Living without Attachments

It's now 2019 in San Francisco and I moved here in 2015 of May. I'm not looking forward to the future...

I'm now working six days a week, eight hours a day plus chores, so I'm expending energy of 50+ hours a week. No, I don't get paid overtime and need two jobs (a full-time and part-time job) to support myself with medical costs.

In the four years I've lived here, I'm learning about not having attachments.

San Francisco has changed. In the small four years, I've seen this city become unrecognizable. It's a damn shame too. The city has ruined everything I like. All the good places to eat are gone. All the nice friendly stores have closed. All the people are moving out. The nice parks here? Gone. Destroyed. Anti-homeless barricades have taken their place along with Nazi cameras on every block. ICE prowls the streets in the early mornings of 2AM-5AM. America is a shit-hole.

I'm not even going to mention the name of the “Pussy-grabber” in office. There's no point.

As for me... I've stopped caring.

The Amazon rainforest is burning down, set on fire by corporations and now the earth is on its way to being irreversibly destroyed. I'm just counting the years until I kill myself.

I've lost my attachment to life.

I won't be here for much longer.

That being said, I've learned a lot about letting go.

My grandparents are dead. I don't have any family, that's not abusive, left. I survive on my own.

All my relationships have died off. Even my friends have stopped talking to me. It happens. I've learned to live without friends. When I was a kid I just lived inside my mind, so I'm quite used to being alone.

It hurts sometimes, when I see other humans interacting with each other but I know I'm not one of them, so it doesn't really matter. In the end, all that matters is myself.

I'm writing a little bit. I'm even performing a little bit. Not much else to say.

I've gained weight. I don't exercise much. I don't care to visit the doctor (just paid off $2,000+ doctor visit), so I'd rather just die. I don't even get to travel anymore. My jobs keep me too busy. I'm trying to save money but it's quite pointless. I'll never buy a house or be able to settle down anywhere.

I've started calling myself a witch. It's the closest approximation of what I really am. Witches don't live long. They are usually killed. I've learned to stop caring about being murdered.

I'm not going to accomplish much. It's okay. I don't have to.

My funny friend, whom no one knows, told me, “Cats live for themselves and no one else. Be a cat.” He's right, of course. I joke that I can turn into a cat. I should be like a cat more. Cats don't have attachments.

My intimate relationships are non-existent. The last guy I met and had two dates with left the country. He'll be back later but he'll have moved on. I'm easy to forget. No one cares about me. I just have to move on.

I mentally cross people off and forget about them. My phone has more blocked numbers than saved ones. I've blocked a lot of abusive so-called-family members too. It happens.

I don't form attachments anymore.

I wish I could say I was settled where I live but that would be a lie. I still don't sleep in a proper bed. I don't see the point. All it takes is a fire or earthquake and my place is wiped out.

Tents are torn down in San Francisco daily, even though people have no where to go. Tents are kept in locked cases at Target, in case homeless and poor people try to steal them. Even toothbrushes are kept locked in cases, along with the condoms and birth control. Oddly, the razors are never locked up. I guess they want us to cut ourselves with the razors. That won't do the job. They should give out guns instead...

I'm not really attached to this life. I just pass the time. I eat food and eat again when I'm bored, which is quite often. I try to get through the 8 hour shifts at work by drinking red bull drinks, coffee and espresso shots. Along with the excedrin I take for pain, it helps a little. I try to read books when I can, though San Francisco is cutting the library hours. Soon, there won't be any libraries at all.

I see some protests but I don't care. I'm not a rich college kid with parents who pay my bills. I largely ignore it all. I'm too busy struggling.

I know some people on disability and welfare. They have families. They can afford to do that. One guy in New York I saw had to ask special permission from his Case Worker before he could get an air conditioner in his unit when it was 100 degrees. I don't think it's worth it to depend on the government. It's just a more comfortable version of slavery.

Indentured servitude is what Americans are suffering from. I don't know if there's a way out.

I'm suffering from apathy. I literally can't afford to care.

I'll pay my rent, eat food and go to work. That's all I do. Until I kill myself, there aren't any more options.

I'll go to the gym and do laundry, just to pass the time. I'm not attached to this world. I'm learning to let go of it, day by day, little by little.

I'm not attached to living.

An Open Letter to the Insurance Market

This morning I went to SFHP, to see if I qualified for the HealthSF program. I did not. Even though I make less than $3,000 (net or whatever it's called) and need a second job to pay for healthcare and hospital bills—they calculate it different.

Based on their strange calculations... something about YTD and current pay stub, mixed with a surprise number from my bank statement... they said I made almost $3,200 a month. Huh?!! Yeah, really. And somehow my gross yearly income is close to $40,000. I would like to see that money someday... I wonder who took it? It certainly didn't go into my bank account, that's for damn sure.

Here I am paying my $900 SRO rent in a 10 x 10 room, working over 40 hours a week with one employer (never paid overtime or sick leave) and now on my second job at around 8 hours a week, with 48 hours total a week... and I'm struggling. My healthcare with Anthem is $363... and it raises every year even with Obamacare's mandate.

My housing and other costs: $1,160 (Rent, PG&E, mailbox, Clipper @ $81/month) and now internet at around $50 a month...

My healthcare costs: $363 a month.

My hospital bills: $250 a month (finally paid off this month in August, from April 2019). Unless I get more “surprise” bills from Sutter Health, who are known to overcharge people.

My “real” income is less than $3,000 a month. In San Francisco, that's poverty level. Every paycheck means I have to calculate what I spend each month. I never get to save anything at all.

I've lost several thousand since moving here in 2015, due to medical bills and having to help my grandparents until they died in 2016. I sold my car ($4,000) to move to San Francisco. I got a second job in 2018 to help pay for medical costs and try to save some money. All that's left now? $300. That's it.

If I went on Covered CA (a known scam if you look at the Yelp reviews), during the Open Enrollment date in October, I won't be covered until January 2020. That's bullshit.

Considering my last debacle with Covered CA...

in which Blue Shield never got my payment from Covered CA and where I called the CA Health Dept. and the woman there told me (I have a video of this!), “I wouldn't put my own family on Covered CA!”

…

I probably won't go with Covered CA.

Right now, I'm putting my payments late into Anthem because I literally can't afford to pay it on time because I need to pay rent first.

Due to my employer owing me 8 hours of work which he refuses to pay... I have even less money than I'm supposed to.

I still haven't gotten paid from my second job.

I would quit both jobs and go on welfare except I know people on it already, who have to ask permission from their Case Manager just to have an air conditioner in their room—no, I kid you not.

Basically, Covered CA benefits people who want to stay in poverty, have 10 kids, who are married and sponge off their parents. I'm not that lucky. I don't have rich parents to sponge off of. They make way less money than I do but get benefits. I also choose not to have 10 kids and it's nobody's business if I decide to marry.

So I guess the only answer is, be a slave to the government or suffer if you make a little bit of money and never be able to afford anything.

I've known people suffering in their horrible jobs, just so they can keep their health insurance (what tiny bit they get out of it). I believe this is called: indentured servitude. If you look up these words in a Thesaurus and read history, you'll realize this is very close to slavery.

I'm not sure I want to support this broken system.

Do I give up my health insurance, save $363 a month and hope I stay healthy for many years?

Or, do I keep the rip-off $363 a month insurance which gives me no doctor visits, lab tests or covers any hospital visits and allows companies like Sutter Health to overcharge and rip-off patients, forcing them to pay more of their meager income on bills that cost $200+ a month for a year?

Hospitals now threaten their patients with collection agencies if they don't pay on time or have a late payment. Even though in most states (including California) this is supposed to be illegal, they still get away with it. Some people manage to bargain down the hospitals, as long as they make a payment. For others, I know medical bills are the most common reason for bankruptcy and housing loss.

Right now, at least ten people I've seen have had to use crowd-funding to pay for their medical expenses, in the amount of $2,000 or more.

This country still doesn't have healthcare for its citizens. I find that criminal. Considering how much people suffer and lose when they don't have it—the least this country of billionaires can do is offer the lowly citizens free and low-cost coverage.

But that would mean less profits for them. Billionaires are terrified of losing money, it's true. It's their job to keep us poor. If healthcare were free, it would mean regulating a market that has sprouted many heads of corruption... something that billionaires are loathe to do because that is where they make the most money (aside from war and oil).

Covered California is a broken system that works as a middle man to support corrupt insurance companies. Anthem wasn't even on it for a network choice, go figure. Obamacare only lived up to the promise of putting more people on Medi-Cal. We can do better. Employers can do better too. In San Francisco, anyone working 40 hours a week (or more) should have some form of health insurance, regardless of how many employees a company has.

Also, please don't look down on retail workers, baristas or other working-class people who don't have rich parents to sponge off of like you do. Just because we choose not to be on welfare, doesn't mean we should be punished for it. We certainly don't deserve your scorn. We put up with enough shit as it is.