Too Tired

Lately, I've been too exhausted to do anything.

I can't write. I can't sleep well. No matter how many hours I lie in bed, I always feel exhausted when I wake up.

I've been working too much and doing nothing at the same time.

Retail work doesn't suit me. Sitting for eight hours at a time and waiting for people to buy stuff doesn't work. I get tired of sitting and doing nothing. I read sometimes but I'm always interrupted by the odd customer who asks, “How much is this?” before they say, “That's too expensive!” and then they leave the store.

I've seen enough of the customers in San Francisco to know how the routine goes.

The regulars are nice. They live in the area and shop local. You usually know them by name and what they always buy. Then you get the tourists. They are a mixed bag. Some are nice, others are not so nice. It can go either way. Then you get the assholes... and when you get the assholes, it's always bad no matter what you do. I'd rather not focus on them. I won't waste words about them. This is about me.

I've done all sorts of jobs: caregiver, sign waver, janitor, cafeteria worker, food service, pet-sitter, front desk at a museum, reading tutor, camp counselor... etc. None of them ever paid a living wage. It wasn't until I came to San Francisco that I got my first full-time job that paid a living wage. Too bad rent was going for $3,000 a month. Now it's $4,000 for a one bedroom and $2,000 for a studio. That's how it goes, I guess.

What I can't stand is how employers treat people. I get that employees don't stick around the Bay Area but when employers use you faster than disposable toilet paper, you get the feeling you're not valued. I've been getting that a lot lately. It's not that I don't do my job: I show up on time, I do my work and clean up. But I got tired of working overtime, and not getting paid for it. I got tired of pulling big sales and not getting a sales bonus. I also got tired of the questions...

Suddenly, the whole Bay Area doesn't trust anyone over 30-years-old. “How old are you?” is a question I get a lot. Also, “When did you graduate? How long have you been in school?” is another way employers ask your age. “Are you married? Do you have kids?” is the next question, though it's supposed to be against the law for people to ask this. I was told there was this “old” woman working in a gym at the front desk (alongside a bunch of kids out of high school). It turns out she was only middle-aged. What the hell?

I was told to get pregnant by my boss and co-workers. I've been asked why I couldn't find a man by a manager, who had kids when he was 16 and got some girl pregnant at 15. I've been asked why I'm not married by a woman who had four divorces and several children in two countries, along with a toddler she had under the care of her mother, who was also her ride to work.

I'm getting real tired of it all.

I've seen so many red flags on jobs that it's become a routine checklist:

• Employer calls me by my email name, not my real name.
• Employer calls me by phone, even though I said for them to contact me by email
• Employer calls me by phone four hours after the job is posted, right after I send my resume in (see above)
• Employer demands an interview the same day or the next day (because they're desperate to fill the position that is now suddenly vacant)
• Employer has a large turn over of employees, in only one year (see above)
• Employer can't keep employees longer than a year, which explains why they're so desperate to find another person, every six months
• Employers post the same ad for the same position, every six months
• Employer talks disparagingly of the last employees, “Oh they were flakes... weren't serious about their job” etc etc.
• Employer pays you less than the going rate
• Employer has you sign a bunch of papers and grudgingly gives you a copy
• Employer gives you a negative job performance review after three months and tells you if you don't clean up your act, you won't get a bonus
• Employer pays you late or forgets to send in the payroll you submitted to them which was on time and because your paycheck is late, so is your rent
• Employer offers you a cash advance (with a lot of interest) because they claim they never got your payroll hours on time
• Employer sends you passive aggressive emails about how employees can turn into monsters and ruin the business unless their behavior is nipped in the bud
• Employer denies your bonus even though you've done excellent sales
• Employer leaves the bathroom a mess every time and doesn't flush the toilet, expecting you to flush and clean up the mess and the employer probably hasn't even washed their hands ever since that time they refused to flush the toilet even though you put a sign on the door that is underlined: Please flush the toilet before you leave
• Employer plays mind games with you and co-workers, playing you against each other and warning you about “the old lady” or “the slacker” when they don't give a shit about any of you
• Employer is always away from work and hard to get a hold of when a problem comes up
• Employer denies that there is a problem even though you've brought the problem up many, many times before but they never got back to you for some reason
• Employer refuses to talk about problems, puts it all on you to solve and blames you when the problem doesn't go away on its own
• Employer is pissed at you because since you've quit they've had to deal with all the problems you've dealt with, on top of running the business and now they're overwhelmed and cranky all the time but you don't need their reference because you've already found a different and better job that doesn't put you through a bunch of shit

And then there's this:

• Employer doesn't have you sign anything and tells you to come to work the next day— which leads to (see below)
• Employer not paying you for your work after you're “on call” for two weekends with no set schedule or payment arrangement that leads to— (see below)
• Employer having to go to court with you over not paying you for your work after you've made a complaint to the Department of Labor
• Employer also threatening to sue you because you posted publicly about why you quit your job or why your job performance is suffering or why some customers are mad at you or why you're always exhausted or how you're sick of it all and your job makes you want to kill yourself

So yeah... I've been tired. :-(

Goodwill to all...

       Miriam-Webster Dictionary

Full Definition of GOODWILL

1

a :  a kindly feeling of approval and support :  benevolent interest or concern

b (1) :  the favor or advantage that a business has acquired especially through its brands and its good reputation (2) :  the value of projected earnings increases of a business especially as part of its purchase price (3) :  the excess of the purchase price of a company over its book value which represents the value of goodwill as an intangible asset for accounting purposes

2

a :  cheerful consent

b :  willing effort

 

"Orientation" 

I went to Goodwill today for an orientation that would allow me to use their facilities to look for a job. I figured since I couldn't find a job on my own, and since I have zero income, they could help me out. Alas, I was five minutes late and then was told they don't have orientation on Fridays because they close early.

More and more I realize our government is shutting down on Fridays and now so are non-profit agencies. 

I signed in, thanked the young woman and left.

"As Is"

Right next door to the huge building of Bank of America (Market St. & 11th) is the Goodwill Industries "As Is" store and warehouse sorting facility, where you can buy boxes of pre-sorted "as is" items in bulk. 

As I perused a box outside a man told me, "That's my stuff." 

Oops! I stepped back, taking in the 4-5 boxes, all my height and three feet wide, stuffed with an assortment of housewares, luggage, pictures and useful-for-other-purposes-bric-a-brac.   

I saw a woman taking out a bundle of hangers and wondered if the guy had a store of his own.

"You can buy your own boxes inside." He informed me. 

"Wow! Thanks!" I replied, though I could never buy in bulk as he was doing or have a place to put it all. I thought of my own stuff I was paying for in my three storage sheds. 

I went inside the warehouse and was stunned at the amount of stuff inside. It seemed as if over a hundred boxes (my size height) were around, along with mile-long tables of clothing which were sold by the pound. 

The man at the front desk register informed me there were items like Italian brand shoes, etc. 

"All good stuff!" He assured me. 

I nodded, still awestruck at the sight. 

I meekly poked around, mainly at oil painted pictures before two men came around to tell me that the boxes were for "wholesale only". I guess other people pick through the boxes and rearrange items all the time. 

The sheer number and mountain of boxes, shoes, clothing and housewares astounded me. To my disappointment, I saw a lot of oil, pastel, acrylic handmade pictures that had been thrown out, a.k.a. "donated". 

"That's where my oil paintings are going." I thought ruefully.

"Not-so-good Goods"

I also saw a number of awesome movies on VHS, "Edward Scissor Hands", "Hunchback of Notre Dame" and other Disney films that looked like the ones I had given away previously. 

Clothes, purses and shoes were the most disposable and took up over a quarter (if not half) the warehouse. I guess fashion in this country is very disposable. 

I couldn't imagine anyone wanting dirty purses, or old, scuffed-up shoes to wear. Clothes have to be washed (or dry cleaned) which is a pain. 

There was a lot of electronics being disposed of: microwaves, TV's (made obsolete by the government and corporate mandated digital cable), blenders, foot baths, vacuums, lamps, tons of computer e-waste. 

I wondered what you'd do with it all. Perhaps they could be stripped down for copper wire scrap and metal parts. But that would require extra labor... so much waste!

Also, I saw childhood toys thrown out, as childhood is so temporary, we spend a lot on toys that later become worthless.

"Sorting out the rubbish"

Working in a place like this must put consumerism in perspective. I know I'd buy a lot less "disposable" goods if I worked at Goodwill... or maybe not. It could turn you into a hoarder, I suppose, since you have easy access to all the goods. 

There were a lot of office and school supplies that if sorted correctly, could be of use to non-profits and schools. But there's so much red-tape involved and the boxes were meant to be sold "as is". So likely, it would be thrown in the trash later. 

I wonder if they have to sort things twice, if people dispose of the "as is" they don't want? 

Then I came upon the sight of the sorting facility where again, another man warded me off. "That's our sorting facility--off limits. Please stay behind the yellow line." 

"Yes, I see it." I said, obviously. Did he expect me to just run out and wildly start grabbing clothes off the rolling conveyor belt? Maybe other people had done that...

As I watched, I was amazed and then depressed.

Men on forklifts brought metal crates of clothes around to be dumped into a sorting area where women with masks and gloves on went through them and dropped them onto a conveyor belt to be further sorted by other women in various boxes. 

On the other side, people took clothes from the boxes and hung them up on hangers into respective areas: cashmere, vintage, tops, etc. I didn't see them cleaning the clothes but I guessed that would be done after--maybe by a giant dry cleaning hose of some sort. 

There was very little interaction between the workers. Most of the women sorters were: Asian, Hispanic/Latino and Black. I saw no White women sorting. 

In the hanger rack area, other women were working. Only two were men (White), one of whom was a man much older than retirement age. I know how little social security pays in this country--not enough to live on, and with employment and age discrimination at an all time high, it may have been the only job available for him. 

No one spoke to each other. No one wore earbuds or listened to music, there was no music to break the monotony and it was quite loud in the sorting warehouse. A clock was stationed in center to keep track of the time: 10:30 a.m.. 

All the workers were working at a very fast pace, standing on their feet and doing repetitive movement for hours at a time. Not all the women wore masks or gloves (I'm guessing those item cost extra). 

"Refuse"

I thought of the sort of work I'd be doing, if I had to work in the warehouse. Most likely, it would be the only job offered to me, even though I have retail experience, etc. 

How boring it would be! What reward on the job could I look forward to? No interaction at all with any employees. Did they talk over lunch? Were they given lunch at all? Or perhaps their shift ended by then (as is often the case when employed only 20 hours a week or less). 

It would not be a job that has a lot of respect. If I were to apply to another job and an employer sees "Goodwill warehouse worker" on my résumé, what impression does that make? Not a good one. 

"Oh you're not a team player!" They would say, nothing that there's no interaction between the workers. 

"What do you do at your job?" They would also ask.

What do you say then? Even working at Goodwill (known for training the down-and-out) looks bad to employers. You'll never get a job at Macy's that way.

The upward-bound jobs Goodwill does provide are only open to: 18-22 year-olds, as I found out when I applied to a job with Levi-Strauss, who said that at 31-years-old, I was "too old" for the position. 

I guess Goodwill is good for those who really do need a hand up, those who never got the chance they deserved due to socioeconomic restrictions based on: race, location of birth, poverty, current living situation and schools available. 

But for those who've had opportunities available but were denied any chance of advancement, working at Goodwill may be quite a fall from teh employment ladder.

It's a lot harder to climb up toward the top when covered in mud. Your feet keep slipping on the rungs and your grip isn't as strong when covered in the blisters of mistreatment and constant disappointment. It's especially hard to reach the top when the employment ladder keeps shaking on the unstable, muddy, ground. And when society takes its foot and kicks your ladder off from its point, you can't help but fall down, into the filthy muck below. Try climbing your way up from that. How many times can you stand it?

Goodwill makes jobs out of people's waste. It's a shame that with all this country's wealth, we throw away so much without a second thought. 

Our society has thrown its greatest asset and resource away: our human potential. No amount of goodwill can ever make it right.