Too Tired

Lately, I've been too exhausted to do anything.

I can't write. I can't sleep well. No matter how many hours I lie in bed, I always feel exhausted when I wake up.

I've been working too much and doing nothing at the same time.

Retail work doesn't suit me. Sitting for eight hours at a time and waiting for people to buy stuff doesn't work. I get tired of sitting and doing nothing. I read sometimes but I'm always interrupted by the odd customer who asks, “How much is this?” before they say, “That's too expensive!” and then they leave the store.

I've seen enough of the customers in San Francisco to know how the routine goes.

The regulars are nice. They live in the area and shop local. You usually know them by name and what they always buy. Then you get the tourists. They are a mixed bag. Some are nice, others are not so nice. It can go either way. Then you get the assholes... and when you get the assholes, it's always bad no matter what you do. I'd rather not focus on them. I won't waste words about them. This is about me.

I've done all sorts of jobs: caregiver, sign waver, janitor, cafeteria worker, food service, pet-sitter, front desk at a museum, reading tutor, camp counselor... etc. None of them ever paid a living wage. It wasn't until I came to San Francisco that I got my first full-time job that paid a living wage. Too bad rent was going for $3,000 a month. Now it's $4,000 for a one bedroom and $2,000 for a studio. That's how it goes, I guess.

What I can't stand is how employers treat people. I get that employees don't stick around the Bay Area but when employers use you faster than disposable toilet paper, you get the feeling you're not valued. I've been getting that a lot lately. It's not that I don't do my job: I show up on time, I do my work and clean up. But I got tired of working overtime, and not getting paid for it. I got tired of pulling big sales and not getting a sales bonus. I also got tired of the questions...

Suddenly, the whole Bay Area doesn't trust anyone over 30-years-old. “How old are you?” is a question I get a lot. Also, “When did you graduate? How long have you been in school?” is another way employers ask your age. “Are you married? Do you have kids?” is the next question, though it's supposed to be against the law for people to ask this. I was told there was this “old” woman working in a gym at the front desk (alongside a bunch of kids out of high school). It turns out she was only middle-aged. What the hell?

I was told to get pregnant by my boss and co-workers. I've been asked why I couldn't find a man by a manager, who had kids when he was 16 and got some girl pregnant at 15. I've been asked why I'm not married by a woman who had four divorces and several children in two countries, along with a toddler she had under the care of her mother, who was also her ride to work.

I'm getting real tired of it all.

I've seen so many red flags on jobs that it's become a routine checklist:

• Employer calls me by my email name, not my real name.
• Employer calls me by phone, even though I said for them to contact me by email
• Employer calls me by phone four hours after the job is posted, right after I send my resume in (see above)
• Employer demands an interview the same day or the next day (because they're desperate to fill the position that is now suddenly vacant)
• Employer has a large turn over of employees, in only one year (see above)
• Employer can't keep employees longer than a year, which explains why they're so desperate to find another person, every six months
• Employers post the same ad for the same position, every six months
• Employer talks disparagingly of the last employees, “Oh they were flakes... weren't serious about their job” etc etc.
• Employer pays you less than the going rate
• Employer has you sign a bunch of papers and grudgingly gives you a copy
• Employer gives you a negative job performance review after three months and tells you if you don't clean up your act, you won't get a bonus
• Employer pays you late or forgets to send in the payroll you submitted to them which was on time and because your paycheck is late, so is your rent
• Employer offers you a cash advance (with a lot of interest) because they claim they never got your payroll hours on time
• Employer sends you passive aggressive emails about how employees can turn into monsters and ruin the business unless their behavior is nipped in the bud
• Employer denies your bonus even though you've done excellent sales
• Employer leaves the bathroom a mess every time and doesn't flush the toilet, expecting you to flush and clean up the mess and the employer probably hasn't even washed their hands ever since that time they refused to flush the toilet even though you put a sign on the door that is underlined: Please flush the toilet before you leave
• Employer plays mind games with you and co-workers, playing you against each other and warning you about “the old lady” or “the slacker” when they don't give a shit about any of you
• Employer is always away from work and hard to get a hold of when a problem comes up
• Employer denies that there is a problem even though you've brought the problem up many, many times before but they never got back to you for some reason
• Employer refuses to talk about problems, puts it all on you to solve and blames you when the problem doesn't go away on its own
• Employer is pissed at you because since you've quit they've had to deal with all the problems you've dealt with, on top of running the business and now they're overwhelmed and cranky all the time but you don't need their reference because you've already found a different and better job that doesn't put you through a bunch of shit

And then there's this:

• Employer doesn't have you sign anything and tells you to come to work the next day— which leads to (see below)
• Employer not paying you for your work after you're “on call” for two weekends with no set schedule or payment arrangement that leads to— (see below)
• Employer having to go to court with you over not paying you for your work after you've made a complaint to the Department of Labor
• Employer also threatening to sue you because you posted publicly about why you quit your job or why your job performance is suffering or why some customers are mad at you or why you're always exhausted or how you're sick of it all and your job makes you want to kill yourself

So yeah... I've been tired. :-(

Goodwill to all...

       Miriam-Webster Dictionary

Full Definition of GOODWILL

1

a :  a kindly feeling of approval and support :  benevolent interest or concern

b (1) :  the favor or advantage that a business has acquired especially through its brands and its good reputation (2) :  the value of projected earnings increases of a business especially as part of its purchase price (3) :  the excess of the purchase price of a company over its book value which represents the value of goodwill as an intangible asset for accounting purposes

2

a :  cheerful consent

b :  willing effort

 

"Orientation" 

I went to Goodwill today for an orientation that would allow me to use their facilities to look for a job. I figured since I couldn't find a job on my own, and since I have zero income, they could help me out. Alas, I was five minutes late and then was told they don't have orientation on Fridays because they close early.

More and more I realize our government is shutting down on Fridays and now so are non-profit agencies. 

I signed in, thanked the young woman and left.

"As Is"

Right next door to the huge building of Bank of America (Market St. & 11th) is the Goodwill Industries "As Is" store and warehouse sorting facility, where you can buy boxes of pre-sorted "as is" items in bulk. 

As I perused a box outside a man told me, "That's my stuff." 

Oops! I stepped back, taking in the 4-5 boxes, all my height and three feet wide, stuffed with an assortment of housewares, luggage, pictures and useful-for-other-purposes-bric-a-brac.   

I saw a woman taking out a bundle of hangers and wondered if the guy had a store of his own.

"You can buy your own boxes inside." He informed me. 

"Wow! Thanks!" I replied, though I could never buy in bulk as he was doing or have a place to put it all. I thought of my own stuff I was paying for in my three storage sheds. 

I went inside the warehouse and was stunned at the amount of stuff inside. It seemed as if over a hundred boxes (my size height) were around, along with mile-long tables of clothing which were sold by the pound. 

The man at the front desk register informed me there were items like Italian brand shoes, etc. 

"All good stuff!" He assured me. 

I nodded, still awestruck at the sight. 

I meekly poked around, mainly at oil painted pictures before two men came around to tell me that the boxes were for "wholesale only". I guess other people pick through the boxes and rearrange items all the time. 

The sheer number and mountain of boxes, shoes, clothing and housewares astounded me. To my disappointment, I saw a lot of oil, pastel, acrylic handmade pictures that had been thrown out, a.k.a. "donated". 

"That's where my oil paintings are going." I thought ruefully.

"Not-so-good Goods"

I also saw a number of awesome movies on VHS, "Edward Scissor Hands", "Hunchback of Notre Dame" and other Disney films that looked like the ones I had given away previously. 

Clothes, purses and shoes were the most disposable and took up over a quarter (if not half) the warehouse. I guess fashion in this country is very disposable. 

I couldn't imagine anyone wanting dirty purses, or old, scuffed-up shoes to wear. Clothes have to be washed (or dry cleaned) which is a pain. 

There was a lot of electronics being disposed of: microwaves, TV's (made obsolete by the government and corporate mandated digital cable), blenders, foot baths, vacuums, lamps, tons of computer e-waste. 

I wondered what you'd do with it all. Perhaps they could be stripped down for copper wire scrap and metal parts. But that would require extra labor... so much waste!

Also, I saw childhood toys thrown out, as childhood is so temporary, we spend a lot on toys that later become worthless.

"Sorting out the rubbish"

Working in a place like this must put consumerism in perspective. I know I'd buy a lot less "disposable" goods if I worked at Goodwill... or maybe not. It could turn you into a hoarder, I suppose, since you have easy access to all the goods. 

There were a lot of office and school supplies that if sorted correctly, could be of use to non-profits and schools. But there's so much red-tape involved and the boxes were meant to be sold "as is". So likely, it would be thrown in the trash later. 

I wonder if they have to sort things twice, if people dispose of the "as is" they don't want? 

Then I came upon the sight of the sorting facility where again, another man warded me off. "That's our sorting facility--off limits. Please stay behind the yellow line." 

"Yes, I see it." I said, obviously. Did he expect me to just run out and wildly start grabbing clothes off the rolling conveyor belt? Maybe other people had done that...

As I watched, I was amazed and then depressed.

Men on forklifts brought metal crates of clothes around to be dumped into a sorting area where women with masks and gloves on went through them and dropped them onto a conveyor belt to be further sorted by other women in various boxes. 

On the other side, people took clothes from the boxes and hung them up on hangers into respective areas: cashmere, vintage, tops, etc. I didn't see them cleaning the clothes but I guessed that would be done after--maybe by a giant dry cleaning hose of some sort. 

There was very little interaction between the workers. Most of the women sorters were: Asian, Hispanic/Latino and Black. I saw no White women sorting. 

In the hanger rack area, other women were working. Only two were men (White), one of whom was a man much older than retirement age. I know how little social security pays in this country--not enough to live on, and with employment and age discrimination at an all time high, it may have been the only job available for him. 

No one spoke to each other. No one wore earbuds or listened to music, there was no music to break the monotony and it was quite loud in the sorting warehouse. A clock was stationed in center to keep track of the time: 10:30 a.m.. 

All the workers were working at a very fast pace, standing on their feet and doing repetitive movement for hours at a time. Not all the women wore masks or gloves (I'm guessing those item cost extra). 

"Refuse"

I thought of the sort of work I'd be doing, if I had to work in the warehouse. Most likely, it would be the only job offered to me, even though I have retail experience, etc. 

How boring it would be! What reward on the job could I look forward to? No interaction at all with any employees. Did they talk over lunch? Were they given lunch at all? Or perhaps their shift ended by then (as is often the case when employed only 20 hours a week or less). 

It would not be a job that has a lot of respect. If I were to apply to another job and an employer sees "Goodwill warehouse worker" on my résumé, what impression does that make? Not a good one. 

"Oh you're not a team player!" They would say, nothing that there's no interaction between the workers. 

"What do you do at your job?" They would also ask.

What do you say then? Even working at Goodwill (known for training the down-and-out) looks bad to employers. You'll never get a job at Macy's that way.

The upward-bound jobs Goodwill does provide are only open to: 18-22 year-olds, as I found out when I applied to a job with Levi-Strauss, who said that at 31-years-old, I was "too old" for the position. 

I guess Goodwill is good for those who really do need a hand up, those who never got the chance they deserved due to socioeconomic restrictions based on: race, location of birth, poverty, current living situation and schools available. 

But for those who've had opportunities available but were denied any chance of advancement, working at Goodwill may be quite a fall from teh employment ladder.

It's a lot harder to climb up toward the top when covered in mud. Your feet keep slipping on the rungs and your grip isn't as strong when covered in the blisters of mistreatment and constant disappointment. It's especially hard to reach the top when the employment ladder keeps shaking on the unstable, muddy, ground. And when society takes its foot and kicks your ladder off from its point, you can't help but fall down, into the filthy muck below. Try climbing your way up from that. How many times can you stand it?

Goodwill makes jobs out of people's waste. It's a shame that with all this country's wealth, we throw away so much without a second thought. 

Our society has thrown its greatest asset and resource away: our human potential. No amount of goodwill can ever make it right.

Why Do I Write?

As a writer, this is a very important question for me. 

I have to keep asking myself this when I don’t feel like writing. Worst thing is, I have to keep answering this when everyone else keeps asking me, “Why do you write when you don’t get any money?” “What’s the point of writing if you don’t do anything with it?” 

I’m still coming up with excuses but I already know why I write. For many reasons…

• I write to express myself.

On days like these when I don’t feel like doing anything else, when I feel like life is pointless, I write to express these feelings that if voiced aloud would get me locked up in the nuthouse.

• I write to get out of the apartment

Writing in front of a computer is boring, not to mention all the distractions of: Facebook, YouTube, Webtoon (my new addiction to online Korean comics), etc.

Social interaction is nice, even if it’s just an exchange of, “I’ll have a double espresso and a gluten-free muffin, please.” “$6.50.” “Thank you.” Now finding a good café to write in is another challenge…

• I write to capture the moment

Somehow pictures don’t do it for me. I always forget the date of when I took it, where I took it and why. Writing memories down ensures I can get “the bigger picture” of events. 

• I write for personal reflection (yes, this is different from expression)

I observe people through the lens of my perception, which can be very dark and depressing. Other times, I try to understand why people live their lives the way they do. How do they get though their day (especially without drugs, alcohol or pot)? What makes them different from me? What makes me different from them? Also, because I’m curious and writing about others helps me understand them more.

• I write to imagine…

What if? The greatest question ever! I like to imagine different scenarios about me, life and other people. “What if that guy was a secret agent?” “What if I only had one day to live?” “What if I could live forever?” Though that last question is the most depressing. 

Making up stories and daydreaming is the best part of my day. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live life without any imagination.

• I write to learn

When I’m doing big research papers for school (40 pages in length at times), I learn a lot from what I’ve researched and then written about. My research in poverty gave me a bigger perspective and cemented my claim that poverty is unacceptable in this country. I miss doing research. I hardly do it anymore except when I’m taking certain classes at school. I guess I should pursue school more.

• I write to keep “active”

This is a relative term defined by: how often I post, how many readers I have, where I post/publish and if it matters or not (which it doesn’t). However, in the grand meaningless scheme of “employment” and job questions like, “What have you been doing all this time?” I find it useful to pretend I’m doing something with my life by writing about it. 

• Because I’m just no good at anything else…

Obviously, if this were my answer to the job question, I’d never have a job in my life again (which is what I’m looking at now anyways). Yes, I’m a lazy, depressed, good-for-nothing who is unprepared to deal with the real world -- but at least I can write about it! Writing gives me a small, insignificant voice. It gives me a sense of purpose I can’t find anywhere else. 

When I read an inspiring story or work of journalism that’s published, I think, “Wow! I’m glad they wrote this and I could read it!” No, I didn’t give them any money directly (or at all). Yes, I know it doesn’t make any money to write small, inspiring works that no one else cares about, but it gives me something to live for.

That is the most accurate answer I can think of as to “why I write”. Writing gives me something to live for. When I write, it’s proof that I exist. My words flow onto the paper in sloppy, black, ink and I can re-read my words later to figure out: where I was when I wrote it, when I was writing it, what I was writing about and how I was feeling then.

Writing is more truthful than speaking, which isn’t always honest due to censorship, feelings about the listener and general thoughtlessness. 

Anyone can “speak their mind” and their words are easily forgotten, but any great speech requires thoughtful examination, drafts of words on paper and re-writes. Writing requires more effort and the reward is that it’s more permanent. 

• I write for permanence

I hesitate to put my words on a blog, text message or email or anyplace where it becomes erased (like some newspapers I’ve written articles for). In time everything you say or write becomes obsolete due to the transitory nature of our lives, the medium we use to express ourselves and the fading interest that is the result of the “human condition”. 

Books are more permanent than blogs, can be copyrighted in a Congress Library and can be bought and sold on a market. But even books are subject to environmental conditions (water, fire, fading, etc.), bad market decline, lack of interest and finally, books are forgotten. 

Writing is a luxury but it’s also a necessity. Time and time again I thought about what I’d be doing if I wasn’t writing and then thought what my life would be like if I couldn’t write…

Get up in the morning, go to work (or school), go home, do chores (or homework and chores), fix dinner, sleep. Do it all over again.

Not very interesting, is it? The problem is, writing requires time: time to notice, time to digest, time to reflect, time to write about the whole process. Who has time to write when you’re working to pay the bills or going to school in order to work to pay the (additional) bills that going to school required? 

• I write for self-worth

Is what I write about really worth anything? Is it worth publishing? Is it worth working for? Is it worth going to school for? Those questions are harder to answer than the simple “why do I write?” question. 

Having self-worth is probably the most important and valuable thing for writing (and for anything else in your life). How to handle rejection without despair, how to have the energy to try again (even when you’re exhausted all the time). Having the know-how to do what you want (software to publish your own books, etc.). 

If I had self-worth it would be easier to write more and better. I’d be more successful. I’d be so successful that I’d make a lot of money, live in a nice place, meet great and important people, have a good life and make it on my own.

. . . 

What would I write about then? 

The Ugly Truth About Job Searching

Part I

Here I am again, looking for a job. I thought by moving to the bay area my chances for employment would increase. I was wrong.

"Work History"

This is probably the most difficult topic to explain. My résumé goes back to 1997, when I first helped out as a teacher's assistant for sign-language in elementary school. I was also the librarian's assistant, using the computer system for: checking out/in books, data entry, typing, etc. I was twelve-years-old.

I was always very helpful in my childhood. My first 'job' was teaching other kids to read as well as I could and to tutor them. I was volunteer of the month twice at my school. I also wanted to draw a comic book and sell my hand-made clay figurines but I never was able to.

Before that, I tried selling my toys, and drawings to the neighbors for $0.05 each. I was a very outgoing child and had a great entrepreneurial spirit.

At 13, I tried to get a job with the local animal shelter but when I entered the facility (it had been closed), there were a bunch of dead deer animal carcases that had to be disposed of, courtesy of animal control and reckless highway drivers. I lost the urge to volunteer with them after that.

In Jr. High, I helped design a math tutoring slide-show using Power Point on Macintosh. The teacher was very impressed and gave me extra credit. Other students were able to use the program to help their skills in math. I was also using a Windows 3.0 and was studying on my own with Microsoft Encarta. Those were the days...

I was writing poetry, drawing graphics on the computer and wanted to start my own graphic design business by making pictures for anyone that needed them. I was handing out flyers to local neighbors until finally I got discouraged by lack of interest and lack of know-how to complete my "start-up" venture. Needless to say, nothing came of it.

In high-school, I baby-sat and did pet-sitting and house-sitting for the neighbors. I got a pretty good sum of money for it and in those days, I had enough to get my first Certificate of Deposit at the bank in my own name (back when interest rates were 5%!!).

The only other job I had to do was get my CA Driver's License (after taking courses at a traffic school), and help take care of my grandparents. I also had a dog then. Besides school, there wasn't much else for me to do in the small town I lived in.

I wasn't encouraged to get a job. My grandmother wanted me to be available to help her and always told me, "We have enough money, you don't need to work!". So I never tried getting a job while in high-school. My grandmother supported me through high-school, having raised me as a child. Then after home-school was, more school. She decided it was best for me to go to community college, since I had been home-schooled and a state college would require advanced math, which I didn't get through home-school (back in those days, there wasn't an algebra test to graduate). Also, she didn't want me leaving town since I had to help take care of her and grandpa and do things for them: errands, hospital trips, emergencies (which there were a lot of), etc.

I vaguely had an idea of going to UC Davis to 'become a veterinarian' which was every girl's dream at the time. The only thing I had to do was finish community college. It turned out to be harder than I thought.

2002 came around. I graduated home-school with honors and was valedictorian. Then came community/junior college with all their rules, red tape regulations and enrollment processes. I almost didn't get in. Which classes do I take and why? So I enrolled in classes I wanted to take, instead of the 'required for graduation' classes. Grandma told me, "Just take what you want. You can do the rest later." That's what I did. For several years.

Community college is supposed to be done in two years, maximum. You aren't supposed to take easy classes unless you're retired or... retarded. I had no idea 'the powers that be' were keeping track of my classes. I had a talk with a counselor who asked me why I hadn't taken required classes and that's when I figured out I had to get something done.

I registered for algebra I (which said I was qualified based on their assessment test), Japanese, Honors, English, Science. I was taking 18 units. Needless to say, I failed algebra I (the teacher told me to drop the class), barely passed English (teacher quit to become an actor in New York), dropped Science (it was too hard because of the advanced algebra required), barely passed Honors (teacher was an ass who told me, "I only added you because I needed to fill seats for my class".), and passed Japanese with flying colors, go figure!

Also... because I was with State Farm and on my grandparent's plan, I was required to take 12 units every semester to get a discount. I never wanted to do this but my grandmother insisted because she didn't want to pay extra money to insure me. So no matter what, I had to sign up for 12 units any way I could. Eventually, I burned out and failed a few classes because of that stipulation.

I didn't think any of this mattered until I tried to get a job as a college orientation leader. Some kid, younger than 18-years-old I think, looked over my 70+ unit transcript with a dubious look and asked immediately why I failed math and astronomy. I explained the situation but he wasn't convinced. I didn't get the job. I think his drunk frat buddy got the job instead, even though I knew way more about the college process than either of them combined.

My 'inexperience' in the job field would come back to haunt me, as I tried to look for other entry-level jobs. In a small town, unless your parents are rich, or you're really popular and have friends who can get you jobs, you don't get hired. This was my problem. My grandparents weren't rich. I didn't have many friends and wasn't popular enough to know important people in high places.

Other kids had part-time jobs in stores, restaurants, etc. Mostly because their parents hired them or their siblings got them the job. On every job application it asks, "Do you have friends or family members currently employed here?" That should be illegal. That is called DISCRIMINATION!

Finally, I got a job working at an animal shelter after volunteering there for several months. That job didn't last long. It was my first job. I knew nothing about time cards, sick-leave, taxes, etc. Sometimes I would finish all my tasks and ask my supervisor, "Can I go now?" And the supervisor, totally caught off guard, would say, "It's not time yet. Sweep or do laundry or something."

Other times I worked past my allotted time in order to finish the job, like for the endless amount of dirty laundry that had to be done. Finally they told me, "We can't pay you over-time. You need to clock out now." In my innocence, I replied, "It's okay, I can do this off the clock." I had no idea that was illegal, that it would conflict with employer insurance, regulations, etc. I stayed only a few months at that job. I just got burned out (plus all the other horrors I witnessed: animals abused, community service workers neglecting their work, etc.). I saw many a Director come and go at that place, so I'm guessing I'm not the only one who suffered burn-out.

Years later, I tried a stint in Thailand to teach English. That didn't work out either. It was a scam. Like most "Teach English Overseas" jobs, they are meant to entrap tourists so they can put out a bunch of cash to these so-called 'degree providers', give them a crappy job, deny them a working visa and pretty much screw them until they have to leave, which is in three months (Passport must be stamped every month by leaving the country and through re-entry). I got the certificate but very little job experience.

After this I realized my life wouldn't change. I enrolled in community college again (seeing that I couldn't enter state college with my limited math and science) and changed majors. With all my theatre experience, it wasn't enough to enter a job field in a small college town surrounded by farms. There were no jobs for actors, or theatre majors. It was time to do something practical. I tried journalism with the same result... nothing. Then broadcasting.

At this time, I found a job at school. Working in the cafeteria was probably the most practical job ever and I wish I had done it sooner. I had seen my other friends work there and knew it paid enough to cover college expenses (after financial aid). It was the longest, highest paying job overall in my life. The only thing I regret was that I didn't get to do the café, smoothie bar or grill, which would've helped me pursue other jobs outside of college. My supervisors and co-workers were great. I only had two incidents of harassment on the job by customers but other than that, it worked for me. But I quit the job to pursue the broadcasting internship.

Broadcasting was interesting in that it allowed me to use my public speaking skills by interviewing people, use my creativity when it came to writing and editing stories, and still be in the spotlight when I read the news story live, on-air. There were some problems with technical issues, politics and internal conflicts but by this time I had worked out another internship at a for-profit radio station.

This other radio station wouldn't have much of the technical issues but still had a lot of politics involved. Turned out, I would lose the job to a younger guy who helped out with sports announcements (I was the news substitute person at $8.00 an hour). I don't even remember signing any "end of employment papers" but they never called me again for the job and I got the idea that I wasn't working there anymore.

After that I focused on volunteering, thinking that eventually it would lead to a paying job. It never happened. Time and time again, I was refused a job because I didn't know the right people or didn't have a husband to get me a job. All the people I volunteered with were retired and didn't have to worry about income and they didn't have any job contacts for me to call.

So I did what every un-employed American does in this country, I went on Craigslist. I found a job as a caregiver, the lowest paying job I ever had (after forced union dues were retroactively taken from my paycheck), I made less than minimum wage. I found out caregivers make around $18,000 a year... compared to most jobs at $27,000+, it's a terrible sum. The only jobs below this are: farming, fishing, and forestry.

Then, seeing that my caregiver job wasn't enough to pay for rent or my bills, I got another job: sign waver a.k.a. a human billboard. This job paid better though for less hours, it still didn't pay much. Less-than-ideal working conditions, harassment on the job, and smoke inhalation/exhaust fumes, made it a not-so-great career move. I knew it was a temporary position since the other guy had quit before me.

It was time for a change of pace. I decided to do freelance and change my interest to: retail and fashion. I tried for a time doing referral services in town for local shops and stores. Due to the terrible economy, many stores were going out of business and my referral service was quickly out of date. I then veered toward the fashion industry and found a nice niche in women's fashion.

It was a job but not a W-2 job, so I didn't make enough to pay taxes on it. In fact, in all of my jobs, I never made enough to pay taxes... ever. According to State of California Franchise Tax Board website: "You have a requirement to file a California Personal Income Tax Return if your Gross Income is $15,702 or more; or your Adjusted Gross Income is $12,562 or more."

Did I make that much, ever? Nope.

"Was your gross income for 2014 $3,950 or more?", asks IRS.gov. (Single-household, non-disabled, etc.)

No, it was not.

I never made either of these amounts in MY ENTIRE LIFE!

My grandparent's money has supported me my entire life. I consider myself lucky and unlucky. It won't last forever though.

Part II

There are some people who've worked since 16-years-old. These are the people who've had to work through high-school and put themselves through college: flipping burgers, dealing with people's trash, and with other crummy low-wage jobs that barely pay the bills.

Some people are lucky enough to marry and become housewives and have children and get money from the government. Some start their own business and make even more money.

Others... others have gotten divorced, have had to fend for themselves, have had to live on the street.

This is what I'm looking at since I may not qualify for welfare, due to the red-tape process and huge waiting list. Even unemployment is tricky business and you need to be very savvy in order to get any benefits.

I don't like the idea of having to do this. We are taught in America that if you work hard, you get paid and you can survive. Unfortunately, the reality is very different and many people have two jobs and are still homeless.

There are many ugly facts that contribute to this. A bad economy, bad working conditions and unfavorable employment opportunities (or non-opportunities) don't give people much to work with. The truth is, it has always been this way. There have always been crappy jobs for those not-so-fortunate people, mainly: immigrants who don't speak English, ex-felons/prisoners, mentally ill, disabled, former foster youth and un-educated, poor people in poor communities.

The only difference is now, people with BA's and MA's are competing for these horrible, low-wage and degrading jobs too. The middle class of America has disappeared and the gap between the poor and the rich is getting bigger.

With such terrible conditions, it's no wonder employers are taking their knives, sharpening them and slicing away at the population (and wages). They have no compunction about deceptive hiring practices, misleading job processes or outright lying. They can fire at will with no reason, say bad things about you when you leave the job and deny you future opportunities for employment. Think I'm making this up? Think again!

Discrimination, sexual harassment, ageism, unfair wages, unsafe working conditions... these are all the things that happen when employers are given free reign over desperate people who need jobs. Since people need the jobs so badly, they will do anything to keep it and not complain, even if it kills them.

In Japan, salary men are lucky to live past 40-years-old due to the stress they suffer under their job. High blood pressure, diabetes, ulcers, cancer and other health problems are common. These are just the salary men who suffer this in Japan. In America, it's much worse for everyone else and we're considered the most developed country on Earth.

"You Are Who You Work For"

The job identity associated with your employment is inescapable and you must be very careful to get the "right" job or you'll be stuck flipping burgers for the rest of your life. The odds of you improving your work "experience" from food service to let's say, hospitality, is zilch.

"You don't have hospitality experience!" a snotty HR associate will chide as they look at your 10-year-curriculum vitae at McDonald's. It doesn't matter if you managed to become Senior Manager and lead a crew of 10+ ever-changing high-school kids, supervise the: cooking, cleaning, orders and deliveries of food while maintaining a healthy environment (and bathroom) for the job. At one dollar above minimum wage, your job doesn't qualify you for any other job other than: Senior Manager at Burger King. That's it.

Forget climbing the social ladder. You can barely make it to dirt level.

Employers see who you've worked for and unless you fudge your C.V. quite a bit, you're not going to improve your career, ever.

"No Entry"

Gatekeeping software is now the ever-popular device of all major employers. Ever fill out an employment form online? Congratulations, you've just made it to the Trash Bin Pile! Software designed by geeky shut-in graduates of Stanford, Harvard or Yale make it even more impossible to apply for jobs. Unless you have keywords like: Analyst, Financial Advisor, Administration, Biotech, Human Resource, Software Engineer... etc., don't expect to make it to the email box of the Human Resources person who's supposed to glance at your résumé. By the way, what's the name of said Human Resource person anyway? Don't know? Too bad for you. You'll never get employed if you don't know their name then.

Employers are also very careful not to give out any information about: themselves, their Human Resource people, their employees, and other employment opportunities for that reason. If you're not "one of them" forget trying to get in. Consider this door permanently shut.

"Are Any Of Your Family Members Or Friends Currently Employed Here?"

This question is meant to eliminate over 90% of job applicants. If you aren't referred by someone on the job personally, then forget applying. Over 50% of hires are made through referrals and that's why you see all: Black, Filipino, Hispanic/Latino, Vietnamese, etc. working in one store. Referrals usually consist of same race, gender, age and socio-economic background.

"The Psychological Test"

Do you feel happy everyday, every single minute of your life? If you answered no to this question, it will affect your employment. Psychological questionnaires in the form of required employment tests ask you such discriminating questions and because they are developed by a third-party company, employers use them without a qualm. [See my other article: Job Hunt Spying Policy]

Even on the job, you are required to smile 24/7: while people are being rude to you, while being groped by your boss, while being groped by customers, while your co-workers are talking crap about you behind your back, while your co-workers are talking crap about you to your face, while you're secretly depressed but can't talk to anyone about it because then you'd lose your job.

See what I mean? What kind of person would be capable of smiling through all this? It's inhuman and inhumane.

"The Credit Score"

You wouldn't think what you buy on your credit card would affect your employment but in this day and age, having a bad credit score looks bad to employers who are allowed to see all your credit history through a "background check" that has nothing to do with your (hopefully non-existent) criminal record.

Had to use your credit card to pay for groceries? Too bad. Did someone steal your credit card and use it to pay for $500+ worth of clothes? Oh well. No job for you.

Employers never disclose the fact that they've looked at your credit report, or didn't hire you based on your credit report. It remains an issue that will never be solved. Even though, technically, you are allowed to view what they view, you never get the chance. Employers can easily side-step this by simply not looking at your application at all. Just because you completed a background check doesn't mean they will actually look at your application, cover letter, references or résumé.

"Make An Effort"

Imagine you need to apply for 20 jobs a day due to unemployment, etc. You need a job by next week. You fill out 120 applications, 120 different cover letters and 120 copies of résumés and references. You get 5 interviews that week. Zero call-backs.

Next week you do the same...

People tell you that you need to make finding a job your "full-time job", "dedicate 6-8 hours a day to get results". You do 10 hours a day with no results. How many jobs applications can you fill out in a day?

You get burned out. No one gets back to you. The one interview you thought went well never gets back to you. You email them and they have an automatic response, "We appreciate your time but unfortunately your qualifications don't match our requirements at this time...".

At this time, they say, as if in the unforeseeable future they may consider you again. You are told that employers are supposed to keep your application on file for six months... it's a lie. Employers don't even remember you the next month you apply for the same job that is mysteriously vacant again. You go through another set of interviews, only to have the same result, nothing. In the end you wonder what it's all for...

As a desperate measure, you apply for jobs below minimum wage, gigs they are called, in hopes that it will lead to something more. You even consider unpaid jobs just to fill your résumé with something other than community college courses.

The gigs are nothing more than a joke. The jobs below minimum wage are exactly that, minimum wage with no room for improvement, promotion or increased wages or hours. The unpaid jobs are only for high-school interns and you are far too old to apply (they try to hide their disgust at you and fail as they go through with their interview, since you have clearly wasted their time), and you are left feeling degraded, useless, worthless and ready to kill yourself.

Welcome to America.

Now put your head to the ground, kiss the sh*t stained sidewalk that will soon be your home until a cop comes around and beats the hell out of you, since this is what it all comes down to in the Land of Opportunity (Poor People Need Not Apply). If you complain it just means you didn't try hard enough and that you are a lazy-good-for-nothing-ungrateful-piece-of-filth-who-should-just-do-the-world-a-favor-to-save-the-tax-payer-money-no-welfare-please-goddamn-kill-yourself-off-now, unemployed person.

"What now?"

There are a surprising amount of jobs available for the lazy-good-for-nothing-ungrateful-piece-of-filth-who-should-just-do-the-world-a-favor-to-save-the-tax-payer-money-no-welfare-please-goddamn-kill-yourself-off-now, unemployed person. Just to name a few are: drug-dealers, prostitution, military... prison. Yes, prison employs a lot of prisoners who must work many hours to pay for their blankets, toothbrushes, phone privileges, and other accoutrements.

The military offers some benefits and assuming you survive the whole gotta-kill-everyone-so-I-don't-get-killed ordeal you get to have PTSD which can put you on disability and unemployment, after you jump through hoops of fire and a battery of assaults by psychologists and medical doctors who secretly just want to make you a drooling zombie and take all the government money they can from you.

It's nice to know there are some jobs in this country after all for others like myself.

* * *

Sorry, Lost Connection...

I sit at my computer wondering why I'm typing this at all...

After months of trying to find a job, I'm thinking of giving up. Temp agencies insult my intelligence with stupid personality tests, saying I don't score high enough on 'working with others'. 

When I finally pass their F*cking gate keeping nonsense, I'm supposed to give them all my information: 10 years of employment history (who's says I've been working for the past 10 years?), my bank routing number, account number, address and all my account history (I'm not a terrorist--it's not of their business how much money I have!), plus fill out more insulting stuff I don't care to discuss...(marriage, living conditions, political/social organizations I belong to, etc.).

All I wanted to do was hold a sign on a street corner for some extra money--homeless people do it all the time and they make more money than I do--and they don't have to spend 3 hours filling out stupid forms.

I just wanted to have a job so I could be "A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY" but I guess that's too much to ask.

I even thought of making up my own job. I made business cards, made a short bio of what I should do, and joined Facebook (which I loathe!), in order to pretend that I'm part of society. But it was all for nothing.

The women I met who had their own businesses had rich husbands to support them, a second job, or used to be President of the Realtor's Association, etc. I couldn't possibly expect to be one of them, nor could I pretend to fit in with their lifestyle.

Since I'm clearly un-employable, I have decided to give up joining society at all. 

Society values people on their 'productivity'--how much money they make (doesn't matter if it's an honest way or not). How much money you spend on any amount of crap: cars, houses, purses, etc. And how badly you judge other people--I would be considered the lowest rung on the ladder, therefore I would be judged quite harshly by others.

The fact that I'm an intelligent person, capable of feeling emotion, who loves to be creative and write--counts for nothing in this society.

I saw an ad on Yahoo! about the sort of people bosses HATE--I can only imagine my worthiness as a writer makes me the sort that bosses will not hire, simply because I can make a coherent sentence and think critically (which most people can't do today). 

Entering the job force requires you to give up everything that makes you a human being, throw away any ethics on right or wrong and do whatever it takes to win. It requires you to put on a fake personality so your bosses and co-workers will like you--no matter what. Getting considered for a job means competing with other people, even if it means putting them down and pretending you're more qualified than they are. Asking for a job is the equivalent of selling your soul to the devil...assuming that you have a soul to begin with.

No, I don't think I want to get a job anymore. I don't think I will bother trying.
I think I'd rather be dead than debase myself that way. 

I will become an outcast--one of those on the street, that people ignore wishing they would disappear, so that society doesn't have to be reminded of what they are doing wrong. 

I don't know what else to do anymore...

All I can do is try to write and find some little enjoyment in this horrible life that I don't want to live. At least when I die I can say that I lived the life I wanted to live, instead of the life that others would force me to live--a life without meaning.

I hope whoever's reading this will understand. Maybe they can see the truth and find something better to do with their own lives.