toilet paper: $7.99.

$8 for toilet paper? Yes, that's what I paid because I was on my last roll. Toilet paper by fiora, 264 2-ply sheets, 12 rolls.

San Francisco tax: 8.5%

Total purchase: $12.45

Not EBT eligible on their Clover device (it said it was Declined and unable to process card) but they boasted an ATM which I didn't use. I think there's a charge to use an ATM on the EBT card so I didn't bother.

Then I went to another smaller shop in Nob Hill, which probably gets most of it's sales from liquor because when I tried to use my EBT card, it was declined.

Eggs: $7.99. Nothing is priced in this store and the last time I went there for eggs, they were $4.99, so I know they're ripping people off.

Tomatoes: $5.00 ($1.00 for each tomato from Mexico)

Total purchase: $12.99 (good news: no tax!)

So, I seriously had to spend $41.90 for essentials in today's world of COVID-19.

This was an interesting lesson for me to learn and luckily I have savings to pay for these exorbitant items.

Trouble is, not everyone has this luxury.

I live in San Francisco, so all I had to do was take a small bus ride up (I wore my mask the entire time while in the bus and shopping, as not everyone did this). The areas I shopped at were close together, so I didn't have to go far and I walked all the way down the hill to where I live.

Imagine if you're a person with a baby, in a baby carriage and other small kids with you—it wouldn't be so easy and it would likely take an extra 30 minutes per trip to each store while waiting for the bus, which is another 10-15 minutes per trip. No way can you do this while working.

Also, take another scenario where you live in an area devoid of actual super markets such as the Tenderloin or out in Hunter's Point, where the grocery shortage is well-known and publicized. You can't use your EBT card in liquor stores. You would have to use an ATM—assuming that there is an ATM in a bad, crime-ridden area and that you can afford the extra charge. There aren't many buses out in those areas either, so it would take twice as long to get someplace to buy food if those liquor stores will not accept your EBT card.

It's a rigged system against people who need social services the most and when the government takes punitive action against citizens for using food stamps—there isn't much people can do.

Many state and federal laws have now put limits on using ATM and cash payments through EBT.

This on top of a massive food shortage widens the gap between the fed and unfed.

In a country that spends billions of dollars on corporations and military weapons, this is inexcusable.

It's not like the rich care or help poor people or average citizens. I tell you, not many can escape the horrid scrutiny of the rich upon the poor.

This morning, I got a lecture from a rich person online who had never been on food stamps and they said,

 “There should be limits to what you can buy—don't buy junk food!”. 

This troll had no idea that I don't buy junk food at all and really can't eat any donuts, etc. because I have Celiac Disease. This person unknowingly attacked me when I mentioned that for the first time in my life, I had to apply for food stamps because of the COVID-19 crisis.

It's this kind of narrow-minded, ignorant thinking that has led to punitive measures against the poor and people who are in need of social services when a broken system lets them down.

Not everyone is a “welfare queen”. Your wealth is not self-earned but is dependent on the work of others, on your families' wealth and government breaks you get—which are many for the rich and few for the poor.

I wrote a lengthy paper in college concerning the stereotypes of the poor and the discrimination they face—oftentimes at the hands of criminals who have taken money from the poor (see also: rich senators who sold their stocks during the COVID-19 crisis). Legislators have no business regulating us if they can't regulate themselves.

My encounter with welfare discrimination is a mere slight against me and I'm hoping this will not be long-term for me, though it is a tough reality for many others around me, including some of my friends. For people who need these social services the most, it is a disaster to navigate.

Let's not make it any harder on people who we should be helping, not harming.

We're in this together, let's show some respect and stop the discrimination.

Living In the Age of COVID-19, San Francisco

They're starting to board up the buildings now. At H&M, one lone construction guy was nailing boards across the doorway, so no homeless people could sleep there.

I'm afraid to go out. I had to dress up to apply for the Census job and a homeless man asked me for change.

"For coffee. For some coffee," he said, coming closer to me. I had to shake my head and say, "Sorry, I don't have cash." I hardly ever carry cash on me.

Police at Powell Street Station were telling a homeless man to move along. "I just don't like repeating myself," the policeman said.

The Farmer's Market was still going at the Civic Center Plaza, since they sell food and also accept food stamps. All the bars are closed but the cannabis dispensaries are still open--it's medicine for others.

All non-essential business is closed. Buses are still going, drug stores (Walgreens/CVS, etc.) are still open.

I feel like I'm in the apocalypse. I can't describe how unreal it feels. I'm still in shock. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal but there won't really be a normal after this.

Yesterday, most of North Beach was shut down--save for a couple cafes and food places doing To-go/Cash only. "One party at a time please" the sign on the door said, in order to comply with the health official's request to limit groups of people.

I hope the COVID-19 cases are going down but I think it will get worse before it gets better. More people are getting the virus. A doctor at UCSF has it and he's quarantined at home. We will see more people die. The homeless are most at-risk. The city is still taking punitive measures against them--tearing down tents, taking away their belongings and vital paperwork (ID's, etc.).

It's not right. Our city, government and country has failed its most vulnerable people.

"Telecommuting" is the new privileged phrase on the Titanic ship called COVID-19. Only a few rescue boats for the rich and privileged are available. The rest of us will have to drown.

Already, the news is reporting cases where rich celebrities have been tested for the COVID-19 virus but everyone else is stuck at hospitals waiting for tests-kits that are out of stock. The White House cut funding for the CDC and has not addressed this shortage. The Trump administration is not helping matters at all.

My job is on hold until May. I'm living off my savings. I'm still applying for other jobs and have applied for unemployment. I'm trying to stay busy.

Starbucks was open. Burger King had roped off all tables and chairs with "Do Not Cross" tape. 7-11 was open.

Jobs have been cut. There are massive layoffs. I don't know how this will affect our shipping supply or our food. Gas prices are down but it doesn't matter now. Maybe the environment will improve? It's not much to hope for.

I want to get out. I want to escape but there's nowhere to go. Some people are leaving the country and going back to their home, since they have better healthcare there than in the US. I'm alone except for my boyfriend. My Dad has bronchitis and I'm worried about him. He works for the VA in Oregon and I don't know what the situation is like there.

Most of my friends can work at home. Some of my friends are on Disability. Some are facing homelessness.

I don't want to complain. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I was facing bad depression before this and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I have to do something, like I can't just stay in my room the whole time. I live in Chinatown. I don't like telling people this but that's how it is.

I've been going online, to a website called, 7 Cups to help myself and talk to others about depression. It helps some. Many people have anxiety about the virus situation. Many have lost their jobs. Some have loved ones with the virus.

It's too much to comprehend. It's too much for a lot of people. It's tempting to shut down and give up. There will be another toll--not directly related to the virus--that people are unprepared for. The mental health of people in this country is fragile. Very little keeps us going. Society is an illusion and if you take away the basic needs: Shelter, Food and Safety--you won't have a society anymore. This is already happening. It will get worse before it gets better.

How do you prepare for the shut-down of society? You can't.

Thrown together with a disaster that's now world-wide--there is no plan.

Disasters I've seen:

•  COVID-19
• The Camp Fire 
• Puerto Rico disaster
• The Oroville Dam threat
• Japan Earthquake and radiation exposure
• Haiti Earthquake
• The Paradise/Oroville fire of 2008
• Hurricane Katrina
•  9/11

The Oroville Dam threat was where the dam almost broke and people had to be evacuated.

Tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, fires, earthquakes... only a few were directly related to me or to someone I know.

On the news, you realize how small our world is. A couple from Chico, California died in the tornado that hit Tennessee. I didn't know them but my friends knew the couple who died.

Everything is precarious. Safety is an illusion and anything can change.

Everyday Stories Part III

We work in hell...

I'm still growing up. That is to stay, I've never grown up. Let me tell you that I didn't get my first full-time job until I came to San Francisco in 2015. That's not a good record. I've worked many times and much of the time, but I never got paid my due. I volunteered a lot and did tons of Free Work that never paid the bills. I still have a lot to learn.

Most privileged people have schooling, go to high school, go to college, graduate and get a job. I say this is for privileged people because most don't accomplish this. I know a lot of my friends went into the military after college and while some would say that's a job, it's definitely not the route they wanted to go. A lot of my friends have degrees but don't have a job that matches their skill level—or their debt. Many are stuck with jobs they hate or do just to pay the bills.
 
I never had to pay the bills... until I moved to San Francisco. After my grandparents died in 2016, I've been on my own—literally. No parents, no family, no support. Distancing myself from toxic people included those I once considered my relatives. But I am so much healthier this way. I have less anxiety, less stress and less self-hatred. Abusers come in all forms and it takes distance to recognize it.


Now I face the possibility of losing everything. I'm not good at ladder systems. I never get to the top. My childhood is proof of that. Every goddamn day I'm reminded at how close to the bottom I am. So many people fell off that ladder, some from way up high. They are clinging with slippery fingers on the few rungs they have before they hit the cold, cement ground below. And then there's the mud... the ever flowing, rising, putrid stench of the sewer-filled mud threatening to drown you at any moment.


I could quote all sorts of movies, “Sorry to Bother You”, “Parasite” and more. These films were made at a time of classism and wage poverty. It's still happening. We are constantly reminded of how frail this capitalist and classist society is. When only the few get rich and the rest are fighting for scraps, it's not hard to figure out a revolution is coming... and it will be bloody.


We normalize terrible things. We pretend it's normal to mistreat people, to abuse them and tell them it's not their place to complain, that they should be grateful for the miserable scraps they get (because why do they deserve better?). We leave the miserable low-wage poverty jobs for the immigrants and black people. There I said it. It's the truth. All the security guards working all-nighters, the warehouse workers, the caregivers, the low-wage scrape up the techie-created labor job peons: most are People of Color, Hispanic and Latino and Puerto Rican and Phillopino, Vietnamese, Cambodian, Laos refugees, Chinese, Thai immigrants and people who are: NOT WHITE.


I'm talking about people working as: scooter delivery drivers, food delivery drivers, Uber/Lyft drivers, and other app-created jobs that rely on the low-wage and “independent contractor” positions that can never pay the bills. They have created a system of terminal poverty. The rich benefit from the services but the poor people supply the labor. How is this fair? It's a doomed pyramid scheme.


These haven't created jobs. They've prolonged poverty.


Most of the homeless on the street are People of Color. It's not a coincidence. Gentrification is a form of genocide. Displacement is a tactic in warfare.


All these things I see point in the same direction: homelessness, prison and eventually—death. How can I pretend I don't see what's right in front of me?


I never noticed it before. I didn't have to. Living in the suburbs of Chico was a very sheltered existence. We didn't see many black people. I hate to say it but it wasn't until Hurricane Katrina brought the displaced families to Chico, that we started to have residents who were People of Color. Now, of course, there are many People of Color in Chico and I'm glad. But I can't pretend the racism hasn't gone away.


I noticed the homeless. Sometimes I talked to them. But it was always at a distance. “Oh, well their lives are different from mine,” I thought. But I knew the truth. If it wasn't for my grandparents, I'd be there too. I'm not ignorant of the factors: abusive alcoholic parents, foster homes, group homes, institutions for “damaged” children... drugs, rape, more abuse. It could've been me—easily.


You expect people like that, people like us, to just get “a nice job”? It doesn't happen. The skills I learned and know today came from privilege.

verb [ with obj. ] formal

grant a privilege or privileges to: English inheritance law privileged the eldest son.

• (usu. be privileged from) exempt (someone) from a liability or obligation to which others are subject.

• chiefly historical a grant to an individual, corporation, or place of special rights or immunities, esp. in the form of a franchise or monopoly.

--New Oxford American Dictionary 3rd edition © 2010 by Oxford University Press, Inc.

Computers? I had some exposure in the institution I was in.

Having my own computer? Only from my uncle, did I ever get a computer.

Classes for typing and computer certificate? From a charter school that my grandmother enrolled me in when I couldn't stand the hell of high school.

Resume writing came only from experience and looking at other resumes online, which requires a subscription to the internet. No way could I ever do this in a library or on a library computer. They make it difficult for a reason...

The rich people don't want the poor to have knowledge. They delight in knowing there is always someone under them, so they can feel superior. The working-class feel superior over the poor but don't rise up because they don't want to lose the few scraps they have. The poor are angry but every time they fight back, they are jailed. Once you are jailed, you are stuck in the mud. Even if you manage to put your hand on a ladder rung, your pants and shoes are covered in mud.

I'm privileged enough to have had a roof over my head, to have lived among the “rich”, to experience the privilege of “the good life”. I know it's all so fragile. Money doesn't matter to me, unless I need housing or to eat.

I don't want to live in a mansion. The rich are cold and distracted. I don't ever want to be a rich person. Their houses are always empty and filled with stuff that they have no attachment to. Rich people's houses don't feel like home. Rich people are only concerned with themselves and don't see or care about other people. Rich people haven't suffered like the working-class and poor have. Rich people don't have compassion because they never had to.

My traumatized life opened my eyes to suffering and pain. I see it everywhere now. It's like something I can't shut off. My grandmother was always so sensitive. I think she went through something bad in her life too.

I don't want to become bitter and cold. I want to connect with people and not be alone. I need something that connects me to life and can't shelter myself too much. I don't want a job that turns me into a monster. I can't work a corporate job and pretend “everything is fine”. I always see the problems and the glaring inequities around me. Most people are fine with ignoring such things. They have their scraps and they want to keep them.

I want something more in life.

Why do we put up with hell to get so little in return? What in society has changed us so that we expect so much less of ourselves, of others and of society?

We don't want welfare. We want jobs. We don't want to have to rely on disability but to be able to support ourselves and have free healthcare—which would save a lot of jobs and a lot of people on disability. We're not lazy. We're sick of our hard work counting for nothing and being punished after we've worked ourselves to the bone.

We're bitter and disappointed. We're resentful and angry. We're killing ourselves and each other with pills and guns and sometimes bombs.

Where has our optimism gone? What happened to the change that was promised to us?

When we are confronted with the failures and lies of our jobs, our living situations and of our government, we turn angry and take our anger out on others. We are not fulfilled in America. The government has turned our dissatisfaction on us and made us hate each other and our neighbors who are fleeing violence. We are fed the false promise of riches while facing the ugly truth of poverty and made into weapons of violence against each other.

This rise in homelessness is not a coincidence. This rise in detaining, abusing and murdering of immigrants is not a coincidence. This hatred of the “others” is not a coincidence. This is all happening at a time when our civil liberties are at risk, and the government we believed in is going through chaos. This happens at a time when we are challenged with evidence of the truth but prefer to believe in the “safe” lies we are fed by those with interests apart from ours.

How can we go on like this?

I think of what my life will be like ahead of me and I can honestly say that I don't have much hope. When I see such injustice around me it does not make for “better times ahead”.

Unless we rise up and fight against this injustice, there is no hope. 

#freehealthcare #civilrights #taxtherich #fightinjustice #abolishice #abolishcbp #nomorewars #nowarforoil #closeguantanamo #noprivateprisons 

Everyday Stories Part II

Things I have seen today...

In a BART car I saw an ad warning men, ages 18-25, to sign up for the Selective Service System.

The Selective Service System is an independent agency of the United States government that maintains information on those potentially subject to military conscription. Wikipedia

This was the first ad I've ever seen in the Bay Area and it makes me wonder if we're going to have a draft soon. I've only ever seen a reminder for a Selective Service System ad on a DMV form and some possible military and 9/11 posters.

I view this as bad news.

Now I know why... after reading through, I saw it requires immigrants to this country to register. Dear God, it's not enough we take their children and mothers away and separate them--we will also make them fight in our wars.

Who Must Register with Selective Service

• Almost all men age 18-25 who are U.S. citizens or are immigrants living in the U.S. are required to be registered with Selective Service. U.S. law calls for citizens to register within 30 days of turning 18 and immigrants to register within 30 days of arriving in the U.S. --https://www.usa.gov/selective-service

 
 Another bad thing I've seen...

A poster warning of Worker's Comp Fraud, on a MUNI bus, showing a cartoon thief running off with money while an injured person stands by, 'When fraud happens, it happens to everyone!' so went the saying. I googled some poster ads and sure enough, many were of men in handcuffs and behind jail bars.

Treating workers like criminals is bad. We're not criminals. We're trying to survive in this country and make a decent wage. When that fails, we're stuck working multiple jobs that put our health and stress levels in jeopardy.

I have to wonder at this sudden surge of the "criminal worker" who goes out of their way to "rob employers of their money!" and other atrocities. Yes, fraud does happen but not so frequent as these ads depict. It's a very distorted view and is likely to scare off real claims from workers who are deserving of their compensation.

This hatred of the working-class is what led to de-regulation and the break-up of unions during the Reagan era. So far, this hasn't turned out so well for the 98% of us.

Due to fraud and government bailouts for the rich banks who committed these crimes, many lost their homes and their livelihood. I have yet to see them bail US out.

It also stinks of nazi propaganda when you see such an overload of hate against workers, many of whom are immigrants. It's no coincidence this comes at a time of unprecedented wealth in the US for the trillionaires and billionaires--who were never part of the working class to begin with and earn their money by scamming others.

My dictionary doesn't even have a proper spelling for trillionaire because apparently my 2012 laptop never conceived of such a notion. It's not a widely used word and it's not found in most dictionaries. The fact that we have trillionaires in the United States speaks volumes about how much corruption is here and how many are left out of their fair share.

We don't even have free healthcare. (#freehealthcare)

Speaking of, in San Francisco, we have a surge of Healthy SF Plans for the uninsured. We have a slew of Medi-Cal (California's version of Medicaid) ads on all our MUNI buses. There are more Covered CA ads for Open Enrollment period.

However, Covered CA is too complex for most to apply for, while at the same time many applicants are risking being uninsured during the transition period.

We have too many ads against the working class and poor and too many ads for government support which is shrinking everyday, due to the demands of the current tyrannical oligarchy who want even more power.

We are facing a war with Iran over oil. Reportedly, troops were sent back to the region near Syria with the Kurds--to protect the oil fields. (#nomoreoilwars)

As I attempted to look into this, my internet conveniently shut down.

And they say we have no censorship!

I think I've seen enough for today. 

Everyday Stories

I see stories everyday but I don't have time to write them all down. It seems like I don't have enough time or strength to do anything...

Every day, I see stories.

Today, I saw two military recruiters in the BART station at Powell. I've never seen them there before and it's the spot that musicians usually take when they're performing (and busking). I wonder why the military is tabling at a BART station. It seems bad, like they're desperate for people to join. If we have more wars, more people will be needed to fight them. We don't need a draft in the US, because we already have an economic draft. People are desperate for jobs.

Every day, I see people.

Whose story do I want to tell? Do I have the right to tell someone else's story? I used to interview people for their stories. Now I don't get to talk to anyone. It's not my job to be interested anymore. I'm still curious though...

I have a lot of guilt. When I see homeless people, usually people of color, I feel guilty. I don't want to focus on the guilt. I want to focus on the people. It's hard to look at people sometimes. Mostly I just keep to myself. I don't want to get involved. I don't have strength to get involved. I have my own problems and like most people, I'm too consumed by my own troubles to care. I feel heartless. I feel cynical and jaded. I'm becoming what I hate. But this wasn't supposed to be about me. This was supposed to be a story about other people.

Every day, I'm tired.

No matter how much sleep I get, I'm always exhausted in the morning. Yeah, losing a job sucks and it really wrecks havoc on your daily routine. I have more time to write but I don't feel like writing. There's so much I have to do... How can I be so busy when I'm not working? I post to Facebook sometimes. I need to get off Facebook. My friends are on Facebook and they post a lot of stuff. I don't get to read it all because Facebook messes with algorithms. I think Facebook is a waste of time. Doesn't anyone talk on the phone or in person anymore?

Sometimes I lose a lot of weight. I always feel like I'm dragging my body along, even after I lose a few pounds. I shouldn't be losing weight. I feel like crap. I feel like I'm hungry from Celiac and tired and worn out... I feel like a dried up husk of a person and that pretty soon the rest of me will give up. It explains my depression.

Every day, I'm stressed.

Stress is bad. Everyone knows this, yet we don't do anything to stop it. Work causes stress. People cause stress. My living situation causes me stress. I don't have room for a proper bed, it's always noisy, I'm uncomfortable when I sleep and I never feel at home in my ten by ten foot room. I feel like crying at times. Sometimes I do cry. It doesn't help much. I feel drained. I feel like the world is a vampire. I just want to get away from people, be out in nature and sleep forever. I shouldn't feel like this.

Too Tired

Lately, I've been too exhausted to do anything.

I can't write. I can't sleep well. No matter how many hours I lie in bed, I always feel exhausted when I wake up.

I've been working too much and doing nothing at the same time.

Retail work doesn't suit me. Sitting for eight hours at a time and waiting for people to buy stuff doesn't work. I get tired of sitting and doing nothing. I read sometimes but I'm always interrupted by the odd customer who asks, “How much is this?” before they say, “That's too expensive!” and then they leave the store.

I've seen enough of the customers in San Francisco to know how the routine goes.

The regulars are nice. They live in the area and shop local. You usually know them by name and what they always buy. Then you get the tourists. They are a mixed bag. Some are nice, others are not so nice. It can go either way. Then you get the assholes... and when you get the assholes, it's always bad no matter what you do. I'd rather not focus on them. I won't waste words about them. This is about me.

I've done all sorts of jobs: caregiver, sign waver, janitor, cafeteria worker, food service, pet-sitter, front desk at a museum, reading tutor, camp counselor... etc. None of them ever paid a living wage. It wasn't until I came to San Francisco that I got my first full-time job that paid a living wage. Too bad rent was going for $3,000 a month. Now it's $4,000 for a one bedroom and $2,000 for a studio. That's how it goes, I guess.

What I can't stand is how employers treat people. I get that employees don't stick around the Bay Area but when employers use you faster than disposable toilet paper, you get the feeling you're not valued. I've been getting that a lot lately. It's not that I don't do my job: I show up on time, I do my work and clean up. But I got tired of working overtime, and not getting paid for it. I got tired of pulling big sales and not getting a sales bonus. I also got tired of the questions...

Suddenly, the whole Bay Area doesn't trust anyone over 30-years-old. “How old are you?” is a question I get a lot. Also, “When did you graduate? How long have you been in school?” is another way employers ask your age. “Are you married? Do you have kids?” is the next question, though it's supposed to be against the law for people to ask this. I was told there was this “old” woman working in a gym at the front desk (alongside a bunch of kids out of high school). It turns out she was only middle-aged. What the hell?

I was told to get pregnant by my boss and co-workers. I've been asked why I couldn't find a man by a manager, who had kids when he was 16 and got some girl pregnant at 15. I've been asked why I'm not married by a woman who had four divorces and several children in two countries, along with a toddler she had under the care of her mother, who was also her ride to work.

I'm getting real tired of it all.

I've seen so many red flags on jobs that it's become a routine checklist:

• Employer calls me by my email name, not my real name.
• Employer calls me by phone, even though I said for them to contact me by email
• Employer calls me by phone four hours after the job is posted, right after I send my resume in (see above)
• Employer demands an interview the same day or the next day (because they're desperate to fill the position that is now suddenly vacant)
• Employer has a large turn over of employees, in only one year (see above)
• Employer can't keep employees longer than a year, which explains why they're so desperate to find another person, every six months
• Employers post the same ad for the same position, every six months
• Employer talks disparagingly of the last employees, “Oh they were flakes... weren't serious about their job” etc etc.
• Employer pays you less than the going rate
• Employer has you sign a bunch of papers and grudgingly gives you a copy
• Employer gives you a negative job performance review after three months and tells you if you don't clean up your act, you won't get a bonus
• Employer pays you late or forgets to send in the payroll you submitted to them which was on time and because your paycheck is late, so is your rent
• Employer offers you a cash advance (with a lot of interest) because they claim they never got your payroll hours on time
• Employer sends you passive aggressive emails about how employees can turn into monsters and ruin the business unless their behavior is nipped in the bud
• Employer denies your bonus even though you've done excellent sales
• Employer leaves the bathroom a mess every time and doesn't flush the toilet, expecting you to flush and clean up the mess and the employer probably hasn't even washed their hands ever since that time they refused to flush the toilet even though you put a sign on the door that is underlined: Please flush the toilet before you leave
• Employer plays mind games with you and co-workers, playing you against each other and warning you about “the old lady” or “the slacker” when they don't give a shit about any of you
• Employer is always away from work and hard to get a hold of when a problem comes up
• Employer denies that there is a problem even though you've brought the problem up many, many times before but they never got back to you for some reason
• Employer refuses to talk about problems, puts it all on you to solve and blames you when the problem doesn't go away on its own
• Employer is pissed at you because since you've quit they've had to deal with all the problems you've dealt with, on top of running the business and now they're overwhelmed and cranky all the time but you don't need their reference because you've already found a different and better job that doesn't put you through a bunch of shit

And then there's this:

• Employer doesn't have you sign anything and tells you to come to work the next day— which leads to (see below)
• Employer not paying you for your work after you're “on call” for two weekends with no set schedule or payment arrangement that leads to— (see below)
• Employer having to go to court with you over not paying you for your work after you've made a complaint to the Department of Labor
• Employer also threatening to sue you because you posted publicly about why you quit your job or why your job performance is suffering or why some customers are mad at you or why you're always exhausted or how you're sick of it all and your job makes you want to kill yourself

So yeah... I've been tired. :-(