Maybe it's the lack of rain that's
affecting my brain, making me think it's February already when it's
not, but I'm starting to get that horrible feeling again…
The, "I need to find someone to
keep me company but can't find anyone in real life, so I guess I'll
go online, maybe to OkCupid and look around...".
I need help.
I've been reading horror stories about
OkCupid, mostly reading stuff about male stalkers, men pretending to
be women to see 'just how bad being a woman really is' and about
women making fake profiles to prove 'just how bad being a woman
really is'.
I don't know why I bother.
I've been on OkCupid before and met
none I wanted to date. I've also been on AOL personals, Yahoo!
personals, Match.com and all the other sites you had to pay for (as
much as $25 a month!). It turns out, people who pay to have their
profiles also put on profiles for the free sites too--go figure. So
you're stuck with the same batch of losers.
That's not to say you can't find
someone serious on there, but still...
It would be easier I think if I were a
woman who's looking for a guy, "for a serious relationship",
eventually ending in marriage and children (unless you already have
children), etc. But that's not what I want. I just want to date--and
believe me, it's way too hard to find a guy just for that.
Maybe it's the status quo: Men have to
pay to take women out.
I always go dutch when I go out (unless
I happen to have no cash on me and the waitress at the way-too-busy
restaurant doesn't split the check). I HATE
having a guy pay for me...having a guy PAY FOR ME, yes
that's what I said because that's what it is, covert prostitution.
Once a guy pays for me, I have to give something in return--either my
time, my affection...or uh, sex (which I've never done--yet).
I think there's a lot of pressure for
the guys who take women out and if they just want sex, then they're
wasting their time--and their money.
It would also be easier if I just
wanted sex, no strings attached, sex. But I know I'd feel like shit
afterwards. Some women can have sex with a guy and go off the next
day feeling fine--I can't do that. I need something more in my
life...
I want connection, something in common
with someone. I want to get to know them and spend time together,
watch movies, cook for them, have them cook for me and all that
romantic junk you see in the movies (without the corny soundtrack). I
guess in the end... I want love.
OK, now I need to stop. Love isn't for
me, it's never worked out. I fall for a guy, it lasts a few months at
most then the cowardly guy leaves me (or leaves town and never comes
back). I'm sick of it. I don't want love--co-dependency, neediness,
putting up with crap and their slovenliness because, "I'm in
Love!". Forget love. That's
Disney crap.
I've given up on
love because I don't believe in it anymore--like Santa or the Tooth
Fairy, I've outgrown it.
Maybe instead of
looking for a guy to fit my needs and going through all that mess, I
should do what other lonely women do--get a pet. Maybe a dog or a
cat. But then again, I'm not allowed to have pets at my current
apartment (that crappy, unsafe place, where the neighbors drive me
nuts with their ridiculous head-board-thumping-against-the-wall,
unfeeling, unloving, primitive, rape-like sex).
I'm not sure how
I'd feel about taking care of another living being (I have a hard
enough time taking care of my own self). But then again, other people
get pets and dogs, abuse them, leave them out tied in the backyard in
freezing cold weather to die--before they dump them off a road
somewhere. So I guess I don't have to worry about being a bad owner.
Trouble is, I do
like to travel and I'd feel bad about leaving them for an extended
time in a boarding shelter. The way my life is going right now, I'm
not sure where I'm going to be in the next two-to-ten years.
I
guess what got me thinking about all this was the fact that being a
woman, alone in this world, really is
hard...
Unless you're rich,
have an awesome job with a lot of income (who are we kidding here?),
and have some system of support--you're screwed. Women need men to
take care of them, that's the ugly truth (unless you're a rich
lesbian...who knows?). I was denied a place to live because I was a
single, unmarried woman--even though I had a lot of money! I was not
on Section 8, but because I wasn't engaged or married, or even had a
boyfriend--I wasn't allowed to rent a house for $700 a month and now
I pay $690 for a tiny one-bedroom apartment with crappy neighbors--in
an unsafe neighborhood where drug-dealers and rapists live.
I'm 30-years-old
now and feeling like I'm nearing the end of my life. Call it a
mid-life-crisis, but I'm no where near where I want to be in life.
I figured having a
significant other to share the burden with would help me some. But I
guess that's too much to ask…
In order to fit
into this world I'm going to have to lower my expectations--a lot.
I'll have to give up my dreams and settle for less, like so many
women do after they realize they can't cut it in a world that hates
women. Some guy will have a one night stand with me or try to
'knock-me-up' and then leave me to figure out an abortion on my own
or give me an STD.
These are the
things I think about when I ask myself if I can stand living with a
man, who will end up bossing me around--after telling me what books
to read and what movies to watch, he'll end up telling me when I can
go out and when I can't, he'll tell me to quit my job and have his
kids--and then I won't have a life of my own.
So the question is:
Do I give up my life to live with a guy, or do I suffer on my own--in
a world that hates women, until the money runs out?
I guess I'd rather
be single and miserable then be taken--and miserable.
So much for
dating…
