Moving Ahead

If anyone just read the last post, it was really depressing. It's okay. Depression is totally acceptable and I don't care what society says, I'm allowed to have feelings.

Update: I quit the second job I was taking (still haven't been paid for it), after I realized the situation was really bad and possibly abusive. It turns out I was 100% right, as the employer refuses to pay me minimum wage for training and may not even pay me at all.

• Lack of communication
• No time set for training/unclear scheduling/last minute scheduling
• Bad work environment
• Lack of co-worker interaction/communication/transparency

If you see these signs anywhere, it's time to leave.

My self-esteem took a nose dive as I realized I was comparing myself to others and it was making me terribly insecure. I realize society does this on purpose to people in order to fester a false purpose: make us buy crap, make us compete for scraps, etc.

I'm not rich.

Let me repeat that... I'm not rich. I have to work for money. Employers control that money. I must use my skills to ensure I get paid and work it out so I can have a good work to live balance. After four years, since moving to SF in 2015, to get my first full-time job, I finally have a reasonable schedule with weekends off and somewhat decent pay above minimum wage.

Unless I get fired.

It's all in the hands of the employer. Which means it may be necessary to switch jobs many times in a year to find a decent one to stick with for at least two years. That's called: Real Life.

Don't rush into jobs where they hire only part-time students. This means they don't care about you and it's basically slave-labor. You are disposable here. Wait until the holiday season when the kids drop like flies and employers are desperate for help, as everyone leaves town and employers want a day off.

Then talk your way into a full-time job after December, since you're the only reliable person left. 

Don't get abused by your employer. You are still the labor force they need. Without you they have to do it all themselves and they will burn out quickly. Most places need two owners/managers to keep it going and that's because one of them can't really do the job all that well.

Friendship...

I may have to cut some so-called friends. Some of my friendships have turned abusive: condescending attitude towards what I do for a living, how I live, what I do with my life etc. I have better enemies than friends like this. If anyone does this to you, drop them like the useless baggage they are.

Bowing out...

I've been "invited" to many events/classes (ordered to show up regardless of my work schedule or personal comfort). I will no longer bow down to people's wills and whims--instead I will bow out gracefully or slam the door in their face. I don't need this shit. It's my life.

Setting decent boundaries.

This is important to protecting yourself and pacing yourself. Right now, my room is a mess but I have a blow-up queen bed I can sleep in so... YAY! I'm sleeping better now. I can't afford or have time for remodeling my room to Ikea (c) standards. It's not going to happen. I live in filth sometimes but that's how it is. I cannot change this unless my living situation changes which won't happen because I can't afford even $1,500 rent. So tough.

I'm not "edu-macated". I don't have a Master's Degree. It's okay. All my friends who have this piece of paper that cost them $50,000+ are now working in restaurants, as nannies or with horrible part-time jobs. A few teach... and make no money. I have no degree, no student debt and make some money to keep myself going. I'm okay with that.

No rich parents. No parents at all. 

The constant lying and stories I come up with to fill this gap amazes me and I wonder how I do it, then remember I'm a writer and I can make anything up and be good at it. People believe me because I'm a damn good writer and my life borders on the unbelievable to nearly impossible, so it's totally real.

"Lovers are Losers" -- Molly Nilsson.

The anxiety that comes from dating may be too much for me. Other people's expectations push me in directions I don't care to venture into.

• Have sex on the 3rd date (Um, is there my own house on the 3rd date? Cuz' I'm not risking getting pregnant for nothing!). I seriously need more than a flashing text for commitment. 
• Don't be needy. Let them know you need them. (Wtf?)
• Play games. Don't play games. (see above)
• Be rich. (Well, fuck this shit!)
• Be blonde, with breast surgery, botox, a tan that gives you cancer, false teeth, a plastic vagina, hairless body, beauty contestant, virgin, sex whore, wife, who keeps her figure no matter how many babies she's had who wants to marry men based on society's standards of what a man should be and live up to those false standards no matter how miserable she is, etc.

No dude on earth is going to pressure me into anything without something in return -- and screw all society!

I've read the Men's Elite Advice and it's a piece of shit, written by ass-hole men who want to flash their cars and blonde girls at you for money. Don't believe any of their shit. Same with the dumb-ass blonde women who tell you the same shit but from a different gender.

I won't go into queer advice because I can't keep up with all of that. I'm not Queer, I'm just me, and I don't do labels.

Avoid Social Media.

This has caused me to lash out at people and react in horrible ways I shouldn't. Reading bad news over and over again is not helpful. 

Fear. Fear. Fear. 

My own fears get the better of me, mixed with societal anxieties and pressures that I'd rather just shut away and never look at again. 

I've been gaslighted when my life was in danger and people cared more about the rapist than myself... so that says it all right there. When people defend aggressors and creeps, it's time to step away from those people. All of them. Every. Single. One.

I'm going to be myself and everyone can piss off. I'm too old for this shit and I want to live my own life. 

Stupid men shouldn't tell Women what to do...

You'd be amazed how many men come up to me, total strangers, and start bossing me around. First they tell me to, "Smile!", when all I want to do is kick them in the face and knock their rotten teeth out. Men I don't know, think they know more than I do and offer 'advice' that ends up being totally stupid. I just nod, because if I told them so, they wouldn't believe me--still offering their stupid 'advice'.

Some men I do know (unfortunately) also boss me around and try to tell me what to do. I knew one older guy who told me to read a book. It ended up being Siddhartha and here he was spouting a bunch of nonsense about how inspirational it all was, saying, "Once you read it, you'll realize what it's all about". I had to interrupt his long spiel (when I had a chance to get a word in) and say, "I read it in high school, but thanks anyway". Or worse yet, they say to me, "I don't know if this book is your thing, it might be too cerebral for you..." Um no, dumb-ass, I've already read Einstein and found it hilarious that he thinks the universe has no end (or was that Hawking?).

I read a lot and any man who thinks he knows more than I do, just because he's read a bunch of books by dumb-ass men, really doesn't know diddly-squat. The funny thing is, whenever I ask these men what books they've read by women--they become speechless! They don't freaking know! Or they'll say something stupid like: "Oh, you mean something like Fifty Shades of Grey?". This is the point where I just shake my head and start ignoring them.

The unfortunate truth is, these men think they are smart! They don't even know how idiotic they are. These men start talking philosophy, quoting old dead men but when they're asked about real life, all they can do is regurgitate the same quote, over and over.

And their view of women is even worse...

The same, supposedly intelligent men, think women should stay at home and have their babies. That's it! Women are not capable of enlightenment. "Oh you don't need to worry your pretty little head about that, just stay home and have the babies!" They say. Forget about women's rights or anyone else's rights for that matter--they don't believe stupid people should have the right to vote. I've often heard them say, "Well if they're not interested in politics, they shouldn't vote." Never mind how insane politics are in general and that your vote doesn't count (unless you're a lobbyist).

I've heard nasty stories from these elitists about how they think stupid people shouldn't breed (uh, according to you, aren't women the stupid people? Should we not breed?). How society should be controlled by the intelligent elite and that stupid people are cattle to be herded around blindly.

To me, it sounds a lot like what Hitler was saying about the Jews... Oh yeah! These supposedly intelligent people also put Hitler on a pedestal for some strange twisted reason I can't comprehend. They've all read Mein Kampf as if it were some bible to follow. Disgusting!

Basically, any man that would think they can tell a woman what to do, is obviously very stupid and foolish. Silly men, the world is for WOMEN!

Not that I expect to tell a man what to do, I don't do that sort of thing. I believe everyone should be equal and have their own mind. It's a give-and-take relationship but if you find they are 'giving' too much advice without even considering your side or 'taking' too much of you for granted--it's time to ditch the loser and move on!

Since I am more intelligent that these men, I try to say nothing most of the time. A few times I had to 'correct' someone who was out of line (a despicable man joking about how pretty women are the first to get pregnant, strip clubs, etc.). I know stupidity can't be cured or solved by such means.

Ignorance can be tolerated but not such blind stupidity--such blatant stubborn stupidity. These people are not capable of having an intelligent thought which requires analysis, introspection, empathy and careful consideration.

Truly intelligent people, I've found, are quiet and thoughtful--thinking first before they speak and weighing their words with proper caution so as not to be misunderstood or offensive to others.

Intelligent people in other words, are a lot like me.

My intelligent advice to stupid men is, "Don't open your mouth as much. Listen for once to what women have to say. You might learn something."