How to Prepare Yourself for Being Murdered

Most people plan for the future and think about what they want to be, where they will live and who they'll live with.

Normal people plan for their education, careers and how many children they'll have.

Some people make alternate plans given their current situation and whether or not they can afford a new car, a down payment on a house or if they can manage to pay off their student loan debt.

Me?

I can't plan for the future. I don't have that luxury. I may not even live that long. I'm not even forty-years-old. I'm a woman. I have no children, no husband and no family. People like me don't live very long.

Most of us die at an early age.

Most of us are murdered.

*

Predators go after easy targets. Nearly all predators are men.

It doesn't matter how young or old you are, if you're pretty or ugly or thin or fat. You'll be a victim.

Nothing can save you, except perhaps lots of money.

Women who have no place to go are the easiest targets.

Young girls get into fights with their parents, maybe they're kicked out because they're gay or got into too much trouble. Nobody ever asks why they get into so much trouble but they don't seem to care about that question. All people expect is for them to obey, to conform and to not question authority—even when that authority expects the wrong things from them or when that authority makes them do the wrong thing.

Nobody ever asks why.

A young man, older man, any man comes along and offers these girls in trouble a place to stay. They don't say why they're offering but you can take a guess.

The girl ends up in three ways: raped, pregnant or dead.

Nobody ever asks why this happens—it just does.

Young men, older men and any men do these things because they can. Nobody questions them.

They only tell other young girls—don't end up like those girls. Don't be bad like they are. Nobody ever asks why they are bad but nobody seems to care about that question.

Older women are also at risk.

They may do everything right, except for picking the wrong man to be with.

Older women do normal things like finish college, have a career then have children. Older women are not like those bad girls who made the wrong choices. These older women are nearly perfect in every way.

However, the man they chose to be with is not. The man may have problems, he may drink, have a temper and be abusive at times. Nobody ever asks why this is—it just is.

The man ends up hitting the wife but just a few times at first. Maybe she made him mad and maybe he had good reason to hit her. Maybe she likes getting hit and beaten and thrown on the ground—she's very clumsy after all and that's probably why he's beating her.

And the children... did anyone ask about the children? Perhaps you may have missed them. They were in the corner hiding from their angry daddy. They know their daddy can be nice at times but right now he's very angry and he's hitting mommy. They don't know why he's hitting mommy but they know they'd better stay out of sight or daddy will start to hit them. They don't want that, do they?

Then one day mommy has had enough. She starts packing her things when daddy is away and tells her children, “It's time to go now” and she plans for her escape. She may have relatives or friends she can stay with, people who believe her and know how bad her husband is.

One wonders if they knew the husband was bad, why didn't they intervene sooner? But nobody seems to care about this question.

But the mommy and children haven't escaped yet because the husband is looking for them. The husband starts to call everyone, especially her family. He soon finds out where she is and comes after her.

The man may do three things: apologize and beg her to come back, all the while making promises he'll never keep. He may not say anything and arrive mysteriously without warning to her location and take the children since they see daddy isn't angry with them and at last resort he may threaten her.

Did I say three things? I meant four.

He'll take the children away and she'll never seem them again.

He knows not to threaten her in front of family members or anyone because that makes him look like the bad guy and he's not a bad guy! He just needs to keep his woman in line. He doesn't need to apologize to her since it's her fault he was angry at her. She's the cause of all his misery. He has a right to his children because they're his and if they aren't his, well that's her fault and by good and golly he'll set her straight and get his revenge.

Oh yes, five things.

He'll kill them all.

Nobody ever asks why this violent man believes the woman is the cause of his misery or why he wants to take his revenge by murdering her and the children, but nobody seems to care about this question.

There are other women who society doesn't bother with. Society considers them worthless, therefore these women have no place to go. These women aren't bad and don't ask for trouble, yet trouble seems to find them no matter what.

The women who have no place to go are called homeless. They have no shelter, save for what meager settings the city or county services decides to give them. Often this is very limited. In many cases, these women are left on the street.

These women may have a disability or what is commonly called, a mental illness. This disqualifies them as human beings in society's eyes. They may shout at the air, condemn strangers or yell at themselves. They are re-living the trauma they suffered before on the street, in shelters, in foster homes or broken marriages or abuse from family members.

Predators find these women easily and take advantage of them. Predators in this case are called: drug-dealers, pimps, rapists, abusers, perverts and other homeless.

These predators go after these women because they know society views them as worthless. Another term for these so-called worthless women is: unreliable witness.

Who's going to believe a crazy person who shouts “rape” at everyone? No one cares about the lives of these women who've suffered so much.

Nobody every asks why people don't care about these women or why they've suffered so much and nobody seems to care.

Then there are the women outcasts—women not even given the lower ladder of society's caste system.

These women have many names, some of which are interchangeable: whore, prostitute, slut, bitch, and worthless.

Some women have to sell their bodies to get money, food and shelter. Sometimes they need drugs to deal with the pain they've dealt with at the hands of others. These women have been through a lot.

Predators know they can target these women with impunity. The police don't care about women who sell their bodies. Therefore, another common term for these women ends up being: dead.

Nobody asks why these women have to sell their bodies or why police don't protect these women but nobody seems to care about these questions.

There are women who are known as Trans. Not everyone sees them as women. Society may not see these women as having worth, therefore society does not protect these Trans women.

Trans women face more violence including: increased exposure to HIV/Aids, drug-use, violence from intimate partners and violence from law enforcement.

Murder is a common fact among Trans women. It's a reality and a known outcome for most: knowing that the police will do nothing when you report violence and sexual assault, knowing you have nowhere to go because your own family has thrown you out, knowing you can't even go into a bathroom without risking threats, rape or violence.

Who can you trust when everyone around you is a threat?

Nobody ever asks why Trans women are being murdered and nobody seems to care that this is happening—it just is.

Perhaps the most chilling fact is that children are also at risk for being murdered.

They are not bad children and no child deserves to be murdered.

Children are murdered by: their family members, teachers, preachers, neighbors, police, strangers and pedophiles.

Nobody ever asks why these children are being murdered and nobody seems to know the answer to this question—it just happens.

Knowing that anyone can be murdered for no reason at all is the most horrifying truth. You don't have to be a bad person to be murdered. You can be a good person and be murdered. Anyone can murder you, even your own family members.

I think the most common cause of murder is that the victim cannot escape. Murderers take advantage of their victims who can't escape.

Then there are the murderers.

Why do they murder?

We know the answer to this question: because they can.

Nobody prevents a murderer from killing someone.

People don't know someone has been murdered until they find the dead body.

Why is this?

Law enforcement knows the answer to this question: because they silenced the witnesses.

When a witness suspects someone of being a murderer they try call for help, to tell someone to prevent the murder from happening.

Police are the ones who answer the call.

The police are the ones who are supposed to stop the murder. That's the idea, right?

Wrong.

Many murders have happened because police refuse to listen to the victims: the women who are beaten by their partners, by their family, by their clients. Women who are not considered women are also not believed by police.

Then the murders happen. The victims who tried to call for help are murdered.

People act shocked but they knew all along that it would happen, because they let it happen.

Family members are complicit in the crime when they refuse to stop the abuse, the molestations, the rapes and the murders.

Teachers, nurses, doctors, priests and preachers are complicit when they know who the abuser is but claim they can't do anything. Even when they do report it to police, nothing is done.

Neighbors will tell media in a fit of greedy spot-light hogging, that they knew all along who the murderer was. Some of those neighbors even called the cops.

But the cops did nothing. The neighbors who didn't call the cops, did nothing. The media did nothing until the body was found.

It's almost as if they want these murders to happen.

Why?

The sick answer is: for entertainment.

Thousands of shows are dedicated to the glamorization of women victims. Detective shows on TV feature crazed-but-calm murderers hiding within plain sight. People even glamorize real-life murderers and put their faces on magazines, tabloids and make movies of them.

This is not an effective way to prevent murder.

I could argue for vigilante justice—that we should be able to stop the murderers ourselves with our own hands and weapons. The trouble is, it also makes us murderers.

There are complicated scenarios where the death of the murderer is also the death of the victim—in cases of extreme hostage situations where the victim is still missing. There are also victims who rely on the murderer's well-being for their own: wives who need husband's money, children who are dependent on the murderer and partners who still need shelter that the murderer provided for them.

It's a vicious cycle.

There are many predators out there who are ready to be the next murderer. You can kill one murderer but there are hundreds of thousands more to take their place.

How do you kill the heart of this monstrous hydra?

Teach people not to kill. Teach men not to take their hatred upon women and victims. Stop making victims of people.

Knowing all that I've said here and what the facts are, can you say that you're prepared to be murdered?

Knowing that it's only a matter of luck that saves you from being murdered, can you honestly say that you can prevent your own murder?

Your race, economic background, education, class status, location or neighborhood, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, disability, social vulnerability, and other over-looked factors can determine if you're at risk for being murdered.

There are always statistics, yes. Some people are more at risk than you are for being murdered. This is a sad truth. Many people don't even have to consider this and never have to prepare for being murdered.

Sadly, many have. There are children who never plan what they want to be when they grow up because it's not a matter of when they grow up but if they grow up.

There are children now who are put in cages by our own government because of where they come from. These children have escaped violence in their country, only to face more violence at the hands of more abusers. The children have been forcibly separated from their families and must face this new threat on their own.

If those kids ever happen upon a predator, who can they call for help? These children are vulnerable to attack.

How are we preventing future murders?

When we victimize others we make them easy prey for predators.

We should be protecting the vulnerable and not defending predators and potential murderers.

If we can't prevent the murder of others, how can we expect to protect ourselves from murder?

Until these things are accomplished, the murders will continue.

*

I cannot hope to prevent my own murder should it occur.

There is no one to call for help, since I know I cannot rely on police.

I am one of the unwanted in society with no family and few friends. I am not young, photogenic or popular. I am not rich and I don't have a high status in society. I know I'm at risk for being murdered.

Knowing that I could be murdered does not make it easy to accept.

I know my murderer most likely has committed violent crimes before and is probably a repeat offender. The police may already know the identity of my murderer. There may be witnesses who have called police about my murderer or even testified in court against him. I'm pretty sure my murderer will be a man.

Given the rise of violence against women and violent assaults that have taken place, I know my murder will be gruesome and painful. This is a hideous fact to accept.

I also know that my probability for rape will increase, since police don't prosecute rape. It's very likely my killer is also a rapist and has raped in the past. It's also likely that my killer may be a pedophile.

The police have all the evidence they need to catch this criminal but they refuse to do so. I'm not of any worth to the police and they will not face any penalties for not preventing my death. They know I don't have relatives who will prosecute and that any relatives I have would not have enough money to hire fancy lawyers who are capable of suing the police. Very few police have been prosecuted for not doing their duty.

Negligence is also a perfect crime. The murderers rely on police negligence to murder more of their victims.

The only thing that seems to stop murderers is public outcry. A witch-hunt, if you will. Murderers hate being exposed and condemned.

If the killers enjoy high status and camouflage themselves in jobs like teacher, nurse, doctor, police officer or the like, then the witch-hunt will not affect them.

It takes many people to bring down a killer. People must be united in stopping the murderer from claiming more victims.

Pedophiles are often met with extreme hostility, yet even the powerful manage to elude public scorn and even become President. Pedophiles and killers can also be celebrities.

Anyone who can turn public opinion can be a killer, therefore most killers have a lot of confidence and can be extremely convincing. They are masters at deception and fact-twisting. They can even make it seem like the victim asked to be killed.

You would think this impossible yet we believe it all the time. Prostitutes ask to be killed. Trans women ask to be killed. They're asking for it. How many times have you heard this?

There's a reason predators choose vulnerable and un-wanted people as their victims.

There are people around us who want vulnerable people dead. No, they're not killers precisely but aren't they accomplices? They certainly didn't do anything to prevent the murder of vulnerable people. Some even encouraged the murder of vulnerable people.

Why don't we speak out against murder?

There is fear.

We don't want to be the next victim. That's understandable. When we see murders around us and no justice, then there is no choice but to keep our heads down and stay out of the way.

I certainly have attracted the worst kind of criminals by speaking out about their atrocities committed.

Anytime I talk about rape or murder, all those rapists and murderers come out of the woodwork to offer their condolences and support. They are also quick to offer me a place to stay, since people like me are often homeless.

These White Knights are very common. They are quick to come to the rescue of us damsels in distress, since obviously everyone else has scorned us. We seek help where we find it, isn't that always how it is? We seek help and get murdered in return.

Everyone blames it on us, that we asked for it. We attract these criminals by showing our vulnerability. Anytime we try to fight back, we're punished. When we manage to stand up for ourselves, we're quickly cut down and dragged through the mud.

My own experience has proven this to be true. I'm most isolated when I speak out against crime.

Is it any wonder I'm next to be murdered?

*

Right now during the pandemic, POC are rising up and protesting against police brutality. This has made them targets of more violence and targets of media scorn. They've been called: rioters, looters and trouble-makers. Some are being called terrorists. Some are being lynched. They are still being murdered.

Right now, children in detention centers are facing a new violence: COVID-19 and the government agencies such as: Geo Group, ICE and CBP are complicit in the crime of infecting them.

Women prisoners, some in prison for defending themselves against their attackers, are facing COVID-19 on their own without help from others. The for-profit prisons are the culprits of this new attack and don't care about spreading the virus.

#IamVanessaGuillen

#JusticeforBreonnaTaylor

#MeToo

COVID-19 Pandemic Alienation and Violence Against Women

I can't explain just how alienating this pandemic has been for me.

I'm poor and I live in an SRO.

There's no house for me. There's no kitchen where I can bake bread, like all the housewives are doing now during the pandemic. There's no garden where I can plant my own food.

I have no car to drive with.

My friends are online sometimes and I rarely talk to them. They all live in houses. I do not.

It's even more alienating during a pandemic when you're witness to violence.

I had to call the police after hearing something very disturbing. A man was committing violence against a woman upstairs from me. But the police wouldn't believe me because I didn't “SEE” anything.

The man is moving out... but there's nothing else I can do. No one believes me about the woman.

I can't tell you how alienating this is for me.

Victims of violence are often gaslighted and so are witnesses.

I can't do much more.

People like me are the first to die, especially during a pandemic.

I've seen how the homeless are treated.

It's beyond frustrating. It fills me with rage.

All the normal people are complaining they can't bake their bread well enough. All the people safe in their houses complain about having to clean out the garage now during the pandemic. All the “work at home” techies complain about how slow Amazon is during the pandemic—with no regard to the unprotected workers. All the other people are hoarding toilet paper.

Meanwhile, I still have to deal with violence around me.

I can't socialize very well with people whose only priority is ordering dresses or knitting or baking bread...

I can't talk to people who've never witnessed or experienced violence.

It's a total disconnect.

I cannot connect with these strange people who seem to be another species from me.

I know people who lose their minds from this disconnect. Some people do drugs. Others drink. Some people kill themselves.

I don't know what I'll do yet.

But I do want to escape.

If I'm going to be trapped somewhere, it may as well be nice.

Where can I flee to?

There was housing discrimination before the virus. It's even worse when people don't have any income.

I'm still trapped in poverty. No matter how hard I work I can't get over poverty.

I'm trying to study more about PTSD and C-PTSD to understand my symptoms and why it's affecting me so strongly. I realized the underprivileged suffer more from trauma than privileged “Normal” people.

I don't have the luxury of baking bread during the pandemic.

Judith Herman (about self-/conscious raising), “It was okay to trust your own observations... even if nobody else seemed to think that what you saw made any sense.”

https://traumainform.wordpress.com/2012/07/07/judith-herman-and-the-formulation-of-c-ptsd/

It's too hard to recover in isolation.

I have feelings of guilt and shame. I believe the perpetrator of violence upstairs was taking revenge on me. He knows I can hear him. I don't know what happened to the woman or if he killed her. Cops won't do anything without proof. Even if I hear violence it's not enough to call cops.

I was listening to music and laughing and being myself. I was getting back in shape and watching videos online. I was fine.

And then this creep upstairs violated a woman. He's been doing this off an on, bringing women over on weekends... and I don't know what happens to them after.

Women have disappeared and their bodies dumped—cops won't do anything.

I can't heal in a place like this.

The guy upstairs is supposed to be leaving but the violence won't end.

I don't know how to make it end.

Trying to study more:

The Impact of Trauma on Adult Sexual Assault Victims 2019

Report Submitted to: Justice Canada

by Dr. Lori Haskell, C. Psych., Dr. Melanie Randall

https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/jr/trauma/trauma_eng.pdf

indicate that the reproduction is a copy of an official work that is published by

the Government of Canada and that the reproduction has not been produced in

affiliation with or with the endorsement of the Government of Canada.

My Encounter with EBT (welfare/food stamp card) Discrimination

This is my first time on welfare/food stamps via CalFresh and already, I've encountered many roadblocks when shopping for food.

EBT (food stamp card in California) doesn't cover:

• Household items: toilet paper, soap, cleaning supplies etc.
• Medicine, medicinal supplies
• Liquor products
• Tobacco products
• Certain cold prepared foods/hot foods
• May not be accepted at small stores that mainly sell liquor

If half the store's gross income comes from the sale of liquor, then you probably can't use your EBT card there. I also found out certain POS systems will not accept EBT such as Clover, Square, etc.

Only now have Amazon and WalMart opened up their stores for online purchase using an EBT card but it's not clear how people will pay for delivery and extra charges. Many people can't afford to order food online and have it delivered and the government is slow to make an exception for EBT card holders.

There are also limits depending what state you live in and I was surprised to find California excluded from most of these options.

When I first went to Trader Joe's and used my EBT card, I just bought food and non-taxable items. No toilet paper, soap or anything else. It was about $44, which is what I spend per week for:

• rice
• soup
• vegetables
• fruit
• juice
• milk
• eggs
• salsa, rice mix
• cheese
• meat
• tofu

However, there was a really long line at the Trader Joe's today and I guess I have to go around noon to avoid the horrendous wait time.

I went to CVS to pick up toilet paper and some cleaning stuff like alcohol etc.

When I got there—no toilet paper, only napkins and baggies, so I grabbed those. There was no rubbing alcohol or sanitizer, so I grabbed a tiny bottle of hydrogen peroxide for $1.49. Not too bad. A 3 pack of baby wipes 72 ct. went for $7.29.

The worst prices at CVS? A 50 ct. brown lunch bag set for $3.09 and 1 pack of napkins 40 ct. for $3.29. Big time rip-off. But I figured in case I ran out of toilet paper it would be necessary.

All together my semi-necessary splurge cost: $16.46.

It was not EBT eligible.

Do cashiers know you're on welfare when you use the EBT card? YES!

The guy asked me if it was hard to get the card and I said “No, go through CalFresh.” Then he saw my card get declined and I think he'll think twice about applying for EBT now.

Next up, to avoid the hideous lines at Trader Joes, I went to a small mom and pop shop that used to be a liquor store. So, I opted to go small and local. Not so great an idea...

Clover milk whole quart $1.99.

Corn tortillas small pack $1.79.

Toilet paper: $7.99.

$8 for toilet paper? Yes, that's what I paid because I was on my last roll. Toilet paper by fiora, 264 2-ply sheets, 12 rolls.

San Francisco tax: 8.5%

Total purchase: $12.45

Not EBT eligible on their Clover device (it said it was Declined and unable to process card) but they boasted an ATM which I didn't use. I think there's a charge to use an ATM on the EBT card so I didn't bother.

Then I went to another smaller shop in Nob Hill, which probably gets most of it's sales from liquor because when I tried to use my EBT card, it was declined.

Eggs: $7.99. Nothing is priced in this store and the last time I went there for eggs, they were $4.99, so I know they're ripping people off.

Tomatoes: $5.00 ($1.00 for each tomato from Mexico)

Total purchase: $12.99 (good news: no tax!)

So, I seriously had to spend $41.90 for essentials in today's world of COVID-19.

This was an interesting lesson for me to learn and luckily I have savings to pay for these exorbitant items.

Trouble is, not everyone has this luxury.

I live in San Francisco, so all I had to do was take a small bus ride up (I wore my mask the entire time while in the bus and shopping, as not everyone did this). The areas I shopped at were close together, so I didn't have to go far and I walked all the way down the hill to where I live.

Imagine if you're a person with a baby, in a baby carriage and other small kids with you—it wouldn't be so easy and it would likely take an extra 30 minutes per trip to each store while waiting for the bus, which is another 10-15 minutes per trip. No way can you do this while working.

Also, take another scenario where you live in an area devoid of actual super markets such as the Tenderloin or out in Hunter's Point, where the grocery shortage is well-known and publicized. You can't use your EBT card in liquor stores. You would have to use an ATM—assuming that there is an ATM in a bad, crime-ridden area and that you can afford the extra charge. There aren't many buses out in those areas either, so it would take twice as long to get someplace to buy food if those liquor stores will not accept your EBT card.

It's a rigged system against people who need social services the most and when the government takes punitive action against citizens for using food stamps—there isn't much people can do.

Many state and federal laws have now put limits on using ATM and cash payments through EBT.

This on top of a massive food shortage widens the gap between the fed and unfed.

In a country that spends billions of dollars on corporations and military weapons, this is inexcusable.

It's not like the rich care or help poor people or average citizens. I tell you, not many can escape the horrid scrutiny of the rich upon the poor.

This morning, I got a lecture from a rich person online who had never been on food stamps and they said,

 “There should be limits to what you can buy—don't buy junk food!”. 

This troll had no idea that I don't buy junk food at all and really can't eat any donuts, etc. because I have Celiac Disease. This person unknowingly attacked me when I mentioned that for the first time in my life, I had to apply for food stamps because of the COVID-19 crisis.

It's this kind of narrow-minded, ignorant thinking that has led to punitive measures against the poor and people who are in need of social services when a broken system lets them down.

Not everyone is a “welfare queen”. Your wealth is not self-earned but is dependent on the work of others, on your families' wealth and government breaks you get—which are many for the rich and few for the poor.

I wrote a lengthy paper in college concerning the stereotypes of the poor and the discrimination they face—oftentimes at the hands of criminals who have taken money from the poor (see also: rich senators who sold their stocks during the COVID-19 crisis). Legislators have no business regulating us if they can't regulate themselves.

My encounter with welfare discrimination is a mere slight against me and I'm hoping this will not be long-term for me, though it is a tough reality for many others around me, including some of my friends. For people who need these social services the most, it is a disaster to navigate.

Let's not make it any harder on people who we should be helping, not harming.

We're in this together, let's show some respect and stop the discrimination.

Living In the Age of COVID-19, San Francisco

They're starting to board up the buildings now. At H&M, one lone construction guy was nailing boards across the doorway, so no homeless people could sleep there.

I'm afraid to go out. I had to dress up to apply for the Census job and a homeless man asked me for change.

"For coffee. For some coffee," he said, coming closer to me. I had to shake my head and say, "Sorry, I don't have cash." I hardly ever carry cash on me.

Police at Powell Street Station were telling a homeless man to move along. "I just don't like repeating myself," the policeman said.

The Farmer's Market was still going at the Civic Center Plaza, since they sell food and also accept food stamps. All the bars are closed but the cannabis dispensaries are still open--it's medicine for others.

All non-essential business is closed. Buses are still going, drug stores (Walgreens/CVS, etc.) are still open.

I feel like I'm in the apocalypse. I can't describe how unreal it feels. I'm still in shock. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal but there won't really be a normal after this.

Yesterday, most of North Beach was shut down--save for a couple cafes and food places doing To-go/Cash only. "One party at a time please" the sign on the door said, in order to comply with the health official's request to limit groups of people.

I hope the COVID-19 cases are going down but I think it will get worse before it gets better. More people are getting the virus. A doctor at UCSF has it and he's quarantined at home. We will see more people die. The homeless are most at-risk. The city is still taking punitive measures against them--tearing down tents, taking away their belongings and vital paperwork (ID's, etc.).

It's not right. Our city, government and country has failed its most vulnerable people.

"Telecommuting" is the new privileged phrase on the Titanic ship called COVID-19. Only a few rescue boats for the rich and privileged are available. The rest of us will have to drown.

Already, the news is reporting cases where rich celebrities have been tested for the COVID-19 virus but everyone else is stuck at hospitals waiting for tests-kits that are out of stock. The White House cut funding for the CDC and has not addressed this shortage. The Trump administration is not helping matters at all.

My job is on hold until May. I'm living off my savings. I'm still applying for other jobs and have applied for unemployment. I'm trying to stay busy.

Starbucks was open. Burger King had roped off all tables and chairs with "Do Not Cross" tape. 7-11 was open.

Jobs have been cut. There are massive layoffs. I don't know how this will affect our shipping supply or our food. Gas prices are down but it doesn't matter now. Maybe the environment will improve? It's not much to hope for.

I want to get out. I want to escape but there's nowhere to go. Some people are leaving the country and going back to their home, since they have better healthcare there than in the US. I'm alone except for my boyfriend. My Dad has bronchitis and I'm worried about him. He works for the VA in Oregon and I don't know what the situation is like there.

Most of my friends can work at home. Some of my friends are on Disability. Some are facing homelessness.

I don't want to complain. I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I was facing bad depression before this and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I have to do something, like I can't just stay in my room the whole time. I live in Chinatown. I don't like telling people this but that's how it is.

I've been going online, to a website called, 7 Cups to help myself and talk to others about depression. It helps some. Many people have anxiety about the virus situation. Many have lost their jobs. Some have loved ones with the virus.

It's too much to comprehend. It's too much for a lot of people. It's tempting to shut down and give up. There will be another toll--not directly related to the virus--that people are unprepared for. The mental health of people in this country is fragile. Very little keeps us going. Society is an illusion and if you take away the basic needs: Shelter, Food and Safety--you won't have a society anymore. This is already happening. It will get worse before it gets better.

How do you prepare for the shut-down of society? You can't.

Thrown together with a disaster that's now world-wide--there is no plan.

Disasters I've seen:

•  COVID-19
• The Camp Fire 
• Puerto Rico disaster
• The Oroville Dam threat
• Japan Earthquake and radiation exposure
• Haiti Earthquake
• The Paradise/Oroville fire of 2008
• Hurricane Katrina
•  9/11

The Oroville Dam threat was where the dam almost broke and people had to be evacuated.

Tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, fires, earthquakes... only a few were directly related to me or to someone I know.

On the news, you realize how small our world is. A couple from Chico, California died in the tornado that hit Tennessee. I didn't know them but my friends knew the couple who died.

Everything is precarious. Safety is an illusion and anything can change.