Update: I quit the second job I was taking (still haven't been paid for it), after I realized the situation was really bad and possibly abusive. It turns out I was 100% right, as the employer refuses to pay me minimum wage for training and may not even pay me at all.
- Lack of communication
- No time set for training/unclear scheduling/last minute scheduling
- Bad work environment
- Lack of co-worker interaction/communication/transparency
My self-esteem took a nose dive as I realized I was comparing myself to others and it was making me terribly insecure. I realize society does this on purpose to people in order to fester a false purpose: make us buy crap, make us compete for scraps, etc.
I'm not rich.
Let me repeat that... I'm not rich. I have to work for money. Employers control that money. I must use my skills to ensure I get paid and work it out so I can have a good work to live balance. After four years, since moving to SF in 2015, to get my first full-time job, I finally have a reasonable schedule with weekends off and somewhat decent pay above minimum wage.
Unless I get fired.
It's all in the hands of the employer. Which means it may be necessary to switch jobs many times in a year to find a decent one to stick with for at least two years. That's called: Real Life.
Don't rush into jobs where they hire only part-time students. This means they don't care about you and it's basically slave-labor. You are disposable here. Wait until the holiday season when the kids drop like flies and employers are desperate for help, as everyone leaves town and employers want a day off.
Then talk your way into a full-time job after December, since you're the only reliable person left.
Don't get abused by your employer. You are still the labor force they need. Without you they have to do it all themselves and they will burn out quickly. Most places need two owners/managers to keep it going and that's because one of them can't really do the job all that well.
Friendship...
I may have to cut some so-called friends. Some of my friendships have turned abusive: condescending attitude towards what I do for a living, how I live, what I do with my life etc. I have better enemies than friends like this. If anyone does this to you, drop them like the useless baggage they are.
Bowing out...
I've been "invited" to many events/classes (ordered to show up regardless of my work schedule or personal comfort). I will no longer bow down to people's wills and whims--instead I will bow out gracefully or slam the door in their face. I don't need this shit. It's my life.
Setting decent boundaries.
This is important to protecting yourself and pacing yourself. Right now, my room is a mess but I have a blow-up queen bed I can sleep in so... YAY! I'm sleeping better now. I can't afford or have time for remodeling my room to Ikea (c) standards. It's not going to happen. I live in filth sometimes but that's how it is. I cannot change this unless my living situation changes which won't happen because I can't afford even $1,500 rent. So tough.
I'm not "edu-macated". I don't have a Master's Degree. It's okay. All my friends who have this piece of paper that cost them $50,000+ are now working in restaurants, as nannies or with horrible part-time jobs. A few teach... and make no money. I have no degree, no student debt and make some money to keep myself going. I'm okay with that.
No rich parents. No parents at all.
The constant lying and stories I come up with to fill this gap amazes me and I wonder how I do it, then remember I'm a writer and I can make anything up and be good at it. People believe me because I'm a damn good writer and my life borders on the unbelievable to nearly impossible, so it's totally real.
"Lovers are Losers" -- Molly Nilsson.
The anxiety that comes from dating may be too much for me. Other people's expectations push me in directions I don't care to venture into.
- Have sex on the 3rd date (Um, is there my own house on the 3rd date? Cuz' I'm not risking getting pregnant for nothing!). I seriously need more than a flashing text for commitment.
- Don't be needy. Let them know you need them. (Wtf?)
- Play games. Don't play games. (see above)
- Be rich. (Well, fuck this shit!)
- Be blonde, with breast surgery, botox, a tan that gives you cancer, false teeth, a plastic vagina, hairless body, beauty contestant, virgin, sex whore, wife, who keeps her figure no matter how many babies she's had who wants to marry men based on society's standards of what a man should be and live up to those false standards no matter how miserable she is, etc.
No dude on earth is going to pressure me into anything without something in return -- and screw all society!
I've read the Men's Elite Advice and it's a piece of shit, written by ass-hole men who want to flash their cars and blonde girls at you for money. Don't believe any of their shit. Same with the dumb-ass blonde women who tell you the same shit but from a different gender.
I won't go into queer advice because I can't keep up with all of that. I'm not Queer, I'm just me, and I don't do labels.
Avoid Social Media.
This has caused me to lash out at people and react in horrible ways I shouldn't. Reading bad news over and over again is not helpful.
Fear. Fear. Fear.
My own fears get the better of me, mixed with societal anxieties and pressures that I'd rather just shut away and never look at again.
I've been gaslighted when my life was in danger and people cared more about the rapist than myself... so that says it all right there. When people defend aggressors and creeps, it's time to step away from those people. All of them. Every. Single. One.
I'm going to be myself and everyone can piss off. I'm too old for this shit and I want to live my own life.
