Life Interrupted

LIFE INTERRUPTED

I know these dates by heart:
2010
2011
2013
2014
2015
2016
2018
2019
2020
2021

These are all the times I've been a victim or witness to violence.

My stories even reflect this harsh reality. You can see a huge SLASH where the story just stops and nothing is written ever again.

I have over 50 unfinished stories. They've all stopped when something bad happened to me.

I've been homeless.
I've been harassed by cops.
I've witnessed kidnapping, rape and sex-trafficking.
I was almost kidnapped, raped and possibly murdered.

I fear for the victims now; they might be dead.

I received horrible news about another victim who was sex-trafficked. Police never helped them or the family.

They are dead now.

I try to write about these horrible things.
I can't.

Everytime I try, something stops me--life gets in the way and I have to run away again, so that I can survive another day.

Survive for what?
I'm not even sure anymore.

Too much has happened to me.
My life has been interrupted so many times. Too many re-starts and I never get to finish anything.

I've never finished my degrees.
I've never finished my jobs.
I've had over 12 different employers in 5 years.

Even my rental history has jumped around so much, landlords don't want to rent to me.
My credit is lower than it should be because of this.

How can a woman live when she's constantly interrupted by crime?

COVID-19 Pandemic Alienation and Violence Against Women

I can't explain just how alienating this pandemic has been for me.

I'm poor and I live in an SRO.

There's no house for me. There's no kitchen where I can bake bread, like all the housewives are doing now during the pandemic. There's no garden where I can plant my own food.

I have no car to drive with.

My friends are online sometimes and I rarely talk to them. They all live in houses. I do not.

It's even more alienating during a pandemic when you're witness to violence.

I had to call the police after hearing something very disturbing. A man was committing violence against a woman upstairs from me. But the police wouldn't believe me because I didn't “SEE” anything.

The man is moving out... but there's nothing else I can do. No one believes me about the woman.

I can't tell you how alienating this is for me.

Victims of violence are often gaslighted and so are witnesses.

I can't do much more.

People like me are the first to die, especially during a pandemic.

I've seen how the homeless are treated.

It's beyond frustrating. It fills me with rage.

All the normal people are complaining they can't bake their bread well enough. All the people safe in their houses complain about having to clean out the garage now during the pandemic. All the “work at home” techies complain about how slow Amazon is during the pandemic—with no regard to the unprotected workers. All the other people are hoarding toilet paper.

Meanwhile, I still have to deal with violence around me.

I can't socialize very well with people whose only priority is ordering dresses or knitting or baking bread...

I can't talk to people who've never witnessed or experienced violence.

It's a total disconnect.

I cannot connect with these strange people who seem to be another species from me.

I know people who lose their minds from this disconnect. Some people do drugs. Others drink. Some people kill themselves.

I don't know what I'll do yet.

But I do want to escape.

If I'm going to be trapped somewhere, it may as well be nice.

Where can I flee to?

There was housing discrimination before the virus. It's even worse when people don't have any income.

I'm still trapped in poverty. No matter how hard I work I can't get over poverty.

I'm trying to study more about PTSD and C-PTSD to understand my symptoms and why it's affecting me so strongly. I realized the underprivileged suffer more from trauma than privileged “Normal” people.

I don't have the luxury of baking bread during the pandemic.

Judith Herman (about self-/conscious raising), “It was okay to trust your own observations... even if nobody else seemed to think that what you saw made any sense.”

https://traumainform.wordpress.com/2012/07/07/judith-herman-and-the-formulation-of-c-ptsd/

It's too hard to recover in isolation.

I have feelings of guilt and shame. I believe the perpetrator of violence upstairs was taking revenge on me. He knows I can hear him. I don't know what happened to the woman or if he killed her. Cops won't do anything without proof. Even if I hear violence it's not enough to call cops.

I was listening to music and laughing and being myself. I was getting back in shape and watching videos online. I was fine.

And then this creep upstairs violated a woman. He's been doing this off an on, bringing women over on weekends... and I don't know what happens to them after.

Women have disappeared and their bodies dumped—cops won't do anything.

I can't heal in a place like this.

The guy upstairs is supposed to be leaving but the violence won't end.

I don't know how to make it end.

Trying to study more:

The Impact of Trauma on Adult Sexual Assault Victims 2019

Report Submitted to: Justice Canada

by Dr. Lori Haskell, C. Psych., Dr. Melanie Randall

https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/trauma/trauma_eng.pdf

indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by

the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in

affiliation with or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.

Things I see at BART stations...

I wanted to make this a regular column, as I notice a lot around me while waiting for the next BART train to arrive.

* * *

"Look Like A Lady"

One day I was waiting at the BART station (I forget which one now) and I happened to see a woman working there. A BART employee dressed in blue, moving a trashcan and picking up the litter dropped by careless, sloppy people everyday.

"How can she stand it?" I thought and watched her for a bit. Then something struck me.

The woman was dressed as if to go out for a night on the town at the Ritz or someplace special. Her hair was perfectly coiffured, diamond earrings (not sure if they were the real thing), perfect makeup and manicured nails.

"Wow, she goes to a lot of effort!" Was my next thought. 

But why? Why all the trouble just to be working at BART and picking up people's trash? Other than ticket sales, there's not much else to do in a BART station. Then I wondered...

Such a crappy job. Maybe she does this to keep her dignity. If you're picking up other people's trash, you don't want to be treated like trash yourself (as I've witnessed first-hand). Or maybe, she does this everyday, regardless of her job or what she's doing.

"I like to look good!" She'd probably say if I asked her why she was all dolled-up.

Also, she was black. Yes, I mentioned race here because I believe it's a factor. I happen to notice black women go to more effort to look good. Perhaps it's the culture, "Gotta look good to feel good!". Or perhaps, you have to go to more effort just to be treated with respect if you're black.

Don't get me wrong, I know the black ladies love to dress up on Sundays and they set the trends for hats, I just wonder about the rest of it. It may be a stereotype but the black women have always put a lot of effort into their looks.

Long polished nails, makeup and hair always done right, always at the salon... even when going out grocery shopping, they look like they just came from church or a night on the town. I may be speaking about older black women here but even younger women won't go out without a thorough inspection of themselves (and their friends).

Michelle Obama, First Black Lady of the White House, has become the new fashion icon (though I feel she's just too Martha Stewart and Jackie "O" Kennedy for me).

It made me wonder how much effort I should put into my own presentation. I'm a white, 31-year-old, unmarried female, who'd rather be comfortable in jeans, t-shirt and sneakers than dress up. God forbid I have to wear make-up! I tend to spend $100 in make-up and clothing when I try to look like other females of my age and social class (whatever that may be), because I simply don't have a clue as to what I'm supposed to do. I don't read fashion magazines or care what the latest Kardashian chick is wearing (Are they still on TV?).

How am I treated, based on how I dress? 

Going through an effort may pay off after all.

If I have a crappy job, one where I'm picking up other people's trash, I want to look just like that lady I saw in the BART station. No matter what, I'll be looking my best and no one will be able to treat me badly because then I'll say to them, "I didn't doll myself up here for nothing! I'm a Lady and you better treat me like one!"

I didn’t Vote today

On the news the poll results are coming in already, from the east coast, where the polling places have closed. I should be interested in the results but I’m not. I couldn’t care less.

I know how important it is to make your voice heard. I know many women fought hard and long to get a chance to be recognized as a voting citizen in this country. Women were the primary instigators for many of the positive changes in this country such as: abolition of slavery, children and worker’s rights, women’s rights, unions and medical care.

When I used to be a Democrat, I voted for President Obama and rejoiced at his election. Then more wars were started after he was given the Nobel Peace Prize. Now I know better. Politics is filled with corruption. I’ve become embittered and cynical of “Change”.

Now I’m decline to state. I don’t believe in party politics. I believe real change comes from people, not political groups or bureaucracy filled with the corruption of lobbyists and private corporations. You won’t see real change in politics or the White House, which is too entrenched in the pentagon and other bad influences.

The 99% are fighting for economic equality while the 1% still control over 50% of the wealth in this country. Prejudice remains with a black president. Women are still violated in this country. Not much has changed.

As for me, I’ve never felt less empowered in my entire life.

Since my life has taken a bad turn I don’t feel the need to participate in the same society that has rejected me. I don’t feel like taking part in any of their lies.

In order for “voting” to work, you must be recognized as a citizen and I’m not recognized as anything. I don’t have my own house nor have I lived in a residence for over 7 years. I don’t make enough money to pay taxes, so I’m not even one of those “Tax Paying Citizens” that the Republicans value so much.

My future is uncertain. How can I be expected to participate in public citizenship and make decisions for the city, state and federal causes when I can’t even control my own life?

This is the real question that bothers me.

For the first time in my life I’ve realized I can no longer predict what will happen to me or how I can control my life, especially when outside factors play such a big part in destroying my destiny. I am resentful of society and their lies, their false expectations of how to fit in and be a “citizen”. Not to mention a “human being”.

Is it any wonder I don’t feel like voting?

Do you OM?

After hearing about something called an OM practice, I ended up watching a "How to OM" video about it and didn't know whether I should laugh out loud or just sit there and scratch my head in puzzlement...

First of all, the OM stands for Orgasmic Meditation (copyright by OneTaste) and according to their website:

"Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a practice in which one partner gently strokes the other partner’s clitoris for 15 minutes."

The video I watched featured a man, Jacqui, and a woman, Elena, demonstrating how this is done--Yes, they actually show all of it.

In the video, the man keeps all his clothes on and the woman undresses to the point of exposing herself below the belt... her "pussy" (their word for vagina, not mine) is then bared and ready for the OM.

It's all very new-agey and almost spiritual-like, as they get ready for this act on their "nest" (a bed of blankets and pillows) and perform this Meditation until the final point, after 15 minutes, where the woman has an orgasm.

The goal is mainly for the woman to achieve orgasm and is not reciprocal, the man doesn't experience anything other than the "amazing golden light and electrical impulses going from her body to my finger and up through my chakras" (which I paraphrased to that extent).

In the "How to OM" video, the woman achieves orgasm and moans, so in effect it does seem to work! As for the explicit nature of the practice, the woman's "pussy" is blurred for the viewers but we get an actual animated and somewhat graphic picture showing how the man should move his finger and conduct this "light-filled" act.

I'm all for men pleasuring women to have orgasm and I'm glad someone out there is actually showing men how to do this.

Though it can be for any gender to perform the website OneTaste focuses primarily on the hetero couple with the end result of the woman having orgasm--so I don't know how this would work for two guys...

However, I must note how ridiculous this is too. For those old enough (and sober enough) to remember the love-filled '60's, this is a flashback to the days when you could go up to someone and say, "Hey, let's make love, not war!" except this time it's, "Hey, I think you're cute, do you want to OM with me?" And as the case with some of those love-filled workshops, they also charge you for the "secret knowledge of the OM"--as much as $250 for some conferences.

Apparently, someone has marketed this "Art of Loving a Woman" into a money-making scheme and I have to note that most people are in it just for sex--never mind the life-affirming light-filled joy you get when fingering a woman--everyone's in it for something else.

I don't ultimately approve of the copyrighted-OneTaste/OM-trademark-protected-"don't you dare steal this from us"-lawyer-guarded-stock-market-valued business...

Here's an example of why, from the OneTaste website:

The Orgasm Barometer

Get your Orgasm Quotient. Discover how to increase it. Live Powered by Orgasm.

Fill out the details and an Orgasm Expert will contact you within 24 hours to help you discover how to increase your Orgasm Quotient!

That's just bad marketing. Telling a woman how much and how many times she should have an orgasm is really none of their business--oh wait, it is now... that's too much.

The truth is you shouldn't have to pay in order to pleasure a woman or be pleasured. If you're comfortable enough with your own body and are comfortable sharing your body and your pleasure with another, all you need is mutual trust, attraction and space of comfort.

Though in this society, that's hard to come by because we are taught to hide our bodies, that our nakedness is shameful and that if we share our pleasure with another without the protection of marriage then we'll be punished in some form for our disobedience.

Plenty of people go on Craig's List to "hook-up", yet how many of them actually make any sort of connection? The goal shouldn't just be sex, pleasure, or orgasm, it should a treasured moment that you can take with you to make you more confident, secure and willing to share yourself without shame--simply for the mutual joy that you both shared together.

If I sound like an enlightened, hippie-sex-loving woman, that's only because I've had to learn this for myself by participating in arenas where I could express myself sensually and sexually without shame with other like-minded individuals.

But few people are as adventurous or self-affirming as I and so must enroll themselves into these cult-like sex conferences veiled in the "self-help" section of rich, and (primarily white) heterosexual society.

That being said, this OM program does have some steps and rules to follow, one of which is: CONSENT. Obviously you can't just go up to a woman and say, "Hey, can I finger... uh, I mean OM you?" Also, it's more than just fingering, according to the video you are supposed to form a bond and intimate connection with your partner before, during and after this act.

Although the goal is to make the woman have an orgasm, that's not your total endgame. After participating in her pleasure you're both supposed to talk about what you got out of it, what you were experiencing during it and probably cuddle afterwards if you want. You're supposed to: COMMUNICATE & CONNECT.

How far you want to take this sexual/spiritual act is up to you. One person quotes from the OneTaste website:

"I feel God in many more places by feeling God in an OM. I notice God when I watch someone reading a book on the bus. I notice God when I see a man playing with his young daughter. I notice God when I am alone and not lonely." 

--Kasia P.

Just think, if everyone participated in this OM practice, how many happy women in the world there would be!

As funny as the OM sounds, I'm glad that this prudish country is finally opening up to the fact that women do in fact feel sexual pleasure and that they have a right to enjoy it, even to invite it, without some horrible harm befalling them.

It's a start to recognizing that women's bodies deserve respect, worship, adoration, intimacy and love through an interesting exercise that teaches (primarily) men what a woman's body looks like, how to describe that lovely body, how to pleasure it and ultimately adore it.

Oh yeah, here's that OM link with all those funny quotes and the "How to OM" video (WARNING--EXPLICIT CONTENT):

http://onetaste.us

Stupid men shouldn't tell Women what to do...

You'd be amazed how many men come up to me, total strangers, and start bossing me around. First they tell me to, "Smile!", when all I want to do is kick them in the face and knock their rotten teeth out. Men I don't know, think they know more than I do and offer 'advice' that ends up being totally stupid. I just nod, because if I told them so, they wouldn't believe me--still offering their stupid 'advice'.

Some men I do know (unfortunately) also boss me around and try to tell me what to do. I knew one older guy who told me to read a book. It ended up being Siddhartha and here he was spouting a bunch of nonsense about how inspirational it all was, saying, "Once you read it, you'll realize what it's all about". I had to interrupt his long spiel (when I had a chance to get a word in) and say, "I read it in high school, but thanks anyway". Or worse yet, they say to me, "I don't know if this book is your thing, it might be too cerebral for you..." Um no, dumb-ass, I've already read Einstein and found it hilarious that he thinks the universe has no end (or was that Hawking?).

I read a lot and any man who thinks he knows more than I do, just because he's read a bunch of books by dumb-ass men, really doesn't know diddly-squat. The funny thing is, whenever I ask these men what books they've read by women--they become speechless! They don't freaking know! Or they'll say something stupid like: "Oh, you mean something like Fifty Shades of Grey?". This is the point where I just shake my head and start ignoring them.

The unfortunate truth is, these men think they are smart! They don't even know how idiotic they are. These men start talking philosophy, quoting old dead men but when they're asked about real life, all they can do is regurgitate the same quote, over and over.

And their view of women is even worse...

The same, supposedly intelligent men, think women should stay at home and have their babies. That's it! Women are not capable of enlightenment. "Oh you don't need to worry your pretty little head about that, just stay home and have the babies!" They say. Forget about women's rights or anyone else's rights for that matter--they don't believe stupid people should have the right to vote. I've often heard them say, "Well if they're not interested in politics, they shouldn't vote." Never mind how insane politics are in general and that your vote doesn't count (unless you're a lobbyist).

I've heard nasty stories from these elitists about how they think stupid people shouldn't breed (uh, according to you, aren't women the stupid people? Should we not breed?). How society should be controlled by the intelligent elite and that stupid people are cattle to be herded around blindly.

To me, it sounds a lot like what Hitler was saying about the Jews... Oh yeah! These supposedly intelligent people also put Hitler on a pedestal for some strange twisted reason I can't comprehend. They've all read Mein Kampf as if it were some bible to follow. Disgusting!

Basically, any man that would think they can tell a woman what to do, is obviously very stupid and foolish. Silly men, the world is for WOMEN!

Not that I expect to tell a man what to do, I don't do that sort of thing. I believe everyone should be equal and have their own mind. It's a give-and-take relationship but if you find they are 'giving' too much advice without even considering your side or 'taking' too much of you for granted--it's time to ditch the loser and move on!

Since I am more intelligent that these men, I try to say nothing most of the time. A few times I had to 'correct' someone who was out of line (a despicable man joking about how pretty women are the first to get pregnant, strip clubs, etc.). I know stupidity can't be cured or solved by such means.

Ignorance can be tolerated but not such blind stupidity--such blatant stubborn stupidity. These people are not capable of having an intelligent thought which requires analysis, introspection, empathy and careful consideration.

Truly intelligent people, I've found, are quiet and thoughtful--thinking first before they speak and weighing their words with proper caution so as not to be misunderstood or offensive to others.

Intelligent people in other words, are a lot like me.

My intelligent advice to stupid men is, "Don't open your mouth as much. Listen for once to what women have to say. You might learn something."

To Date or NOT to Date...

Maybe it's the lack of rain that's affecting my brain, making me think it's February already when it's not, but I'm starting to get that horrible feeling again…

The, "I need to find someone to keep me company but can't find anyone in real life, so I guess I'll go online, maybe to OkCupid and look around...".

I need help.

I've been reading horror stories about OkCupid, mostly reading stuff about male stalkers, men pretending to be women to see 'just how bad being a woman really is' and about women making fake profiles to prove 'just how bad being a woman really is'.

I don't know why I bother.

I've been on OkCupid before and met none I wanted to date. I've also been on AOL personals, Yahoo! personals, Match.com and all the other sites you had to pay for (as much as $25 a month!). It turns out, people who pay to have their profiles also put on profiles for the free sites too--go figure. So you're stuck with the same batch of losers.

That's not to say you can't find someone serious on there, but still...

It would be easier I think if I were a woman who's looking for a guy, "for a serious relationship", eventually ending in marriage and children (unless you already have children), etc. But that's not what I want. I just want to date--and believe me, it's way too hard to find a guy just for that.

Maybe it's the status quo: Men have to pay to take women out.

I always go dutch when I go out (unless I happen to have no cash on me and the waitress at the way-too-busy restaurant doesn't split the check). I HATE having a guy pay for me...having a guy PAY FOR ME, yes that's what I said because that's what it is, covert prostitution. Once a guy pays for me, I have to give something in return--either my time, my affection...or uh, sex (which I've never done--yet).

I think there's a lot of pressure for the guys who take women out and if they just want sex, then they're wasting their time--and their money.

It would also be easier if I just wanted sex, no strings attached, sex. But I know I'd feel like shit afterwards. Some women can have sex with a guy and go off the next day feeling fine--I can't do that. I need something more in my life...

I want connection, something in common with someone. I want to get to know them and spend time together, watch movies, cook for them, have them cook for me and all that romantic junk you see in the movies (without the corny soundtrack). I guess in the end... I want love.

OK, now I need to stop. Love isn't for me, it's never worked out. I fall for a guy, it lasts a few months at most then the cowardly guy leaves me (or leaves town and never comes back). I'm sick of it. I don't want love--co-dependency, neediness, putting up with crap and their slovenliness because, "I'm in Love!". Forget love. That's Disney crap.

I've given up on love because I don't believe in it anymore--like Santa or the Tooth Fairy, I've outgrown it.

Maybe instead of looking for a guy to fit my needs and going through all that mess, I should do what other lonely women do--get a pet. Maybe a dog or a cat. But then again, I'm not allowed to have pets at my current apartment (that crappy, unsafe place, where the neighbors drive me nuts with their ridiculous head-board-thumping-against-the-wall, unfeeling, unloving, primitive, rape-like sex).

I'm not sure how I'd feel about taking care of another living being (I have a hard enough time taking care of my own self). But then again, other people get pets and dogs, abuse them, leave them out tied in the backyard in freezing cold weather to die--before they dump them off a road somewhere. So I guess I don't have to worry about being a bad owner.

Trouble is, I do like to travel and I'd feel bad about leaving them for an extended time in a boarding shelter. The way my life is going right now, I'm not sure where I'm going to be in the next two-to-ten years.

I guess what got me thinking about all this was the fact that being a woman, alone in this world, really is hard...

Unless you're rich, have an awesome job with a lot of income (who are we kidding here?), and have some system of support--you're screwed. Women need men to take care of them, that's the ugly truth (unless you're a rich lesbian...who knows?). I was denied a place to live because I was a single, unmarried woman--even though I had a lot of money! I was not on Section 8, but because I wasn't engaged or married, or even had a boyfriend--I wasn't allowed to rent a house for $700 a month and now I pay $690 for a tiny one-bedroom apartment with crappy neighbors--in an unsafe neighborhood where drug-dealers and rapists live.

I'm 30-years-old now and feeling like I'm nearing the end of my life. Call it a mid-life-crisis, but I'm no where near where I want to be in life.

I figured having a significant other to share the burden with would help me some. But I guess that's too much to ask…

In order to fit into this world I'm going to have to lower my expectations--a lot. I'll have to give up my dreams and settle for less, like so many women do after they realize they can't cut it in a world that hates women. Some guy will have a one night stand with me or try to 'knock-me-up' and then leave me to figure out an abortion on my own or give me an STD.

These are the things I think about when I ask myself if I can stand living with a man, who will end up bossing me around--after telling me what books to read and what movies to watch, he'll end up telling me when I can go out and when I can't, he'll tell me to quit my job and have his kids--and then I won't have a life of my own.

So the question is: Do I give up my life to live with a guy, or do I suffer on my own--in a world that hates women, until the money runs out?

I guess I'd rather be single and miserable then be taken--and miserable.

So much for dating…