The Piano Teacher

"The Piano Teacher"

A disturbing film.

Like so many french films and stories that feature sexually inhibited women (Belle Du Jour, Romance, Anatomy of Hell, Story of O), they invariably end in tragedy. The woman must, by the status quo, kill herself and thus annihilate her desire. Because she is a woman and not a man, she is denying herself and society of being sexual and procreating, thus in the end she is punished. The woman is filled with such self-loathing she can't stand it anymore.

The Piano Teacher is no different in punishing women for their foolish hysteria, and because they didn't dare sleep with a man, they must now suffer eternal damnation.

I must say I am quite tired of watching these films that eerily represent my own life.

In this film, the woman, Erika, lives with her over-obsessive mother who is constantly calling her on the phone to ask where she is. Erika, who is probably over thirty-years-old, still sleeps with her mother (her father is in a mental institution), and has never married or even dated another man.

She gets her outlet by going to porn shops, watching films where women are sucking men's dicks and fishes out discarded condoms to sniff while she watches.

It turns out, Erika has some secret fetishes.

In the bathroom, she cuts her genitals with a razor. The movie doesn't imply if she is doing this for some sick pleasure or if she is secretly punishing herself. Either way, it's disturbing to watch.

Erika, still clueless about what she wants sexually, also gets her kicks by spying on teens having sex in a car while watching a movie. She pisses next to a car (the movie doesn't say if this sexually arouses her or not) and is seen then runs away.

The mother is also very disturbing. For some reason (again the movie doesn't say why), she makes her daughter sleep with her. The mother is very insecure, constantly calling her daughter and hounding her about what she's doing and where she's been. She throws out her daughter's "tawdry" clothes and chastises her for anything pretty she buys. Toward the end of the film, Erika tearfully exclaims, "I want you...", and proceeds to jump onto her mother in a sexual manner, to which her mother is horrified (as are the viewers, I'm sure!).

She meets an over-zealous student who (surprise, surprise) has developed quite a crush on her. The boy is a cocky brat who is over-confident and is absolutely positive that his piano teacher, Erika is absolutely mad over him. He tries to seduce her.

She plays a cat-and-mouse game with her student before he confronts her, in her house, with her mother ever-watching close-by.

She has him read a letter she has written for him. In it, she mentions a bunch of "sick" things she wants him to do to her. He is disgusted and runs away from her.

For some strange reason (the movie doesn't say why) she goes after him, claiming she loves him.

Is she really in love or is she just going insane? There are several hints in the movie that suggest this, Erika even mentions a piece of piano music to the boy student, saying that the composer wrote it just before he lost his mind. As usual, the boy is totally clueless to her hints and tries to impress her by playing the music.

He eventually follows her back to the house, claiming she has made him obsessed and proceeds to enact the details of the "sick" letter she wrote: locking her mother up, and brutally beating Erika. He fucks her then leaves her there.

The next day Erika goes to the recital with her mother.

At the recital, the stupid boy pretends he doesn't see the bruises he put on her and he runs up the stairs with his friends quipping, "Can't wait to see you play".

She gets out a knife she has hidden in her purse, stabs herself in the chest then briskly walks out of the recital hall.

End of movie.

Wasn't that cheerful?

I have a problem with this movie.

Not because of the content or the sexual violence (I don't like violence against women), but because it's so WRONG. Let me explain...

The woman character allows herself to be punished, both mentally, physically and then sexually. She is severely inhibited, still sleeps with her mother (for crying out loud!), can't communicate her feelings or even acknowledge what she wants emotionally or sexually. She wields a powerful commanding presence as a piano teacher, yet uses it vindictively against the students because she sees their talent as a threat, going so far as to put glass in her pupil's coat so they can't play at the recital after the pupil cuts her hand from the glass.

All the while, Erika herself is suffering from self-mutilation (cuts her genitals with a razor), and no one knows what she's doing. Her own mother mistakes the blood leaking from between her legs as menstrual blood and is disgusted with her. She lets herself be manipulated by a boy, allowing obsession to form without any control and trusts him enough to reveal her secret desires to him, sick as they are.

In fact, the real problem is, what she wants isn't that sick. There are plenty of people who get their kicks in abnormal ways, if only because they can't have a real relationship. What makes her predicament so abnormal is the way she is going about it. If all she wanted was some weird sex, she could just hire someone to fulfill her needs. However, she doesn't just want weird sex: being subjugated, beaten, humiliated, left alone. The real question is why she wants those things. She feels guilt, her mother heaps guilt upon guilt on her. The one time Erika goes out to get her kicks, she comes home to her mother who tells her, "You're father died this afternoon". Talk about a mood killer! There's really no one else she can turn to.

Along comes a stupid boy, claiming to love her but he too is of no use to her. He dumps her after he finally gets to fuck her. But instead of taking the knife she has hidden and sticking it into his chest, she takes the pain on herself and pushes the blade through her chest.

What is it with the French and filling women with such self-loathing? Is it politically motivated? If women hate themselves so much, they won't run for President? I don't think France has had a woman President (neither has America!) and it shows in their films. But even their term for sex, "The Little Death" is filled with dark intent. Little Death for who? Do women have to die every time they have sex? How horrible!

All in all, it's a depressing two-hour film. I only got the film because I thought there would be kink in it but I was sorely disappointed.

"Luddite Uses Kindle for First Time"

Sorry, I had to repost because Google/Blogger is messing up ALL my articles…

It's a KINDLE!

I've never used a Kindle before, so when the Chico Library had an ad to loan one for seven days for only a dollar, I just had to try it.

I've seen people use them before on BART when I was in the bay area, swiping their greasy fingers along the screen where I could see words scroll across the page in all of its dull digital glory.

What was the point? I thought to myself, staring over their shoulder to read whatever they were reading.

Whenever I wanted to read a book, I brought the whole copy with me, stuffed into my large purse that stuffed my: camera, wallet, daily planner, umbrella, make-up case, CD player and lots of pens and paper at the bottom. My purse was starting to get overstretched. Maybe it was time I considered a Kindle...

I could see the convenience of it. Small, portable with a padded case that came with a charger. A Kindle might be just what I needed if I were to be stuck on a two-hour ride on BART with nothing to do but stare out the window. Normally I would just sit and stare out the window and maybe write something along the way to San Francisco.

Kindles could offer new possibilities--I could read multiple books with one device, without having to return a book or pay those nasty late fees. Some Kindles come with an option to play an Mp3 as you're reading a book, but really, who would do a thing like that? I find that distracting.

But lets get back to the beginning...

Lots of people are using Kindles now (courtesy of Amazon) and their network of electronic books. Why did it take me so long to get one?

First of all, I don't have the money to buy said nifty device. I'd rather get my books from the library instead of paying a couple hundred for yet another device I have to charge to my electricity bill. Secondly, I didn't see the point. I'm not a regular commuter and the times I go to the bay area and ride BART are a few times a year. Thirdly, at twenty-nine-years-old, I'm a self-proclaimed Luddite who mistrusts technology and wonders who's making the big bucks off all this e-book nonsense.

No, it wasn't just because Stephen King had released an e-book online. I didn't even try a Kindle then. It's because I'm dirt cheap and the library offered this opportunity to loan a Kindle courtesy of "a grant from LSTA"--Thanks to Chico Friends of the Library!

Of course, since it's offered by the local library it does have a lost/damaged fee of $159.00, which I'm guessing is the total cost of the Kindle. Overdue fines are $1.00 per day, with no renewals and of course, you can't drop it into the book drop.

Said expensive (black and white display) Kindle comes in a nifty blue case with Micro USB cable that plugs into the device and you can charge by plugging into a wall socket or USB port on a computer. This thing does come with instructions too, on a small laminated card that's easy to understand, so even Grandma or Grandpa might take a shot at it.

Once you get the hang of how to use it, it's pretty easy. Older people won't get the intuitiveness of 'zooming' your fingers on the screen to make the font bigger or smaller, but if you give them enough tries it's obvious. The buttons have no labels, so you'll probably have to label them or write a diagram. Also be careful of pressing too hard or not hard enough. The screen sensor isn't that great and older models are a bit clunky.

After trying the Kindle and fiddling around with it, I soon found something to read. "The Dinner" by Herman Koch (translated from Dutch) is a great first-time Kindle story. Other books offered by this device were, "The Fifth Assassin" by Brad Meltzer, "Gone Girl: A Novel" by Gillian Flynn, "The Good House: A Novel" by Ann Leary, "The Storyteller" by Jodi Picoult, "Suspect" by Robert Crais, "Touch & Go" by Lisa Gardner and "Wild: From Lost To Found On The Pacific Crest Trail" (Oprah's Book Club 2.0 Digital Edition) by Cheryl Strayed.

It also included a Kindle User's Guide, two Oxford dictionary's and My Clippings (I don't know what that's for).

"The Dinner" by Herman Koch is not something I would have ordinarily chosen. I tried a brief read of "Gone Girl" but didn't like the style. It's also hard to get a feel for the book when you're not given a book description (available on Wi-Fi use only) and you have to search to find the cover. You also have to register the Kindle before you can see certain features--for some reason the library hasn't registered any of their Kindles and I'm constantly being reminded by a screen saver to "Register Your Kindle to See Special Features".

When I started reading "The Dinner", it started out innocently enough. A man is waiting for a reservation in an expensive restaurant with his wife. However, the story takes some interesting turns and a lot of dark material turns up within the course of the long, expensive pretentious meal. I can't wait to see what happens by dessert-time.

These books listed are probably on some best-seller list somewhere. Herman Koch, who's won the Publieksprijs Prize in 2009, has written seven novels, three collections of short stories and lives in Amsterdam.

I'm intending to finish the over forty-chaptered book and hopefully write a review of the digital book soon. I'm pretty sure "The Dinner" is a, Book of the Year Must-Read List. So my review of it will be redundant but that's what blogs are for.

There are several things I don't like about the Kindle so far though...

I'm still getting used to the idea that I have to 'swipe' my finger along the screen to turn the page, watching the ever-so-brief flashing of words 'change' to the next page. It's a bit distracting and it doesn't always work. Sometimes I have to re-swipe my finger across the screen or sometimes I turn several pages at a time when I do this. It's a bit annoying and I'm guessing they have some models that can detect the pressure of a finger swipe in order not to have ten pages go flashing by before your eyes.

Also, there's that battery thing that needs charging. The volunteer at the library desk assured me that the battery should last a week on a full charge--if all I'm doing is reading the book--and not accessing the Wi-Fi on it for buying books on the store, reading publications online (with a paid subscription) or other battery draining activities.

Having a battery sign at the corner of your page reminds you that time is limited and that you should read faster before you lose your place.

I've lost my place several times while reading the book. When I turn the device off, it does save my place, however if I'm browsing around other books and reading other stuff, it won't remember where I was before. I'm still trying to figure out the Bookmark thing. I can make a Bookmark, I just can't access it. So I have to remember the chapter I'm reading and use the Go To button to go back.

For the fifth or sixth time now, I'm still getting reminders to register my Kindle, even though it's not mine. I don't want to try registering it in case I can't reset it and the Library makes me pay a big huge fine for rendering their donated device useless. So I guess those Special Features are reserved only for those rich people who can afford to pay to get their own Kindles.

I tried to use the Text-to-Speech feature and it sounded like an off-tune robot reading words to me. I don't recommend using it. Nor would I use the Mp3 feature to listen to music as I read--which are two conflicting activities to me and should not be performed together (like riding a bike with headphones and getting hit by a car because you couldn't hear it coming).

Having a Kindle registered to Amazon may also limit your choices of getting content from other sources which may not share a license with said company (who doesn't like to pay taxes in California).

When I used the Wi-Fi feature though I did see a lot of content to read, including stuff from authors that they wouldn't otherwise publish on the mainstream market. "Rules for Virgins" by Amy Tan is a 43-page book that's available to read once you pay for it. Stephen King also wrote about the topic of guns in his electronic publication of, "Guns" a Kindle Single. At only 25 pages, it might be his shortest work yet (or not). According to Amazon.com, "King's earnings from the sale of this essay will go the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence."

If you're a Kindle fan, you'll probably pay for all the content you get with a subscription fee, membership or other pay-for-it charge.

As for me, I've yet to be won over by Kindle. It's a great thing for the library to offer people and the fact that they're keeping up with technology is a great idea (something I should try). I may borrow the Kindle again if I want to try a new book that they don't have in hardcopy. It's a great place to start anyway. I just don't think I want one of my own to buy and pay for all the necessary subscriptions.

As a writer I think it's important to know what's out there and how to market yourself. So I was also curious to see how these books were published and in what format. It's hard to read a big huge novel with a small less-than 8X5 screen, so I'm guessing it's a good idea to keep your stories short for Kindle publishing. There are other e-book readers out there but the library hasn't tried those yet, so I'm not sure how those are displayed.

They also have Kindle Blogs and for a .99 fee you can read some or subscribe. You can also read newspapers on Kindle. With all the bad press about books, newspapers and printing in general going down the drain, it's good to know there are other outlets for the printed media.

I don't know if you have to pay a tax for these reading fees and subscriptions but that's another thing to think about. Does reading on a digital device count as a sale? It's a good thing I'm not an accountant but I think they would start to charge the use of the Wi-Fi to somebody, not to mention you still have to pay for electricity to charge your electronic device.

Reading electronically may be the future but I still love books...

I love the smell of the pages (and it's cheap binding glue). I love having the book and being able to flip to any page I want when I need to refer to something (without having to boot up a device, charge a battery or lose my place). I love having a book on my bookshelf, for which I have numerous rooms devoted to. I love having my own library filled with books that I sometimes donate to the library or the Reading Partners program, that helps kids learn to read (and hopefully love books as much as I do).

A Kindle can be handy sometimes but it will never replace my love for books. So when I'm done sampling, "The Dinner", I'll probably go to my local bookshop and buy my own copy, in hardback or paperback, put it on my bookshelf or loan it to a friend.

"Hey, you gotta try this book," I'll say, "It's something I discovered on a Kindle and I liked it so much I had to get my own copy".

"Thanks," They'll say, "But I have a Kindle with a subscription and I can get it for free right here."

They'll pull out their Kindle/Phone/electronic-device-thingy-that-just-came-out and find that it's run out of battery. I'll give them the book to try (pasting my name and address label inside of it), so they can read it and give it back to me in due time.

Later they will thank me for giving them the book, since they dropped their Kindle/Phone/electronic-device-thingy-that-just-came-out, and couldn't read the damaged screen. There may be some food stains on the pages but at least I'll know they have read the book and enjoyed it as much as I have. At home I will put the book back on the bookshelf to read later or lend to someone else.

"There's nothing like a good book." My Grandma always says.

NiteFlirt Animation

NiteFlirt - an online phone-sex/web-cam company, shows a funny animated video about why you should use and pay for their services.

The animation starts off with several men in line waiting for the bus, they are of various ages, sizes and character types. A sexy, blonde, well-endowed woman bikes by in short shorts. Cue their various fantasies with the voice-over of a woman, "Everyone has erotic urges...". Pictures in thought-bubble shapes emerge with each of the men dressed up in their favorite erotic costume.

The woman voice goes on to say that the internet has "plenty of outlets" for such urges. However, it soon becomes clear that internet porn is only "one-dimensional" and "dull". The reason, after a hilarious Leonardo Da Vinci Vitruvian Man comparison, is that the dull internet experience, "Doesn't reach the most important organ of all--your brain!".

Next is an animation of a lonely man trying to latch himself up in handcuffs while looking at a porno mag. No, you really can't ask the porno mag to tie you up, what a shame!

But here's the kicker, as the female voice sagely advises, "In the real world, exploring your urges can be dangerous..." How? Here we see a doctor looking at a guy's junk and shaking his head, while the guy bursts out in tears. Oh dear, I wonder what happened to that guy?

Exploring urges is also, "expensive and frustrating" as we see a silhouette of a man presenting flowers to a woman who slams the door in his face. Gee, don't all women like flowers? Exploring your urges in the real world can also be, "inappropriate", as shown in the animation of a woman angrily presenting her husband with someone else's lipstick stain on his handkerchief or boxers (I couldn't tell which).

As the woman tells the men watching this animation, if they've stuck around long enough, it's "not always easy to explore hidden fantasies"--cue animation of man arriving in woman's boudoir in bunny costume, woman then turns back on him in fear.

And here it is at last, ladies (but mostly gentlemen), "That's where NiteFlirt comes in!". They are the number one provider, etc. etc. of real people, whom you can talk to, who won't be afraid to explore your nasty, abnormal desires with you. All anonymous and secure! So you don't have to worry about having a scary real-world relationship. Just spend your time (and lots of money) on strange women you've never seen in real life. "Guaranteed to Blow Your Mind!" The animation shows a brain exploding thus forth.

I understand the need to advertise and promote phone-sex with this great animation but come on, folks, let's get serious. Do you think they're being completely honest about what goes on in the real world? Is it really that difficult to find a kindred kinky spirit? Unless you're stuck in the boonies of Nebraska, you can find some people who are willing to interact with you via the internet, dating/hook-up sites, etc.

Unfortunately, the only people this ad caters to, are the shut-ins who don't desire any real contact at all. That's fine, I get the point of total anonymous contact (especially if one is married). But I do find the narrow-minded examples and unrealistic expectations, hard to swallow (if you'll excuse the pun). 

First of all, this site only caters to men. It's clear from the start, it's for MEN ONLY! Women are just there to provide the pleasure... according to the hilarious but unrealistic animation, women are afraid of sex and will do anything to avoid it. However, I wouldn't mind my guy in bunny costume!

The funny point is, most sex (even the kinky kind) can be had with good communication. 

Funnier point here is that these shut-ins are expected to 'communicate' their desires with strange women over the phone when they can't even present themselves to real women in real life. 

How the heck are these guys going to get off? "Oh gee, I don't know what I like... you tell me. I just called to, you know, get off." 

Such stimulating conversation indeed...

And such a waste of money! If men realize that size doesn't matter, to just be yourselves and have confidence and communicate, men wouldn't need to go through the endless trouble of porno/phone-sex sites. You could meet someone who likes the same kinky, crazy stuff you do and be comfortable with it.

But then again, if this happened NiteFlirt wouldn't be in business...

Oh well.

Over A Thousand Views?

It's been a while since I posted and when I logged in I was astounded to see I had over a thousand page views, 1,113 to be precise.

Why all the views for my little blog? Then I looked at the Audience stats. Again I was shocked to see I had readers from China, France, Poland and even Afghanistan. Afghanistan! Now I'm really curious...

I'm always interested in how people have heard of me. Most referrals I do is by word of mouth and email. My friends know my blog and if I'm lucky, they'll post a comment. Sometimes I post on Facebook but that's about it. I don't mess around with Twitter, Pintrest, or what have you.

Browsers are another interest of mine. Most people use Internet Explorer (Microsoft) or Safari (Mac) and Firefox (open software). Then I saw something called, Opera (no clue...), and YaBrowser. Must be a mobile thing. 

More and more people are accessing my blogs from their mobile device. There's even a browser called Dolphin, which I heard works better than Chrome (Google). 

It's hard for me to keep up with technology. I recently got a Smartphone from Walmart (Bad Walmart!) when I realized I needed to keep in touch with the world. It's helped a lot and I may do a review of it later.

But back to my blog...
Yeah, I have a lot of readers. 
Traffic sources are from sites such as: http://www.jalandharinfo.com (Jalandhar, city in India), Vampirestat.com, www.filmhill.com and other questionable sites that I should not put here. 

Then I figured out why I got so many readers. 
It must be the porn.

My "Playtime For You" review about a local porn shop seemed to be the most popular and is probably the source of all the attention. Most likely people are reposting my blog on other sites.

As I am grateful for the extra audience, I don't want to be known for publishing porn. So I guess I'll have to publish other stuff soon so this doesn't end up on LinkedIN---oh, too late.

I wonder if I should do Google Ad Sense? Yay, I just made a penny for each viewer, that gives me: $1.00!! ?????

Well, no one ever said I'd get rich from blogging.

No Place For You

I never realize how hard it is to find a place to live in until I have to move.

I've been looking for a place since May and haven't found anything. Surprisingly, in this tiny college town, all the apartments are taken by students who lease them for the year. I am not a student, I'm not interested in leases (since I'm trying to get out of a horrible one right now), and I don't want to drink/smoke/do drugs, etc.

You'd think for me it would be easy to find a place. It's not.

I don't have a lot of income but I have a lot of savings and a joint checking account with my family that I pay the bills with. Apparently, the online copied forms don't allow for this provision and I have to scribble it down as best I can that I am not poor and I have money.

I haven't bothered to pack my numerous belongings since most of it isn't mine. I'm downgrading from a three bedroom, two bathroom house at $1650.00 a month, hopefully to a cheaper but still nice place. No such luck...

All the places on Craig's List I've found are scams. Numerous crappy apartments aimed at college students with more than ten ads placed for one apartment. Even the property management companies run scams (all with terrible leases) and I can't rely on them either. I've asked around but my friends either have five roommates or they're married with income.

Most of the other places I've found online involve schemes like "re-modeled" garages, shacks and outhouses for student housing (most of which hasn't been approved with a permit). "Studios" that turn out to be someone's room in a house that isn't theirs. "Cottages" in old garages or garden houses that were never meant to be lived in. I've seen ads for men with children, wanting free housekeeping and babysitting in exchange for a "rent discount". It pretty much means a nanny/maid who pays the boss instead of the other way around. Women do this too and often shack up with dubious renters who promise to babysit their children; it's not something I recommend.

International students get scammed with "International Host Families", who make them pay rent, babysit the kids, clean the house and other chores that are not approved. Next comes another baby and the student is thrown out to make room (I've seen this happen to my friend!).

Living in a college town has its definite drawbacks but I never realized how bad until now.

I don't want five roommates, I'm not married, I don't have children (I don't even have pets!), and I'm not looking to make money off of college students. All I ask is to find a place I'm comfortable with but I guess that's too much to ask.

There's also the problem of gender. I noticed since I'm a single woman (no boyfriend, husband, etc.), people don't trust me to pay the rent. "Are you alone?" They always ask me. "Yes" I answer, wondering why it matters at all. Then my application gets denied and thrown away. Living in a rural college town is not the best situation for a women like myself who has no urge to shack up with a man in order to pay the bills. I don't want to end up his servant and have to do the cleaning, cooking, managing bills, all by myself. Worse yet, men often confuse female roommates as their girlfriends, next thing you know they're offering marriage proposals. Or they try to control everything you do.

I've often wondered how my chances in life would improve if I could get a sex-change. I know of no single woman who can make a living on her own and pay the rent at the same time. With minimum wage part-time jobs ruling the market right now, there's no hope for me to make a living for myself.

I guess I'll have to move in with my family, something I really don't want to do, unless I find another family to shack up with. Then I'll end up doing the chores, housekeeping, managing the household, babysitting the children and be stuck with everybody else's responsibilities.

I'm seriously thinking of getting that sex-change now...

Ghosts of Thailand

They build spirit houses to house the spirits who have been misplaced. Temples sit in farm fields, bathed in gold with their exotic steeples. Here in Thailand, people believe in ghosts, bad spirits, who haunt their lives.

Never before in my adult life, had I ever felt this close to the supernatural. I had never seen a ghost before (though I thought I had heard the footsteps of one once) but here in Thailand, anything is possible. The Thai people are very superstitious and they believe in curses, evil spells and restless grudges. Buddhism is only part of what they believe, the real religion lies in their beliefs, old beliefs that never die, like their ghosts.

A bad event, flood, or catastrophe is still blamed on ghosts (PHI ผี), witches, evil spells and unsatisfied ancestors who look down upon the people in their daily lives.

This was such a change for me. Here I was, a Christian (though a non-practicing one), thrown into another world, a world where my previous realities did not exist. Maybe it was my over-active imagination, or the fact that I had just seen one of the numerous ghost movies the Thai people watch.

But here in Thailand, you may see a ghost. You're more likely to see a ghost here than in Japan or America, simple because Thai people live with ghosts always in their daily lives. People here have seen ghosts and they fear them more than the poisonous snakes that can kill a person with one bite.

More than the ghosts they fear, I believe Thai people are most afraid of becoming ghosts themselves. A restless spirit beyond salvation or chance of enlightenment through re-incarnation, a ghost is trapped on this earth forever, and lost.

It was here in Thailand that I felt I would see a ghost.

I was biking alone, through the winding dirt roads, past coffee shops, internet cafes and roadside eateries, to the deserted countryside on the outskirts of town. Here in this small town, nobody spoke English, I had to speak awkward Thai phrases to them. If something were to happen to me, I would have no way of contacting anyone. Cell phone service didn't always work out here either. I hoped I wouldn't come across any of those poisonous snakes. I had already heard of someone who was bitten and had been in a coma from it. Luckily, I had only seen one snake in the fall season that I was here.

It started to rain lightly. In Thailand, it rains often, though not as much as in the spring monsoon season. The rain is warm and doesn't last long.

One time I was caught in a heavy downpour and I had to stop at a roadside eatery where I bought a raw young coconut that a man cut with a bloody hatchet he was using for the meat. Cleanliness isn't a big concern in Thailand and I had gotten a terrible stomach illness twice.

All of a sudden, it got dark while I was riding my bike. "Uh oh", I thought, "it's going to thunder soon." No one else was around. The streets were deserted. I realized I was totally alone. Not even a pack of stray dogs were barking, which I knew was very strange. There were always dogs around (Thai people don't believe in spaying or neutering either). It was eerily quiet, not even the sound of birds chirping.

If I was going to see a ghost, now would be the time. What would the ghost look like? Would it be pale gray with blackened eyes, the kind they show in the movies? Or would the ghost look like a normal person, except for the fact they would disappear as soon as I turned around? Would it be possible for me a Falung (foreigner) to see a Thai ghost? Could belief be that strong?

I wondered then how much the Thai culture had influenced me. Here I was, biking along the streets, expecting to see a ghost any moment. I was thrown into a society where anything was possible. Seeing a ghost was not an abnormal event but an everyday occurrence. Especially up in the countryside where I was, near the Burmese border (Myanmar to some). For the Thai people, ghosts are real. Whose to say ghosts aren't real? Which reality is the truth? I didn't know.

It started pouring.

I pulled over to stop at a roadside shop. Nobody paid much attention to me, they just watched their TV and drank their beers. When the rain stopped, I biked back to where I was staying, still feeling that at any moment I would see a ghost. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, though it could've been the weather change. I had a strange feeling I was being watched, though when I looked around, no one was near.

Finally I biked down the hill, to where more people lived and sure enough, other people were in the street, driving cars and motorcycles (always without a helmet) and the feeling of being watched (and creeped out) had faded away. I must've imagined the whole thing.

I never told anyone what I had felt when I went out that day on my bike. I didn't think anyone else would've understood. If I told a Thai person, they'd probably just smile and nod. An American person wouldn't really understand, not unless they've lived in Thailand and felt what I felt then.

It's hard to say now if I believe in ghosts. I still haven't seen one, and my once brief encounter with the paranormal (those strange footsteps I once heard) could never be proven. The truth is, I'd hate to think a trapped soul actually exists and whatever grudge they carry is not something I want to be involved in.

Perhaps I should buy a charm, to keep the bad spirits away, just in case...

Do you see in Google?

http://www.spreeify.com/promos/win_a_pair_of_google_glass_110

I just saw these from a clip on Google, "Google bans porn on Google Glass" by Heather Kelly, June 4. 2013. (Courtesy of CNN.com)

What is Google Glass you ask? They are interactive web-glasses that can take pictures, record and somehow store information (I haven't figured this part out yet).

Here's the link: http://www.google.com/glass/start/what-it-does/

It reminds me of those special glasses Spider Jerusalem wears in, "Transmetropolitan", the famous comic by Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson. 

Picture by Imageshack, Cover of Transmetropolitan vol. 2 "Lust for Life". Art by Darick Robertson. --Wikipedia.org 

Applications to get those nifty glasses are now closed but you can sign up to get news spam about them. I'm assuming the glasses are reaaaaaly expensive, so there's no chance I'll be getting them soon. 

I don't know how they're powered or how they work (Google keeps a tight security on their products) but I assume it's like having Google powered glasses that you speak commands into, so they must also have a mic somewhere. You can also upload pics, so it must have Wi-Fi too.

According to an article by Charles Arthur for "theguardian" http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2013/jun/03/google-glass-facial-recognition-ban (UK based), the glasses may pose a security risk to those who value privacy as the glasses may be used for facial recognition. 

Glass, a wearable system that can take still and video pictures and upload them to the internet in real time using a Bluetooth-connected smartphone, as well as using voice recognition and location data to provide information about the surroundings. The company has indicated that it wants to begin selling it for broad consumer use within the next year, 

I'm sure the CIA will be ordering a ton of these then...

It's bad enough though that people have their cell phones/smart phones/whatever blocking any social interaction with the real world. Imagine if everyone started wearing these glasses and you tried to talk to them.

"Hello," You say to the guy wearing Google Glass."Hi," He says back, looking you straight in the eye with those strange glasses."Excuse me, do you know where Wall St. is?" You ask politely, since he's looking right at you.He stares at you, not answering for a bit then finally says, "Huh? You talkin' to me? I was having a private conversation here!" He then says, "No, not you! I'm talkin' to someone here...I don't know, some person on the street." He continues with his conversation with someone on his glasses, while staring at you the whole time.

I must say it would be very rude!

Although the idea of these interactive glasses may seem cool at first, imagine if they showed you the wrong information or they wouldn't shut off when you want them to, "NO, I said wrong street, not wall street!". Next thing you know, you're driving off a cliff.

What kind of person needs these things anyway? 

Forbes, called the Google Glass, "A Fashion Failure" (Karsten Strauss, Forbes Staff).

You'd look something like the Borgs from Star Trek, I imagine.

"Resistance is Futile!" (Image from Startrek.com)

OK, maybe not that bad but you get the idea...

Baby Doll by Tennessee Williams

"We got nothing to do but wait for tomorrow. And see if… we're remembered or forgotten". 
                     --Baby Doll (Carroll Baker), in the film, Baby Doll

Tennessee Williams' movie, "Baby Doll" first portrays the main character Baby Doll, as a child-like bimbo who is using her husband Archie Lee by not letting him have sex with her, even though they are married. Archie Lee made a promise to Baby Doll's father before the marriage that he would wait until she was 'ready'. Now deceased, Baby Doll's father can no longer protect her from her own promise that she wait until she's twenty-years-old before consummating her marriage, as her twentieth birthday draws near in a matter of days. 

It turns out, Baby Doll's husband is a lot older than she is, a much older man who 'wooed' her and promised her father to take care of her, by putting her in a famous mansion. The story takes place in the south, so the question of a much older man marrying a young girl is never questioned, just taken for granted. Famous mansion turns out to be a run-down barely-standing mess, next to a bankrupt cotton gin that's in danger of closing. 

The story is immediately rife with tension. A husband who lusts after his young wife yet never consummates the marriage. A young bride who obviously has no attraction to the old husband and constantly berates him, makes fun of him and complains all the time. Tennessee Williams sets up a good trap. Yet there's more as a stranger enters the plot, to seduce Baby Doll, and is in turn seduced by her. The foreign stranger, Silva, is a rival, not just in love but in business, as his cotton gin rivals that of Archie Lee--thus setting up more tension.

Baby Doll, the movie, is surprisingly funny and makes fun of all the character's foibles, which there are quite a few. Baby Doll (Carroll Baker) is seen as a spoiled brat with no education whose only asset in life is her good looks and girl-like charm with a voice that is oddly womanlike. Archie Lee (Karl Malden) is an old pro-white southern fool, like a cuckold, that the whole town makes fun of. Silva (Eli Wallach), is a Sicilian foreigner who has made a lot of money taking the cotton gin business away from other people yet suffers constant derision due to the fact that he's a 'stranger' (Italians were looked down upon and called a wop, a derisive term). The time takes place in the south when Franklin Delano Roosevelt is President and there is still segregation. (Baby Doll was filmed in 1956, not long after a fourteen-year-old black boy was lynched for whistling at a white woman). 

It's hard to describe who is in the wrong in this story, when all of them can be seen in a negative light. What is surprising is that in the end, there's no real conclusion yet the audience can tell that these characters have been changed--given a whole new outlook that may change their formerly selfish personalities.

Baby Doll is left at the end, to fend for herself, as the two men who were seen fighting for her are gone. She is left alone with her Aunt, who is in a way already gone, due to her deteriorating mind. It is at the end of this story that Baby Doll finally grows into womanhood and says something absolutely opposite of her former character, something very profound and surprisingly deep--one of those insightful views on life that Tennessee Williams manages to sneak into his character's speech. 

"We got nothing to do but wait for tomorrow. And see if… we're remembered or forgotten". --Baby Doll

Although I don't think Tennessee Williams was ever a feminist, those words echo the life of women in any age. It may be that in this story, Baby Doll is only desired because she is a child-like creature with no education but full of girlish seduction. The character, Baby Doll, says to Silva of all the times she's been with boys--that she finds them childish, as an excuse as to why she married a much older man. Would Baby Doll be desired as much if she had been an older woman? A woman with children, and possibly educated? The answer is most likely not. There would be no titillation, no forbidden desire, no trespass. Silva runs his risk of taking Baby Doll away from Archie Lee, something that was never his to begin with, his child-like bride. But perhaps for Silva, the game would be over once he has had his prize, Baby Doll. 

It was thought in 1956, that the character Silva actually slept with Baby Doll. However, due to the obvious storyline, it would seem he did not. Since Baby Doll has been denied reaching womanhood, the only question is, will she try to be a real wife to her husband Archie Lee, or leave him? The story never answers this. Baby Doll is left alone, no longer an object of attraction, but left alone with her Aunt, a person who may resemble her future self--an old, childless, crone who has gone out of her mind and is in danger of being thrown out of the house.

There's no question that Baby Doll starts off as a spoiled brat, someone uneducated, who can't fend for herself. She talks of her Daddy a lot, in a sense using him as a shield and one who protected her and fawned over her until he died. Now with Archie Lee, she senses she has lost her former protector and uses the only weapon she has left, her body and wit, to keep Archie Lee at bay. Baby Doll is as helpless as her given name and seems to be trapped indefinitely in the role of a Baby Doll. 

Then along comes a stranger, someone who may offer her a way out, and someone definitely more attractive. He seduces her, something she has never experienced and she tries to play hard-to-get but fails miserably. Alas, Silva's goal is not to get her to bed, but to get her to sign as a witness that Archie burned down his cotton gin. Silva is not there to rescue her, he is only using her and she has no clue. Archie is later taken to jail at midnight, after trying to shoot Silva, thus unable to consummate their marriage. In the end Silva is gone. 

It's a mistake to think this film is similar to Lolita, when it can't compare to the complexity of the characters or honesty of the time. Baby Doll makes no apologies for its story, no main character dies or is really punished for what they have done. Even though the film was nearly pushed into obscurity due to the censorship of that era and by the Catholic church, four Academy Awards were nominated--1956 Nominations: Best Actress (Baker), Director (Kazan), Screenplay/Adapted (Williams), and B&W Cinematography (Boris Kaufman). Both Carroll Baker (Baby Doll) and Kazan (Elia Kazan, Director) earned Golden Globes, and Eli Wallach (Silva) received a British Academy Award. 

The only bad part of this film is that it's in black and white and that it sounds a bit silly when Silva is talking to Baby Doll about her blue clothes--when the audience clearly can't see any color. There is bad dubbing in some of the speech and you can tell the sound has been added afterward. 

Also, the scenes of sexuality were a bit harsh, not because of their blatant show of passion but because of Silva's rough handling of Baby Doll, as he 'caresses' her neck with his fingers wrapped around her and flicking at her with his riding crop as she goes into the house. There's also a scene where they play hide-and-go-seek, where he catches her and pins her with his foot on her stomach. It's nothing too violent but it does seem there's something dark hiding underneath. 

Canadian Home Video rates the movie as PG while the American version seems to retain its original 1956 rating of R. Distributed by Warner Home Video Inc., a Warner Bros. Entertainment Company. Castle Hill Productions is also mentioned. www.warnervideo.com 

Shalom Free Clinic Review

This was my first time at the clinic, since I had heard from my friends that it was a good place to go to for check-ups and referrals. 

I don't have a regular doctor, even though I have insurance, not every doctor accepts it and some can't take any more patients. It's really frustrating to get healthcare in Chico, and sometimes Enloe and its Prompt Care center isn't that great. I've never been to the Immediate Care center downtown (I've heard it's bad!), or the former Del Norte clinics which have changed their name to Ampla Health. 

So I biked on over to the church on East First Ave, and looked for the entrance to the clinic. At first I couldn't see where to go, there was a sign but I almost went into the church office before I went around back to the children's preschool area where they had the clinic. I would suggest maybe more signs or at least a chalk arrow for people arriving at the other end. 

You sign up at the front entrance, where you can also give a donation and take a number. It's all anonymous, so you don't have to worry about putting your name down or anything like that. Then you go to the waiting room, where there is some food and drinks and wait. I would suggest bringing something to read, because it's a long wait, especially if they are busy. 

There was a pharmacist guy to answer any medication questions and a table where you could learn about how to eat right. It's OPT for Healthy Living program, and I talked to the volunteers who are health and nutrition majors. 

Since it was my first time, I had to wait for them to make me a folder, discuss my privacy rights and set up my first visit with a doctor or nurse. Another person took my vital signs (blood pressure, heart beat rate, etc.), so nothing too scary.

Then I waited in line for my number to be called.

I was just there for a referral (Gynecology), so I didn't need to see a doctor or nurse for anything important. But I had to wait about two-and-a-half hours before I finally asked to speak to someone and they wrote down where I could go.

Shalom Free Clinic is a non-emergency clinic and you are advised that if you have an emergency, seek immediate medical help somewhere else. For a list of what the Shalom Free Clinic provides, go to their website:
www.shalomfreeclinic.org 

The types of services they provide include basic medical and mental/behavior health services. The Shalom Free Clinic is open every Sunday from 1:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. with no appointment needed. There is no charge for services they provide. 

The Clinic is entirely staffed by both medical and non-medical volunteers. You can also volunteer (http://www.shalomfreeclinic.org/Volunteer.htm) to provide medical or non-medical help such as Waiting Room Attendant, Food and Drink Server, Receptionist, and more. 

The only types of medical services they don't provide include: emergency care, Lab or X-rays, Worker's Compensation Injuries, Insurance physicals, Vision problems, Court ordered tests, etc., Dental problems, etc. 

Other links available:

Shalom Free Clinic
www.shalomfreeclinic.org 

Free Cooking classes for adults (English/Spanish/Hmong), OPT for Healthy Living. Visit: www.cachampionsforchange.net for healthy tips. 

Sierra Cascade Region for Champions for Change:
http://www.scnutrition.org/

Get Cookin’ is a 6 week hands-on cooking class using the nationally renowned curriculum, Cooking Matters. These are free cooking and nutrition classes offered to low-income families in Chico, Oroville, and Thermalito in English, Spanish, and Hmong. During the once a week, 2 hour class, families improve their cooking skills and engage in nutrition education activities. Experience in the kitchen leads to learning how to incorporate healthy eating into their daily lives. A bag of groceries with the ingredients of the day’s recipe is given to each participating family. Families will learn how to eat healthy on a budget.

To sign up for a Get Cookin’ class series, call OPT for Healthy Living (see flyer). 

Anybody Here?

I can't seem to reach anybody...

I call them on their phones and they don't answer. I leave a message on a Facebook page and they don't answer or I forget to check because I have no internet access. I also don't own a Smartphone. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not connected.

When I used to have the internet, I was on Facebook and YouTube all the time. I even updated my MySpace page (a lot of good that does me now). Funny thing was, I never was in touch with people then. I had over eighty friends on my Facebook page and only two of them would actually talk to me. Others would just invite me to play Farmville or some such nonsense.

Now with no internet service, I email my friends once in a while. Most reply within a few days and I try to check my email at least a couple of times a week. But even email has lost its immediate connectivity, since everyone else is on instant messaging with their texting and apps. 

I never could keep up with technology. The first time I got the internet I was fifteen-years-old, in 1998, and I was still using dial-up while people in the city had cable speed. In 2012, I finally bought my own laptop, something that wasn't handed down to me but something I actually chose for myself. An Apple MacBook Pro, which I got for the GarageBand software and the iMovie, where I am constantly making up songs and movies to put on YouTube.

But back to the subject matter... Keeping in touch.
I just can't do it. I still don't know what kind of phone to buy, what service to get with what company, how many data packages I should look over, etc. There are too many choices with too little information and freedom. I've heard of companies double charging customers, limiting their data plans and over-charging when customers go over their data. I can't even keep track of the minutes I use on my old phone (350 I use out of my 4,000 allotted minutes). 

It seems easy for everybody else. All they do is get their phone, log-in to the millions of apps and pages they have and connect. I can't seem to do that. It's hard enough trying to keep a blog going and reading my personal emails, of which I have several accounts. I still have to visit the cafes for Wi-Fi since I still have no internet and can't sign up for a contract, etc. 

I just never thought it would be this hard to connect with people. I've missed so many parties, invites, etc. because I can't check my Facebook at the right time. I can't remember the last time I actually wrote a letter to someone...do people still do that? I don't even know what people do anymore. 

I seem to be out of touch with the whole world. I'm sorry to say I didn't even know about that bombing incident in Boston because I don't have a TV and I don't watch the news. I happened to take a break from the radio news and all I noticed were the American flags at half-mast. My Grandmother called to tell me about it before I left for Hawaii, because she was scared. I didn't even know what had happened...

Living alone, shut off from the world, makes you pretty ignorant. When you don't get out much and your friends are busy working and hanging out on their Smartphones, it's easy to be left out. You don't feel like joining anything 'cause most of the time you need the internet just to get invited. You can't keep up with the private messages 'cause you don't have a Smartphone, so you don't find out that your event has been canceled until you show up and nobody else is there. It puts a real damper on your social life. 

If I were an alcoholic, I could just go to the bars, find out what everybody is talking about there. But that is pretty limiting to me also, since there's only so much you can talk about in a bar. The cafes aren't much better, since everyone goes there to be alone or they are with their own friends. 

I guess I'm just not cut out to be sociable since I've been alone for most of my life. I'm always on the fringe of things and can never keep up with the rest of society. Sometimes I don't even bother... I just write stories, read books, listen to music and rent a few DVD's. Like I said, not very sociable. 

So if you see me on the street with a lost look on my face, don't be surprised. I just haven't figured out what's going on but that's nothing new to me. I'm more likely to make contact with aliens than I am with the rest of the human world. 

Anybody out there?