Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts

Thursday, November 14, 2019

Everyday Stories



I see stories everyday but I don't have time to write them all down. It seems like I don't have enough time or strength to do anything...

Every day, I see stories.

Today, I saw two military recruiters in the BART station at Powell. I've never seen them there before and it's the spot that musicians usually take when they're performing (and busking). I wonder why the military is tabling at a BART station. It seems bad, like they're desperate for people to join. If we have more wars, more people will be needed to fight them. We don't need a draft in the US, because we already have an economic draft. People are desperate for jobs.

Every day, I see people.

Whose story do I want to tell? Do I have the right to tell someone else's story? I used to interview people for their stories. Now I don't get to talk to anyone. It's not my job to be interested anymore. I'm still curious though...

I have a lot of guilt. When I see homeless people, usually people of color, I feel guilty. I don't want to focus on the guilt. I want to focus on the people. It's hard to look at people sometimes. Mostly I just keep to myself. I don't want to get involved. I don't have strength to get involved. I have my own problems and like most people, I'm too consumed by my own troubles to care. I feel heartless. I feel cynical and jaded. I'm becoming what I hate. But this wasn't supposed to be about me. This was supposed to be a story about other people.

Every day, I'm tired.

No matter how much sleep I get, I'm always exhausted in the morning. Yeah, losing a job sucks and it really wrecks havoc on your daily routine. I have more time to write but I don't feel like writing. There's so much I have to do... How can I be so busy when I'm not working? I post to Facebook sometimes. I need to get off Facebook. My friends are on Facebook and they post a lot of stuff. I don't get to read it all because Facebook messes with algorithms. I think Facebook is a waste of time. Doesn't anyone talk on the phone or in person anymore?

Sometimes I lose a lot of weight. I always feel like I'm dragging my body along, even after I lose a few pounds. I shouldn't be losing weight. I feel like crap. I feel like I'm hungry from Celiac and tired and worn out... I feel like a dried up husk of a person and that pretty soon the rest of me will give up. It explains my depression.

Every day, I'm stressed.

Stress is bad. Everyone knows this, yet we don't do anything to stop it. Work causes stress. People cause stress. My living situation causes me stress. I don't have room for a proper bed, it's always noisy, I'm uncomfortable when I sleep and I never feel at home in my ten by ten foot room. I feel like crying at times. Sometimes I do cry. It doesn't help much. I feel drained. I feel like the world is a vampire. I just want to get away from people, be out in nature and sleep forever. I shouldn't feel like this.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Blogging Through Google Voice

I am the Ghost in the Machine


Thursday September 17th, 2015

I no longer have time to write, any spare moment is spent sleeping or eating. I barely have time for laundry (I should do that now) or grocery shopping. Not having a car makes things much more difficult because I have to take the bus (unless the bus leaves me stranded as if often does), to do my chores.

Not having time means I have no time to write. Trying to jot down notes while the bus is shaking itself through potholes, dodging pedestrians and tour buses, is not a good way to write. 

Therefore, I have gone to a new low: Google Voice.

No, it is not terribly accurate but it's scarily close enough to pass as my words. So, in the best interest of getting my words out to the world (what other proof do I have that I exist?), I will post this way.

Here goes...

Nighttime
4 messages


Mon, Sep 7, 2015 at 10:18 PM

To: E


Some people search for God I searched instead for demon.
The demon inside a demon within.
For what [will] I find lurking around the corner would I see myself?


M Fri, Sep 11, 2015 at 11:06 PM

To: E


After the sweltering heat the chill returned to San Francisco burying the buildings in mist.


MFri, Sep 11, 2015 at 11:26 PM

To: E


A man walked over to the corner where the homeless man slept on the ground he placed the rum and coke [down] then walked back to his girlfriend and made a reply some sort of excuse I didn't hear walking down Folsom Street on a Friday night.


Mon, Sep 14, 2015 at 5:25 PM

To: E


The miserable day today in San Francisco and actually rain today I was at work when I saw it on the [pier] very visible the sky is gray and the water is gray. 

Relying on Google to transcribe my words because I don't have time to write them down as I walk along the sidewalk here very very busy no time for anything else.

I don't read the news or the newspaper so I have no idea what's going on in the world I'm very much secluded here by myself [and] lonely I [wish I] had more time to write but what would I write about I have no idea. 

[It's] enough for me just to get through the day without collapsing or having a panic attack or just suffering from severe depression is all I can do [ ] and try to survive. 

I work haphazardly on a musical that I wish I had more time for all I can do is scribble a few notes down and hope I can get it together later. 

This is the first winter alone by myself especially in San Francisco I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with the miserable weather on my own suffice it to say will be very depressing. 

I am filled with melancholy thoughts as I try to get this down rushing by people people people people peace and quiet is a luxury in the city for poor people it's non existent. 

I must have some sort of proof that I exist or I will go insane. I must put my words down somehow anyway I can if only through email. 

M Mon, Sep 14, 2015 at 11:36 AM

To: E


7 GGG 111
A car that almost ran me over while I was crossing the street in the designated crosswalk on the green light.
I am not in the mood to get run over by a car today everyone is setting me up and trying to ruin my life but I'm not going to let them. 


Fri, Sep 4, 2015 at 1:48 PM

To: E


It seems that I have given up the luxury of writing and must now transcribe my words on to Google Voice and the phone in an attempt to try to get my writing down via voice. 

Surprisingly this method is quite accurate and it scares me how much Google knows my own voice to form the words as quickly as I can speak them. 

This manner of narration is quite intrusive but I don't really care seeing as how my thoughts need to be expressed whether they have an audience or not.

Of course at any moment googlemail fucks up my words and completely ruins my whole entire paragraph [thus] leaving me completely helpless resorting to the old fashioned method of paper and pen. 

However in the city finding time for the luxury of writing seems to be sparse as well as finding a place to sit without being harassed by anyone or finding any personal space in particular for that matter. 

I am aware of the danger of posting my voice to Google and [having] Google control my voice as well as claiming it as its own property including the text and messages [ ] for its own [use and] copyright [thus] rendering my words completely useless to me. 

Alas this is the future of technology and nothing you say or do is safe and these times God help us all.





Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Why Do I Write?

As a writer, this is a very important question for me. 


I have to keep asking myself this when I don’t feel like writing. Worst thing is, I have to keep answering this when everyone else keeps asking me, “Why do you write when you don’t get any money?” “What’s the point of writing if you don’t do anything with it?” 

I’m still coming up with excuses but I already know why I write. For many reasons…


  • I write to express myself.
On days like these when I don’t feel like doing anything else, when I feel like life is pointless, I write to express these feelings that if voiced aloud would get me locked up in the nuthouse.

  • I write to get out of the apartment
Writing in front of a computer is boring, not to mention all the distractions of: Facebook, YouTube, Webtoon (my new addiction to online Korean comics), etc.

Social interaction is nice, even if it’s just an exchange of, “I’ll have a double espresso and a gluten-free muffin, please.” “$6.50.” “Thank you.” Now finding a good café to write in is another challenge…

  • I write to capture the moment
Somehow pictures don’t do it for me. I always forget the date of when I took it, where I took it and why. Writing memories down ensures I can get “the bigger picture” of events. 

  • I write for personal reflection (yes, this is different from expression)
I observe people through the lens of my perception, which can be very dark and depressing. Other times, I try to understand why people live their lives the way they do. How do they get though their day (especially without drugs, alcohol or pot)? What makes them different from me? What makes me different from them? Also, because I’m curious and writing about others helps me understand them more.

  • I write to imagine…
What if? The greatest question ever! I like to imagine different scenarios about me, life and other people. “What if that guy was a secret agent?” “What if I only had one day to live?” “What if I could live forever?” Though that last question is the most depressing. 

Making up stories and daydreaming is the best part of my day. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live life without any imagination.

  • I write to learn
When I’m doing big research papers for school (40 pages in length at times), I learn a lot from what I’ve researched and then written about. My research in poverty gave me a bigger perspective and cemented my claim that poverty is unacceptable in this country. I miss doing research. I hardly do it anymore except when I’m taking certain classes at school. I guess I should pursue school more.

  • I write to keep “active”
This is a relative term defined by: how often I post, how many readers I have, where I post/publish and if it matters or not (which it doesn’t). However, in the grand meaningless scheme of “employment” and job questions like, “What have you been doing all this time?” I find it useful to pretend I’m doing something with my life by writing about it. 

  • Because I’m just no good at anything else…
Obviously, if this were my answer to the job question, I’d never have a job in my life again (which is what I’m looking at now anyways). Yes, I’m a lazy, depressed, good-for-nothing who is unprepared to deal with the real world -- but at least I can write about it! Writing gives me a small, insignificant voice. It gives me a sense of purpose I can’t find anywhere else. 

When I read an inspiring story or work of journalism that’s published, I think, “Wow! I’m glad they wrote this and I could read it!” No, I didn’t give them any money directly (or at all). Yes, I know it doesn’t make any money to write small, inspiring works that no one else cares about, but it gives me something to live for.

That is the most accurate answer I can think of as to “why I write”. Writing gives me something to live for. When I write, it’s proof that I exist. My words flow onto the paper in sloppy, black, ink and I can re-read my words later to figure out: where I was when I wrote it, when I was writing it, what I was writing about and how I was feeling then.

Writing is more truthful than speaking, which isn’t always honest due to censorship, feelings about the listener and general thoughtlessness. 

Anyone can “speak their mind” and their words are easily forgotten, but any great speech requires thoughtful examination, drafts of words on paper and re-writes. Writing requires more effort and the reward is that it’s more permanent. 

  • I write for permanence
I hesitate to put my words on a blog, text message or email or anyplace where it becomes erased (like some newspapers I’ve written articles for). In time everything you say or write becomes obsolete due to the transitory nature of our lives, the medium we use to express ourselves and the fading interest that is the result of the “human condition”. 

Books are more permanent than blogs, can be copyrighted in a Congress Library and can be bought and sold on a market. But even books are subject to environmental conditions (water, fire, fading, etc.), bad market decline, lack of interest and finally, books are forgotten. 

Writing is a luxury but it’s also a necessity. Time and time again I thought about what I’d be doing if I wasn’t writing and then thought what my life would be like if I couldn’t write…

Get up in the morning, go to work (or school), go home, do chores (or homework and chores), fix dinner, sleep. Do it all over again.

Not very interesting, is it? The problem is, writing requires time: time to notice, time to digest, time to reflect, time to write about the whole process. Who has time to write when you’re working to pay the bills or going to school in order to work to pay the (additional) bills that going to school required? 

  • I write for self-worth
Is what I write about really worth anything? Is it worth publishing? Is it worth working for? Is it worth going to school for? Those questions are harder to answer than the simple “why do I write?” question. 

Having self-worth is probably the most important and valuable thing for writing (and for anything else in your life). How to handle rejection without despair, how to have the energy to try again (even when you’re exhausted all the time). Having the know-how to do what you want (software to publish your own books, etc.). 

If I had self-worth it would be easier to write more and better. I’d be more successful. I’d be so successful that I’d make a lot of money, live in a nice place, meet great and important people, have a good life and make it on my own.

. . . 

What would I write about then?