Why Suicide Is Illegal

AKA, Why we can't talk about suicide.

I recently had someone report one of my posts on Facebook because I mentioned I was depressed and wanted to kill myself. Sounds like the right thing to do, right? WRONG.

In case you missed what I posted here earlier, feel free to wade through the Google crap blogger on here and find the article where I wrote about my horrendous experience with the mental health system.

Since I have now been reported and Google and Facebook is now watching my every move, I may have been reported to the authorities that I'm suicidal and have to wait for the cops on my doorstep to take me away and lock me up forever--thus negating any free-will or life that I could've had. Sounds like death doesn't it?

Let me tell you--it's okay to feel depressed. It's okay to feel bad. I would consider it abnormal to not feel bad in this society. If society is blaming you for feeling depressed and bad, chances are, society is abusing you. Abusers tend to blame the victims of their abuse quite often.

Is suicide bad? Sure it is. I'm not going to say it's good. Sure, the pain will end and so will your life. That's it. That's all folks! That's all suicide does. Suicide does not help you find other options (even if you have to suffer some years to find it), suicide doesn't help extend your life (as miserable as it may be), suicide also hides the problem of...Society!

See if we all killed ourselves, we can't address the problem of society--which is the core of why we're sick. Society wants to bury our problems in: pills, useless doctors, drinking, drugs, hypocrisy and other lies. If we kill ourselves, society will keep on doing this to people and will continue to abuse us victims and blame the problems on us.

Common things Society tells us: If you're not happy you're a bad person. If you're depressed it's your fault. What is wrong with you? You're sick. You're not one of us. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

That alone is enough to make a lot of us feel bad and hopeless and depressed.

Is it up to you to change society? Maybe not. That's a lot to ask when you're already feeling like shit.

But think of yourself as a witness. The more you live, the more you see and if what you're seeing is bad--then it's pretty plain where the problems are. It's not you--it's them. You're the victim they're the abuser.

Now if you're always seeing bad stuff...that's a problem. You gotta see the good in things too. If you're always depressed...then yeah, that really sucks. I can't offer any cures or remedies. I don't have the answers. I'm not posting any stupid suicide hotline numbers or doctors etc. You can find help yourself. That's right. You have free-will. It's up to you--not doctors, cops, pills or whatever. You.

I gotta enough shit to deal with. I can't offer advice, sorry. What I can offer is true insight and REAL DISCUSSION about depression and suicide without the bullshit mumbo jumbo. We've all heard it--you need to try harder, get help, get help, get help--it's been hammered into us enough times that I don't need to repeat it.

If we don't talk about the abuse, it won't be recognized. The abuse will continue. If we all talk though, then we can share solutions or at least how we get through work all day every day for no reason than to pay our rent so we don't become homeless on the street. Cuz there's nothing worse than dealing with depression and suicide than when you're homeless and that's when people really won't help you--then they tell you you're better off dead.

You have a right to live. You're better than this. It's okay to feel bad. You're not alone.

Let's talk about it.

#suicide #depression #lifesucks #iwanttokillmyself #googlethisshit

Suicide

Suicide.

Look it up on Google and you'll get the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (that's Lifeline not hotline). I don't know if it works or not since I didn't bother calling it.

There will be a list of links, telling you what to do if you or someone you know is "in danger of killing or harming themselves" and most likely those sites will tell you to dial 9-1-1 or seek a medical professional immediately, in which case, say goodbye to your life, you'll be locked up and stigmatized forever.

Try looking up Suicide Groups and you'll find help for survivors of suicide, or rather family and friends left behind from those who've committed suicide, since it's now too late to help those who are dead. I'm guessing those who are dead now didn't bother to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or 9-1-1 or seek professional medical help so they could get locked up.

I tried looking up a suicide group in my area but was very disappointed. Most links are out of date or based out of the U.S.. Other places offer suicide groups conveniently located right inside a medical facility, in case a person in those support groups loses their shit, they can easily transport them and lock them up, no problem.

So I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that a lot of people will tell you, "Get Help!" but they won't help you (at least they don't want to do it), and those that claim they want to help you end up harming you in the long run: after they've locked you up, deemed you unfit for society, put it on your permanent record that you're a danger to society, labeled you with all kinds of stupid psychological mumbo jumbo from their DSM whatever version is available, then put you deep into debt with hospital bills, endless psychological tests, etc., and if you ever manage to recover from that without losing your marbles and live A NORMAL LIFE!... well, I guess you weren't that suicidal to begin with.

The people that really need help don't get it and when they try, it's useless. By that time it's too late. The damage is done. All that's left is those suicide support groups for the families... those too self-absorbed or oblivious to understand why their family member killed themselves.

Yeah, I had a really shitty day today, caused by other people who shouldn’t have treated me like shit. All I wanted to do was perform normal daily routines of living: go to the bank, get some books from the library. That was it. Was I allowed to do this? No.

I went to the bank, was denied entry by some witless security guard who mumbled something at me, claiming the bank was closed for some reason when it was not (Bank of America will lose my money now). I left, absolutely perturbed and disgruntled at the stupid bank which refused my $80 I was going to deposit there.

Next I went to the library, and when I told them I didn't have a library card there 'cause I just moved they treated me like I was some foreign terrorist out to rob them of all their books. They demanded my address be properly labeled on my driver's license (which is from another city, where I used to live) and another form of I.D., preferably a utility bill, proving that I can pay my bills. WHAT THE HELL?! I walked out and said I was going to Barnes & Noble instead. I can see why our libraries are failing.

On my way to Barnes & Noble I got into an accident. I fear my car is totaled. Now I have no transportation, no way to get to work or school without using public transportation (which employers will use against you to NOT HIRE YOU). So, in one day I've lost most of my life already. Yeah, it was a pretty shitty day and it's getting worse along the way.

You think I'm going to bother to call some bullshit number and listen to some college dipshit pretend to care about me and my problems? I don't think so. I'm not going to any hospital or care facility either.

So much for getting help.

Why I’ll never ask for “Help” ever again...

I just wanted to post something and get this off my back.

I’ve been through a lot (which is why I haven’t posted) but I feel this is important enough to post. This account is meant to be objective, and does not truly describe all the horror I had to endure and the resulting trauma it produced in me.

***

I had been through something terrible a couple of months ago…

Due to harassment from a terrible roommate who tricked me into signing a lease with a bad property management company who in turn harassed me, I was driven to a state of panic and severe depression.

I was facing homelessness because of them and was forced into a bad situation with the roommate and property manager where they tried to charge me over $7,000 in a scam. The roommate and property management company continued to harass me and my family for money. I was advised against seeking legal help by the property management company and had no attorney to protect me.

Because I couldn’t get the help I needed at the time, I had resorted to an act of desperation which put my physical and mental health in jeopardy. I did not have a good support system of people to help me through my personal crisis, along with an unresponsive and uncaring legal and police system and due to the harassment I was going through, I felt there was no way out but the alternative…

I had done harm to myself and was shortly admitted thereafter.

However, my experience with the mental health system and its efforts to rob myself and everyone who goes into it of their money and dignity has taught me to never ask for help again.

Due to the laws now, if a person states that they’re feeling “suicidal” they must be reported and therefore treated as criminals, put into a system in which they have no control and helpless to stop any abuse or mistreatment upon their person.

I had entered into the mental health system with the belief that I would receive the help I so desperately needed. However, this did not happen, I did not receive proper care or guidance and was threatened against my will to submit to a system that was meant to entrap me and rob me of any free-will or human rights.

After my incident in which I attempted to endanger myself, I voluntarily checked into a county behavioral health center for observation to state that I "was not going to harm myself or others". It was a dismal place full of bureaucracy, needless forms to be filled out and no trained staff, only 'orderlies' who are charged with admitting you, going through your bags and filing paperwork.

I had to stay the night, sleep in a bed that resembled a prisoner's bed, with no extra clothes or even a toothbrush. There was no one to talk to either. I had to ask one of the orderlies if there was a therapist I could talk to. When someone finally came to 'check-up' on me, I was informed that this person was not a therapist and that they couldn't really help me.

The next morning, I felt a panic attack again but there was no one for me to talk to. I was not given any medication and had barely eaten the previous evening (due to my Celiac disease). I tried to write down on a piece of paper how I felt but when I approached the desk, no one paid any attention to me. I left the paper on the desk with no one acknowledging me. Later, a very rude nurse barged into my room asking me, "What's your problem?". I didn't respond to her rude inquiry and instead left the building at which point I was locked out and could not get back in.

This did not reassure me that I would get help.

A few days later, at the urging of a family member, I returned to the behavioral health center and had to recount exactly why I was "depressed" and "panicked". When I was asked if I felt "suicidal", I answered truthfully at the time, that yes, I was overwhelmed due to the harassment I suffered and depression that resulted after.

At that point, the woman in charge threatened me with a 5150 (forced hospitalization, usually reserved for very violent offenders and patients). She threatened to send me to Sacramento, away from my family or anything I knew.

I said I didn't want a 5150 and asked if there were any alternatives.

She told me I had to admit myself to a local facility and started telling my family member that it was the only chance for me. She stopped talking to me after that and treated me like an idiot who couldn't make any decisions for myself.

I had to sign a bunch of papers that I didn't have a chance to read and quickly make arrangements to go into the hospital immediately or else I would be forced with a 5150. I had to sign all my arrangements to the family member, including financial arrangements and basically my whole life that I had controlled up to that point.

I am not familiar with this mental health system, I did not understand why they could order a 5150 on me because I was suffering from panic attacks. All I needed was a therapist and possibly some xanax. I was not provided with any alternatives besides the threat of a 5150.

I was later admitted to the hospital.

No one told me what to expect. I was only told by the county behavioral health woman that this would be the quickest way to diagnosis of my "condition". I had never been hospitalized in my entire life before this and had never experienced suicidal thoughts or self-harm before. I was never on any medications for mental health or emotional health. I did not think I needed to be in the hospital that long.

It turned out they would force me, against my will, to stay there an entire week.

I was assigned to a doctor who immediately put me on an anti-psychotic (which they give to everyone admitted regardless of their mental health history or current state of mind). I was told this was voluntary, that I could refuse this medication. However, when I later tried to refuse it, they told me I would be forced with a 5150 if I did not comply.

The doctor who was assigned to me would continue to tell me to take multiple medications that I had never heard of, other anti-psychotic drugs that I didn't need and tranquilizers that were unnecessary. He was not a psychologist but a psychiatrist, a person who often prescribes medication without knowing anything about a patient's therapy needs. I was never given a therapist, psychologist, or even a counselor.

Numerous social workers were in charge of "helping" me or rather, they dealt with my case. However, they did not talk with the doctor and most of the time didn't know what was going on between the doctor and the nurses in the facility. Every time I asked, "When am I getting out of here?" They didn't know anything. When I asked them, "What did the doctor say?" They had no idea.

The nurses themselves were equally clueless and often times had conflicting information between what the doctor ordered and what was on their computer screen. Most of the nurses had just come out of junior college and were in no way properly trained to handle anyone who would be regarded "mentally ill" or "dangerous". They would gossip in their offices within earshot of the patients and didn't care about their jobs much. In a hospital system that barely pays above minimum wage, many of them were over-worked and underpaid.

The only good thing I could say about this particular hospital was that they had good food, provided for my dietary needs and had many activities that were guided by other healthcare personnel. Unfortunately, many of the "classes" and sessions we were required to go to were canceled because not enough people went to them, so I was not able to join these until later.

As for my rights, many were violated. When I signed a paper admitting myself to the hospital I remember checking a box saying I didn't want to be photographed. But later a nurse took my picture, telling me that all the patients had to be photographed. They paid no attention to the forms.

I was not allowed visitors except the one family member and due to the Privacy Act laws, none of my friends or other family members were told I was in the hospital or could contact me. I learned later, one of my other friends tried to get me out of the hospital but were denied any access because of this mis-used law.

I wasn't even allowed to receive phone calls. What happened was this: we were allowed phones to call during certain times but when a call came through, no one answered it. Not the nurses, no one. If someone called and asked to see Miss Jane Doe, the nurses wouldn't tell them anything unless that caller had a specific number ID to contact the patient with. So many patients weren't getting calls from loved ones that they should have gotten.

I was never told when I would get out of the hospital. Due to the severity of my panic and the resulting mis-treatment I suffered in the facility, I stopped talking. I would not respond. The county behavioral health people were called and made matters worse by threatening to 5150 me again. They were dead set on shutting me up in a facility away from my family where I had no control. Some of the nurses were against this, knowing that I was not violent and that I wanted treatment, I wanted help. But I came very close to being shut up, permanently, forever with no way out. Not even my family member knew how to prevent this from happening. Eventually, the 5150 order was rescinded but it was still on their logs that it had been ordered.

I knew then that I was not going to get the help I needed and that I had been tricked by one of the county workers, into taking my medication and doing whatever "had to be done" in order to get help. I never got the help I needed. Things got worse.

The doctor kept prescribing more pills I didn't want to take. I suffered side effects from the pills. The nurses were disrespectful. On top of that more patients were brought in, almost overloading the staff. I could sense trouble ahead. I was told by the doctor to just "stick it out". He never told me when I would leave.

Because of the resulting outburst I had, when I hadn't responded, it gave the doctor an excuse to keep me. That and my insurance was footing the bill. The doctor would get paid no matter what while I had to suffer and stay in there for an unknown length of time.

After a week, I told my family member to get me out and that nothing more could be done for me. I was already taking the meds, I had gone to all the classes and done what they told me to. But in the end, they wouldn't let me leave.

Several patients who had been admitted the same time I was, had already been sent home. Besides another patient, I was the only one still there. I could not figure out why they were keeping me. I was starting to get upset and angry. No one was telling me anything. I wrote my name on a board in order to speak with a social worker to figure out what was going on. Nobody came to talk to me.

I got upset and tried to escape out of the hospital. They threatened to restrain me and 5150 me. My family member came, only to be talked out of taking me home by the doctor. I was too upset to talk with my family member. I knew I wasn't going to get out. All they cared about was that the damn door didn't have a camera and that had allowed me to get close to the door in order to escape. No one cared about me.

My family member was told to go home and leave me in the hospital. Now I was livid. I called my other relative and told them all that had happened but I didn't want them driving up because of their precarious health. I called another friend who had tried to help me but they couldn't do anything because they weren't on my Privacy Act list of contacts.

Finally, when the nurses came around to speak to me and said I was going to be in a 5150 hospital I threatened to call an attorney. I had the phone book open on my lap and attempted to dial a number. I started dialing the number when the nurse finally got the discharge papers and let me leave. It turned out the doctor had signed the papers but for some reason wouldn't let me leave.

My family member had to be called back to pick me up but I was so livid, I didn't trust them. After what I had been through, I wouldn't trust anyone ever again.

There was absolutely no reason for me to go through what I did. I was thrown into a system of incompetence and extreme paranoia on the doctor's part. They had degraded me, insulted my intelligence and forced me to comply with their idiotic prescriptions.

In that hospital I had been treated like an imbecile, not allowed to even floss my teeth, forced to wear a prisoner's smock with 24 hour video monitoring in my room, hallways and outside. I was never allowed to leave the building. At night, I was awoken every hour with a flashlight beaming into my face to check that I was still there and not trying to kill myself. I accidentally set off the alarms by raising my hand up to check to see if the air conditioner was on in my room because it was too damn cold. The bathrooms were dirty because the other patients didn't care about cleanliness and they put up stupid signs telling us to clean up after ourselves which turned out to be ridiculous.

Never was I on drugs, been violent, involved in dangerous incidents or dangerous behavior toward others, or committed any crime that would have justified this treatment.

I was lied to, cheated of my money and human rights while they had absolutely no respect for myself or others who were forced to admit themselves. The "Complaint forms" I was given were absolutely useless considering it will be tossed into some file drawer never to be seen again or dismissed because you're mentally ill, nobody will believe you.

Considering that mental health accounts for major unemployment, homelessness and legal problems in that county one would think that the people involved in this system and in charge of treatment would know better but they do not. All they care about is money.

I was charged over $32,000 for my stay at the hospital and that's not including the medical treatment, psychiatric treatment, lab tests from blood draws and other charges. I'm still receiving bills from the hospital and have yet to receive a bill from the county hospital for their charges. Luckily, I have insurance but I still have many thousands to pay out-of-pocket.

I will never again allow myself to be sucked into this system which only uses people and does not hold any hope of cure or treatment for these individuals seeking the only care they may have in their whole lives.

The stigma that surrounds the mentally ill will never go away and to put oneself at risk for this label is a lifelong debilitating curse. I will forever be on the books as "hospitalized" and forever be known that I was "off my meds" because I refused to be put on an anti-psychotic drug that should never have been given to me in the first place.

Due to these risks, I've had to consider whether or not to publish what I had been through. I may risk unemployment, discrimination, further harassment and judgement from people in this society but I think that suffering in silence is worse. I never thought I would suffer what I did from the bad people who put me through living hell and I never thought I would ask for help only to be thrown into a hospital system that sought to keep me there permanently.

I caution anyone else who's going through a similar crisis, and to tell them to avoid getting any medical help in this system. I felt I had no alternative because at the time few of my friends wanted to get involved in my problems, no family member was close enough to help me or understand what I was going through and I was in such a panicked state that I couldn't think straight. I suffered more because I was alone and had no support system.

This is the advice I offer:

• Don't say you're "suicidal". If anyone presses the subject, get an attorney, and avoid getting a 5150 at any cost.
• Make plans: Know who to trust if you are hospitalized and make sure they know what to do, and get an attorney who is a mental health advocate. If you're hospitalized, you'll have no access to your financial records, state of affairs or anything.
• Get an Advocate. Make sure this person is someone you can trust because they'll be in charge of your affairs. No one can give you an Advocate (as I found out unfortunately). This will be someone you've known for many years.
• Seek alternatives: Personal therapists, healers, support, etc. There are alternatives to hospitalization, just remember these people by law are required to report "suicidal" thoughts, so don't tell them you're "suicidal" just explain what you're going through and how they can help.

Also: don't call the suicide hotlines, they don't work. Sorry folks, but these are the least trained individuals and I've had bad experiences both times.

Join a group therapy session but make sure it's independent from any mental health hospital to protect you from being "recruited" into their hospital. Some religious organizations offer therapy groups, including non-denominational ones. Peer support groups are good, where those who've "been there" can share their own experiences.

Some colleges and schools offer therapy groups with confidentiality (remember the "suicide" report law is still in effect with all therapy groups). Local meetings may be listed in the community newspaper or online calendar. Word of mouth from friends and family members can also be helpful and it's how I heard of local groups in my area.

Other advice to know:

• You won't get help. Be prepared for the worst case scenario, many people aren't prepared or equipped to help you through a crisis. If this happens, YOU have to know what to do to HELP YOURSELF. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have made the choice to go through what I did. Information is power and get all the free legal help you can before resorting to a paid attorney.
• Above all: Stay Calm. I know this sounds crazy, but if you're upset and the people against you are not, they'll win. Keep Calm, get an attorney and know the law.

I wish I had known more resources I could've gone to and used but I wasn't provided many choices. There were a couple of free legal help centers and low-cost attorneys for certain situations, but that's all. The county and city services may be different, so make sure you know the laws and rights for each one.

Knowing the laws concerning mental health is critical to protecting yourself and possibly your loved ones should your rights be violated. The National Alliance on Mental Illness offers a Legal Support and Resources link with information.

www.nami.org National Alliance on Mental Illness

NAMI advocates for access to services, treatment, supports and research and is steadfast in its commitment to raise awareness and build a community for hope for all of those in need.