How NOT to Write a Dating Profile

With Valentine's Day coming up I thought it would be prudent to put some advice up about what NOT to do on your profile for those dating sites such as: OKCupid, Match.com, eHarmony and even Craig's List.

(For the sake of writing and explaining I will use terms like Men & Women but I mean to be inclusive of all genders, Transpeople, etc.)

Sorry for the gender bias pic here...

The biggest pet peeve I have and most of what I've seen is men posing with pictures of their children or worse yet, pictures of other people's children. Don't do this, it makes you look like a pedophile and the fact that you exploit children to get a date is wrong.

(I wouldn’t post an underage child pic, but yeah, you get the idea…)

Same advice here for women. Don't pose with your kids or someone else's otherwise you'll attract pedophiles.

With that being said, unless you’re on an adult sex site, don’t post pics of your privates either--it’s just gross (that goes for men and women and whoever else). 

Pictures of you and your bros chugging beer in a bar (or beach binge) is the reason why women don't go to bars to date, so do you really want to post that pic for everyone to see (including your boss)? Unless you want to date a barfly, don't post a bar crawl pic. 

I'm ambivalent about women posing with their friends in bars, mostly because I don't drink. It may show that you're having a good time but it also sends the message that you hang out a lot in bars, so be aware of that.

No weapons--ever! I've seen so many "military" pics of men with their guns and knives or hunting pics with big, scary weapons around them. All that says to me is, "Stay away from this guy, he'll kill you.” 

Same thing with women, it's not something you want to post for everyone to see, "Oh, gee, that explains her road-rage--she's got an aggressive streak in her.”

Pets are okay, just make sure they're yours (and make sure your landlord doesn't see this pic). If they're outdated pictures of a pet you used to have, it's really awkward to ask, "Is that your dog?" and have a reply like, "Oh no, it died some years ago…".

That brings me to the point of: no outdated pictures. Seriously, you may have looked great ten years ago in high school but now you need to face reality and those who are dating you don't want to meet someone totally different from the picture you posted. Be honest!

Is this from the 1970’s?

Oh yeah, no sunglasses pictures please. I want to see what you look like, not what brand of eyeshades you wear. It also creates a wall for the person looking at your picture and they will most likely skip it (like I've done for the tenth time).

No to Bathroom pics. I don't want to see your bathroom, your dirty clothes and the lousy pic you took with a phone while you were half naked. I. really. don't. want. to. see. that. (Same thing for women, and yes, I've seen those bar bathroom pics online *shudders*).

No Girlfriend/Boyfriend pics--seriously! Unless you're into Polyamory (look it up), don't post pics of your significant other, or worse yet, 'black-out' pics of you and your significant other. It's just really stupid and shows others looking at your profile that the blacked-out image could be them next time.

Also, I hate to have to put this here but no pics of someone else that isn't you. It seems kind of obvious but a lot of people try to pass themselves off as Brad Pitt or this guy... (saw this on Craig's List).

For profile pictures--if in doubt, ask a friend to take your picture or pretend you're a tourist in town and ask a stranger. Odds are you'll get a better pic than if you took it yourself.

You are what you write...

For those of us who don't look like supermodels, there's still a chance to make yourself stand out. The secret is to write as much as you can in your profile that's honest, insightful and isn't total bull-crap.

Don’t write stuff like this:

"I am a white male in my late 30's. I am tall, dark and handsome."

"Hey, sitting home getting baked on my own. I would love some company. Come join me and we can watch a movie on TV or just chat and have a drink and then have some awesome stoner sex! Please be cute, under 40 and HWP [height/weight/proportional--not fat]. I'll send my pic in reply to yours! … I'm clean and have had a vasectomy."

"I like puppies" doesn't really say much except that you're barking up the wrong tree. Try, "I like animals but haven't been able to have them because of my allergies", it's honest and lets others know so they don't have to ask, "Do you have pets?".

Be honest about yourself but don't put yourself or others down. "I hate politics and politicians" doesn't sound intelligent, it just sounds like you don't participate in group activities. Say instead, "I'm not political, I don't watch TV, so I don't watch the news but I listen to NPR and the occasional lecture." See? Your IQ just went up 50 points.

Long term dating or one-night-stand?

Let's be honest here folks, it will save a lot of time and wasted effort for both parties if you just state that you're looking for a one-night-stand. Putting: One-night-stand/Long-term/Short-term/Friends on your page is misleading and also means you: 1) Can't make up your mind 2)Are too desperate to bother with 3)You're really confused and hoping one might lead to another which probably won’t happen.

Which brings us to screen names, swearing, bad grammar and such in your profile. Avoid this at all costs! If your profile name is: BigDick2014, GimmeSugar14, Handjob4You, etc. don't bother. 

Plse dnt txt n yur pfle. <--- get the picture? 

No swearing, it lowers your IQ and makes everybody ignore you. Use spell check and re-read your profile to avoid major pitfalls like: Your, You're, There, Their, They're, etc.

Avoid any derogatory comments or slang like: "I'm looking to get with a bitch and hang out", "We jus' hangin' wit' our n*ggers, yo!", "Looking for a my girl... my woman... " etc.

I just thought for those who bother putting themselves out there in the world for the general public to look at and possibly date, this would be good advice to follow. We'll see if anyone will actually follow it.

Sunset Stroll, anyone?

Personally I also wonder about those in-between times after Valentine's Day, what happens to these people who don't find dates? I've seen profiles online that have been on there for years--and yes, they're still looking. 

I may write a follow-up story as to why they're still single: Too picky? Not picky enough? Bad dates? Bad luck? They didn't read this advice on how to write their profiles?

I hope to solve this mystery.

Thanks for reading! Good Luck finding Love!

Stupid men shouldn't tell Women what to do...

You'd be amazed how many men come up to me, total strangers, and start bossing me around. First they tell me to, "Smile!", when all I want to do is kick them in the face and knock their rotten teeth out. Men I don't know, think they know more than I do and offer 'advice' that ends up being totally stupid. I just nod, because if I told them so, they wouldn't believe me--still offering their stupid 'advice'.

Some men I do know (unfortunately) also boss me around and try to tell me what to do. I knew one older guy who told me to read a book. It ended up being Siddhartha and here he was spouting a bunch of nonsense about how inspirational it all was, saying, "Once you read it, you'll realize what it's all about". I had to interrupt his long spiel (when I had a chance to get a word in) and say, "I read it in high school, but thanks anyway". Or worse yet, they say to me, "I don't know if this book is your thing, it might be too cerebral for you..." Um no, dumb-ass, I've already read Einstein and found it hilarious that he thinks the universe has no end (or was that Hawking?).

I read a lot and any man who thinks he knows more than I do, just because he's read a bunch of books by dumb-ass men, really doesn't know diddly-squat. The funny thing is, whenever I ask these men what books they've read by women--they become speechless! They don't freaking know! Or they'll say something stupid like: "Oh, you mean something like Fifty Shades of Grey?". This is the point where I just shake my head and start ignoring them.

The unfortunate truth is, these men think they are smart! They don't even know how idiotic they are. These men start talking philosophy, quoting old dead men but when they're asked about real life, all they can do is regurgitate the same quote, over and over.

And their view of women is even worse...

The same, supposedly intelligent men, think women should stay at home and have their babies. That's it! Women are not capable of enlightenment. "Oh you don't need to worry your pretty little head about that, just stay home and have the babies!" They say. Forget about women's rights or anyone else's rights for that matter--they don't believe stupid people should have the right to vote. I've often heard them say, "Well if they're not interested in politics, they shouldn't vote." Never mind how insane politics are in general and that your vote doesn't count (unless you're a lobbyist).

I've heard nasty stories from these elitists about how they think stupid people shouldn't breed (uh, according to you, aren't women the stupid people? Should we not breed?). How society should be controlled by the intelligent elite and that stupid people are cattle to be herded around blindly.

To me, it sounds a lot like what Hitler was saying about the Jews... Oh yeah! These supposedly intelligent people also put Hitler on a pedestal for some strange twisted reason I can't comprehend. They've all read Mein Kampf as if it were some bible to follow. Disgusting!

Basically, any man that would think they can tell a woman what to do, is obviously very stupid and foolish. Silly men, the world is for WOMEN!

Not that I expect to tell a man what to do, I don't do that sort of thing. I believe everyone should be equal and have their own mind. It's a give-and-take relationship but if you find they are 'giving' too much advice without even considering your side or 'taking' too much of you for granted--it's time to ditch the loser and move on!

Since I am more intelligent that these men, I try to say nothing most of the time. A few times I had to 'correct' someone who was out of line (a despicable man joking about how pretty women are the first to get pregnant, strip clubs, etc.). I know stupidity can't be cured or solved by such means.

Ignorance can be tolerated but not such blind stupidity--such blatant stubborn stupidity. These people are not capable of having an intelligent thought which requires analysis, introspection, empathy and careful consideration.

Truly intelligent people, I've found, are quiet and thoughtful--thinking first before they speak and weighing their words with proper caution so as not to be misunderstood or offensive to others.

Intelligent people in other words, are a lot like me.

My intelligent advice to stupid men is, "Don't open your mouth as much. Listen for once to what women have to say. You might learn something."