It's now 2019 in San Francisco and I
moved here in 2015 of May. I'm not looking forward to the future...
I'm now working six days a week, eight
hours a day plus chores, so I'm expending energy of 50+ hours a week.
No, I don't get paid overtime and need two jobs (a full-time and
part-time job) to support myself with medical costs.
In the four years I've lived here, I'm
learning about not having attachments.
San Francisco has changed. In the small
four years, I've seen this city become unrecognizable. It's a damn
shame too. The city has ruined everything I like. All the good places
to eat are gone. All the nice friendly stores have closed. All the
people are moving out. The nice parks here? Gone. Destroyed.
Anti-homeless barricades have taken their place along with Nazi
cameras on every block. ICE prowls the streets in the early mornings
of 2AM-5AM. America is a shit-hole.
I'm not even going to mention the name
of the “Pussy-grabber” in office. There's no point.
As for me... I've stopped caring.
The Amazon rainforest is burning down,
set on fire by corporations and now the earth is on its way to being
irreversibly destroyed. I'm just counting the years until I kill
myself.
I've lost my attachment to life.
I won't be here for much longer.
That being said, I've learned a lot
about letting go.
My grandparents are dead. I don't have
any family, that's not abusive, left. I survive on my own.
All my relationships have died off.
Even my friends have stopped talking to me. It happens. I've learned
to live without friends. When I was a kid I just lived inside my
mind, so I'm quite used to being alone.
It hurts sometimes, when I see other
humans interacting with each other but I know I'm not one of them, so
it doesn't really matter. In the end, all that matters is myself.
I'm writing a little bit. I'm even
performing a little bit. Not much else to say.
I've gained weight. I don't exercise
much. I don't care to visit the doctor (just paid off $2,000+ doctor
visit), so I'd rather just die. I don't even get to travel anymore.
My jobs keep me too busy. I'm trying to save money but it's quite
pointless. I'll never buy a house or be able to settle down anywhere.
I've started calling myself a witch.
It's the closest approximation of what I really am. Witches don't
live long. They are usually killed. I've learned to stop caring about
being murdered.
I'm not going to accomplish much. It's
okay. I don't have to.
My funny friend, whom no one knows,
told me, “Cats live for themselves and no one else. Be a cat.”
He's right, of course. I joke that I can turn into a cat. I should be
like a cat more. Cats don't have attachments.
My intimate relationships are
non-existent. The last guy I met and had two dates with left the
country. He'll be back later but he'll have moved on. I'm easy to
forget. No one cares about me. I just have to move on.
I mentally cross people off and forget
about them. My phone has more blocked numbers than saved ones. I've
blocked a lot of abusive so-called-family members too. It happens.
I don't form attachments anymore.
I wish I could say I was settled where
I live but that would be a lie. I still don't sleep in a proper bed.
I don't see the point. All it takes is a fire or earthquake and my
place is wiped out.
Tents are torn down in San Francisco
daily, even though people have no where to go. Tents are kept in
locked cases at Target, in case homeless and poor people try to steal
them. Even toothbrushes are kept locked in cases, along with the
condoms and birth control. Oddly, the razors are never locked up. I
guess they want us to cut ourselves with the razors. That won't do
the job. They should give out guns instead...
I'm not really attached to this life. I
just pass the time. I eat food and eat again when I'm bored, which is
quite often. I try to get through the 8 hour shifts at work by
drinking red bull drinks, coffee and espresso shots. Along with the
excedrin I take for pain, it helps a little. I try to read books when
I can, though San Francisco is cutting the library hours. Soon, there
won't be any libraries at all.
I see some protests but I don't care.
I'm not a rich college kid with parents who pay my bills. I largely
ignore it all. I'm too busy struggling.
I know some people on disability and
welfare. They have families. They can afford to do that. One guy in
New York I saw had to ask special permission from his Case Worker
before he could get an air conditioner in his unit when it was 100
degrees. I don't think it's worth it to depend on the government.
It's just a more comfortable version of slavery.
Indentured servitude is what Americans
are suffering from. I don't know if there's a way out.
I'm suffering from apathy. I literally
can't afford to care.
I'll pay my rent, eat food and go to
work. That's all I do. Until I kill myself, there aren't any more
options.
I'll go to the gym and do laundry, just
to pass the time. I'm not attached to this world. I'm learning to let
go of it, day by day, little by little.
I'm not attached to living.
