Standing Out in Left Field

I always hated baseball. They always put me out in left field. I would stand outside, away from the other players watching the game, excluded from the action going on--the fast-paced pitches and hits, base stealing and low balls. 

Out in left field I had to stay off my boredom while trying to keep my mind “in the game”. Sometimes, no ball would come my way for the entire game. 

This is how I feel about school, my job and my life….

I would stand out in the field, even though I could bat, pitch and run fast. For some reason I was always put outside the game. I wasn’t allowed to walk out, ‘cause I was still playing and that wouldn’t be “team work”. Only once in a while a ball would come my way and it was my only chance to be noticed (if I screwed up, everyone would blame me, even if someone else fumbled the ball). Once I threw the ball though, no one paid any more attention to me. I was forgotten.

The batters or pitchers would be celebrated, ‘cause they were popular, more loud, chewed tobacco and spit. They would throw fits if they didn’t get their way but they were still heroes. 

Out in left field, I am nobody….

No matter how hard I tried, I was picked last for the team. I wasn’t the one who stood out; I was never the hero.

If I walk out of the game, I will be blamed for not being a “team player”. I will miss the rare ball that comes my way and be blamed for not passing the ball to another. If I walk out I can never re-join the team but I lose nothing if I leave and I gain nothing if I stay. 

I hate baseball. I like to swim and bike and do other things.

Baseball isn’t for me. I don’t need to play baseball.  

Why I’ll never ask for “Help” ever again...

I just wanted to post something and get this off my back.

I’ve been through a lot (which is why I haven’t posted) but I feel this is important enough to post. This account is meant to be objective, and does not truly describe all the horror I had to endure and the resulting trauma it produced in me.

***

I had been through something terrible a couple of months ago…

Due to harassment from a terrible roommate who tricked me into signing a lease with a bad property management company who in turn harassed me, I was driven to a state of panic and severe depression.

I was facing homelessness because of them and was forced into a bad situation with the roommate and property manager where they tried to charge me over $7,000 in a scam. The roommate and property management company continued to harass me and my family for money. I was advised against seeking legal help by the property management company and had no attorney to protect me.

Because I couldn’t get the help I needed at the time, I had resorted to an act of desperation which put my physical and mental health in jeopardy. I did not have a good support system of people to help me through my personal crisis, along with an unresponsive and uncaring legal and police system and due to the harassment I was going through, I felt there was no way out but the alternative…

I had done harm to myself and was shortly admitted thereafter.

However, my experience with the mental health system and its efforts to rob myself and everyone who goes into it of their money and dignity has taught me to never ask for help again.

Due to the laws now, if a person states that they’re feeling “suicidal” they must be reported and therefore treated as criminals, put into a system in which they have no control and helpless to stop any abuse or mistreatment upon their person.

I had entered into the mental health system with the belief that I would receive the help I so desperately needed. However, this did not happen, I did not receive proper care or guidance and was threatened against my will to submit to a system that was meant to entrap me and rob me of any free-will or human rights.

After my incident in which I attempted to endanger myself, I voluntarily checked into a county behavioral health center for observation to state that I "was not going to harm myself or others". It was a dismal place full of bureaucracy, needless forms to be filled out and no trained staff, only 'orderlies' who are charged with admitting you, going through your bags and filing paperwork.

I had to stay the night, sleep in a bed that resembled a prisoner's bed, with no extra clothes or even a toothbrush. There was no one to talk to either. I had to ask one of the orderlies if there was a therapist I could talk to. When someone finally came to 'check-up' on me, I was informed that this person was not a therapist and that they couldn't really help me.

The next morning, I felt a panic attack again but there was no one for me to talk to. I was not given any medication and had barely eaten the previous evening (due to my Celiac disease). I tried to write down on a piece of paper how I felt but when I approached the desk, no one paid any attention to me. I left the paper on the desk with no one acknowledging me. Later, a very rude nurse barged into my room asking me, "What's your problem?". I didn't respond to her rude inquiry and instead left the building at which point I was locked out and could not get back in.

This did not reassure me that I would get help.

A few days later, at the urging of a family member, I returned to the behavioral health center and had to recount exactly why I was "depressed" and "panicked". When I was asked if I felt "suicidal", I answered truthfully at the time, that yes, I was overwhelmed due to the harassment I suffered and depression that resulted after.

At that point, the woman in charge threatened me with a 5150 (forced hospitalization, usually reserved for very violent offenders and patients). She threatened to send me to Sacramento, away from my family or anything I knew.

I said I didn't want a 5150 and asked if there were any alternatives.

She told me I had to admit myself to a local facility and started telling my family member that it was the only chance for me. She stopped talking to me after that and treated me like an idiot who couldn't make any decisions for myself.

I had to sign a bunch of papers that I didn't have a chance to read and quickly make arrangements to go into the hospital immediately or else I would be forced with a 5150. I had to sign all my arrangements to the family member, including financial arrangements and basically my whole life that I had controlled up to that point.

I am not familiar with this mental health system, I did not understand why they could order a 5150 on me because I was suffering from panic attacks. All I needed was a therapist and possibly some xanax. I was not provided with any alternatives besides the threat of a 5150.

I was later admitted to the hospital.

No one told me what to expect. I was only told by the county behavioral health woman that this would be the quickest way to diagnosis of my "condition". I had never been hospitalized in my entire life before this and had never experienced suicidal thoughts or self-harm before. I was never on any medications for mental health or emotional health. I did not think I needed to be in the hospital that long.

It turned out they would force me, against my will, to stay there an entire week.

I was assigned to a doctor who immediately put me on an anti-psychotic (which they give to everyone admitted regardless of their mental health history or current state of mind). I was told this was voluntary, that I could refuse this medication. However, when I later tried to refuse it, they told me I would be forced with a 5150 if I did not comply.

The doctor who was assigned to me would continue to tell me to take multiple medications that I had never heard of, other anti-psychotic drugs that I didn't need and tranquilizers that were unnecessary. He was not a psychologist but a psychiatrist, a person who often prescribes medication without knowing anything about a patient's therapy needs. I was never given a therapist, psychologist, or even a counselor.

Numerous social workers were in charge of "helping" me or rather, they dealt with my case. However, they did not talk with the doctor and most of the time didn't know what was going on between the doctor and the nurses in the facility. Every time I asked, "When am I getting out of here?" They didn't know anything. When I asked them, "What did the doctor say?" They had no idea.

The nurses themselves were equally clueless and often times had conflicting information between what the doctor ordered and what was on their computer screen. Most of the nurses had just come out of junior college and were in no way properly trained to handle anyone who would be regarded "mentally ill" or "dangerous". They would gossip in their offices within earshot of the patients and didn't care about their jobs much. In a hospital system that barely pays above minimum wage, many of them were over-worked and underpaid.

The only good thing I could say about this particular hospital was that they had good food, provided for my dietary needs and had many activities that were guided by other healthcare personnel. Unfortunately, many of the "classes" and sessions we were required to go to were canceled because not enough people went to them, so I was not able to join these until later.

As for my rights, many were violated. When I signed a paper admitting myself to the hospital I remember checking a box saying I didn't want to be photographed. But later a nurse took my picture, telling me that all the patients had to be photographed. They paid no attention to the forms.

I was not allowed visitors except the one family member and due to the Privacy Act laws, none of my friends or other family members were told I was in the hospital or could contact me. I learned later, one of my other friends tried to get me out of the hospital but were denied any access because of this mis-used law.

I wasn't even allowed to receive phone calls. What happened was this: we were allowed phones to call during certain times but when a call came through, no one answered it. Not the nurses, no one. If someone called and asked to see Miss Jane Doe, the nurses wouldn't tell them anything unless that caller had a specific number ID to contact the patient with. So many patients weren't getting calls from loved ones that they should have gotten.

I was never told when I would get out of the hospital. Due to the severity of my panic and the resulting mis-treatment I suffered in the facility, I stopped talking. I would not respond. The county behavioral health people were called and made matters worse by threatening to 5150 me again. They were dead set on shutting me up in a facility away from my family where I had no control. Some of the nurses were against this, knowing that I was not violent and that I wanted treatment, I wanted help. But I came very close to being shut up, permanently, forever with no way out. Not even my family member knew how to prevent this from happening. Eventually, the 5150 order was rescinded but it was still on their logs that it had been ordered.

I knew then that I was not going to get the help I needed and that I had been tricked by one of the county workers, into taking my medication and doing whatever "had to be done" in order to get help. I never got the help I needed. Things got worse.

The doctor kept prescribing more pills I didn't want to take. I suffered side effects from the pills. The nurses were disrespectful. On top of that more patients were brought in, almost overloading the staff. I could sense trouble ahead. I was told by the doctor to just "stick it out". He never told me when I would leave.

Because of the resulting outburst I had, when I hadn't responded, it gave the doctor an excuse to keep me. That and my insurance was footing the bill. The doctor would get paid no matter what while I had to suffer and stay in there for an unknown length of time.

After a week, I told my family member to get me out and that nothing more could be done for me. I was already taking the meds, I had gone to all the classes and done what they told me to. But in the end, they wouldn't let me leave.

Several patients who had been admitted the same time I was, had already been sent home. Besides another patient, I was the only one still there. I could not figure out why they were keeping me. I was starting to get upset and angry. No one was telling me anything. I wrote my name on a board in order to speak with a social worker to figure out what was going on. Nobody came to talk to me.

I got upset and tried to escape out of the hospital. They threatened to restrain me and 5150 me. My family member came, only to be talked out of taking me home by the doctor. I was too upset to talk with my family member. I knew I wasn't going to get out. All they cared about was that the damn door didn't have a camera and that had allowed me to get close to the door in order to escape. No one cared about me.

My family member was told to go home and leave me in the hospital. Now I was livid. I called my other relative and told them all that had happened but I didn't want them driving up because of their precarious health. I called another friend who had tried to help me but they couldn't do anything because they weren't on my Privacy Act list of contacts.

Finally, when the nurses came around to speak to me and said I was going to be in a 5150 hospital I threatened to call an attorney. I had the phone book open on my lap and attempted to dial a number. I started dialing the number when the nurse finally got the discharge papers and let me leave. It turned out the doctor had signed the papers but for some reason wouldn't let me leave.

My family member had to be called back to pick me up but I was so livid, I didn't trust them. After what I had been through, I wouldn't trust anyone ever again.

There was absolutely no reason for me to go through what I did. I was thrown into a system of incompetence and extreme paranoia on the doctor's part. They had degraded me, insulted my intelligence and forced me to comply with their idiotic prescriptions.

In that hospital I had been treated like an imbecile, not allowed to even floss my teeth, forced to wear a prisoner's smock with 24 hour video monitoring in my room, hallways and outside. I was never allowed to leave the building. At night, I was awoken every hour with a flashlight beaming into my face to check that I was still there and not trying to kill myself. I accidentally set off the alarms by raising my hand up to check to see if the air conditioner was on in my room because it was too damn cold. The bathrooms were dirty because the other patients didn't care about cleanliness and they put up stupid signs telling us to clean up after ourselves which turned out to be ridiculous.

Never was I on drugs, been violent, involved in dangerous incidents or dangerous behavior toward others, or committed any crime that would have justified this treatment.

I was lied to, cheated of my money and human rights while they had absolutely no respect for myself or others who were forced to admit themselves. The "Complaint forms" I was given were absolutely useless considering it will be tossed into some file drawer never to be seen again or dismissed because you're mentally ill, nobody will believe you.

Considering that mental health accounts for major unemployment, homelessness and legal problems in that county one would think that the people involved in this system and in charge of treatment would know better but they do not. All they care about is money.

I was charged over $32,000 for my stay at the hospital and that's not including the medical treatment, psychiatric treatment, lab tests from blood draws and other charges. I'm still receiving bills from the hospital and have yet to receive a bill from the county hospital for their charges. Luckily, I have insurance but I still have many thousands to pay out-of-pocket.

I will never again allow myself to be sucked into this system which only uses people and does not hold any hope of cure or treatment for these individuals seeking the only care they may have in their whole lives.

The stigma that surrounds the mentally ill will never go away and to put oneself at risk for this label is a lifelong debilitating curse. I will forever be on the books as "hospitalized" and forever be known that I was "off my meds" because I refused to be put on an anti-psychotic drug that should never have been given to me in the first place.

Due to these risks, I've had to consider whether or not to publish what I had been through. I may risk unemployment, discrimination, further harassment and judgement from people in this society but I think that suffering in silence is worse. I never thought I would suffer what I did from the bad people who put me through living hell and I never thought I would ask for help only to be thrown into a hospital system that sought to keep me there permanently.

I caution anyone else who's going through a similar crisis, and to tell them to avoid getting any medical help in this system. I felt I had no alternative because at the time few of my friends wanted to get involved in my problems, no family member was close enough to help me or understand what I was going through and I was in such a panicked state that I couldn't think straight. I suffered more because I was alone and had no support system.

This is the advice I offer:

• Don't say you're "suicidal". If anyone presses the subject, get an attorney, and avoid getting a 5150 at any cost.
• Make plans: Know who to trust if you are hospitalized and make sure they know what to do, and get an attorney who is a mental health advocate. If you're hospitalized, you'll have no access to your financial records, state of affairs or anything.
• Get an Advocate. Make sure this person is someone you can trust because they'll be in charge of your affairs. No one can give you an Advocate (as I found out unfortunately). This will be someone you've known for many years.
• Seek alternatives: Personal therapists, healers, support, etc. There are alternatives to hospitalization, just remember these people by law are required to report "suicidal" thoughts, so don't tell them you're "suicidal" just explain what you're going through and how they can help.

Also: don't call the suicide hotlines, they don't work. Sorry folks, but these are the least trained individuals and I've had bad experiences both times.

Join a group therapy session but make sure it's independent from any mental health hospital to protect you from being "recruited" into their hospital. Some religious organizations offer therapy groups, including non-denominational ones. Peer support groups are good, where those who've "been there" can share their own experiences.

Some colleges and schools offer therapy groups with confidentiality (remember the "suicide" report law is still in effect with all therapy groups). Local meetings may be listed in the community newspaper or online calendar. Word of mouth from friends and family members can also be helpful and it's how I heard of local groups in my area.

Other advice to know:

• You won't get help. Be prepared for the worst case scenario, many people aren't prepared or equipped to help you through a crisis. If this happens, YOU have to know what to do to HELP YOURSELF. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have made the choice to go through what I did. Information is power and get all the free legal help you can before resorting to a paid attorney.
• Above all: Stay Calm. I know this sounds crazy, but if you're upset and the people against you are not, they'll win. Keep Calm, get an attorney and know the law.

I wish I had known more resources I could've gone to and used but I wasn't provided many choices. There were a couple of free legal help centers and low-cost attorneys for certain situations, but that's all. The county and city services may be different, so make sure you know the laws and rights for each one.

Knowing the laws concerning mental health is critical to protecting yourself and possibly your loved ones should your rights be violated. The National Alliance on Mental Illness offers a Legal Support and Resources link with information.

www.nami.org National Alliance on Mental Illness

NAMI advocates for access to services, treatment, supports and research and is steadfast in its commitment to raise awareness and build a community for hope for all of those in need.

Do you OM?

After hearing about something called an OM practice, I ended up watching a "How to OM" video about it and didn't know whether I should laugh out loud or just sit there and scratch my head in puzzlement...

First of all, the OM stands for Orgasmic Meditation (copyright by OneTaste) and according to their website:

"Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a practice in which one partner gently strokes the other partner’s clitoris for 15 minutes."

The video I watched featured a man, Jacqui, and a woman, Elena, demonstrating how this is done--Yes, they actually show all of it.

In the video, the man keeps all his clothes on and the woman undresses to the point of exposing herself below the belt... her "pussy" (their word for vagina, not mine) is then bared and ready for the OM.

It's all very new-agey and almost spiritual-like, as they get ready for this act on their "nest" (a bed of blankets and pillows) and perform this Meditation until the final point, after 15 minutes, where the woman has an orgasm.

The goal is mainly for the woman to achieve orgasm and is not reciprocal, the man doesn't experience anything other than the "amazing golden light and electrical impulses going from her body to my finger and up through my chakras" (which I paraphrased to that extent).

In the "How to OM" video, the woman achieves orgasm and moans, so in effect it does seem to work! As for the explicit nature of the practice, the woman's "pussy" is blurred for the viewers but we get an actual animated and somewhat graphic picture showing how the man should move his finger and conduct this "light-filled" act.

I'm all for men pleasuring women to have orgasm and I'm glad someone out there is actually showing men how to do this.

Though it can be for any gender to perform the website OneTaste focuses primarily on the hetero couple with the end result of the woman having orgasm--so I don't know how this would work for two guys...

However, I must note how ridiculous this is too. For those old enough (and sober enough) to remember the love-filled '60's, this is a flashback to the days when you could go up to someone and say, "Hey, let's make love, not war!" except this time it's, "Hey, I think you're cute, do you want to OM with me?" And as the case with some of those love-filled workshops, they also charge you for the "secret knowledge of the OM"--as much as $250 for some conferences.

Apparently, someone has marketed this "Art of Loving a Woman" into a money-making scheme and I have to note that most people are in it just for sex--never mind the life-affirming light-filled joy you get when fingering a woman--everyone's in it for something else.

I don't ultimately approve of the copyrighted-OneTaste/OM-trademark-protected-"don't you dare steal this from us"-lawyer-guarded-stock-market-valued business...

Here's an example of why, from the OneTaste website:

The Orgasm Barometer

Get your Orgasm Quotient. Discover how to increase it. Live Powered by Orgasm.

Fill out the details and an Orgasm Expert will contact you within 24 hours to help you discover how to increase your Orgasm Quotient!

That's just bad marketing. Telling a woman how much and how many times she should have an orgasm is really none of their business--oh wait, it is now... that's too much.

The truth is you shouldn't have to pay in order to pleasure a woman or be pleasured. If you're comfortable enough with your own body and are comfortable sharing your body and your pleasure with another, all you need is mutual trust, attraction and space of comfort.

Though in this society, that's hard to come by because we are taught to hide our bodies, that our nakedness is shameful and that if we share our pleasure with another without the protection of marriage then we'll be punished in some form for our disobedience.

Plenty of people go on Craig's List to "hook-up", yet how many of them actually make any sort of connection? The goal shouldn't just be sex, pleasure, or orgasm, it should a treasured moment that you can take with you to make you more confident, secure and willing to share yourself without shame--simply for the mutual joy that you both shared together.

If I sound like an enlightened, hippie-sex-loving woman, that's only because I've had to learn this for myself by participating in arenas where I could express myself sensually and sexually without shame with other like-minded individuals.

But few people are as adventurous or self-affirming as I and so must enroll themselves into these cult-like sex conferences veiled in the "self-help" section of rich, and (primarily white) heterosexual society.

That being said, this OM program does have some steps and rules to follow, one of which is: CONSENT. Obviously you can't just go up to a woman and say, "Hey, can I finger... uh, I mean OM you?" Also, it's more than just fingering, according to the video you are supposed to form a bond and intimate connection with your partner before, during and after this act.

Although the goal is to make the woman have an orgasm, that's not your total endgame. After participating in her pleasure you're both supposed to talk about what you got out of it, what you were experiencing during it and probably cuddle afterwards if you want. You're supposed to: COMMUNICATE & CONNECT.

How far you want to take this sexual/spiritual act is up to you. One person quotes from the OneTaste website:

"I feel God in many more places by feeling God in an OM. I notice God when I watch someone reading a book on the bus. I notice God when I see a man playing with his young daughter. I notice God when I am alone and not lonely." 

--Kasia P.

Just think, if everyone participated in this OM practice, how many happy women in the world there would be!

As funny as the OM sounds, I'm glad that this prudish country is finally opening up to the fact that women do in fact feel sexual pleasure and that they have a right to enjoy it, even to invite it, without some horrible harm befalling them.

It's a start to recognizing that women's bodies deserve respect, worship, adoration, intimacy and love through an interesting exercise that teaches (primarily) men what a woman's body looks like, how to describe that lovely body, how to pleasure it and ultimately adore it.

Oh yeah, here's that OM link with all those funny quotes and the "How to OM" video (WARNING--EXPLICIT CONTENT):

http://onetaste.us

How NOT to Write a Dating Profile

With Valentine's Day coming up I thought it would be prudent to put some advice up about what NOT to do on your profile for those dating sites such as: OKCupid, Match.com, eHarmony and even Craig's List.

(For the sake of writing and explaining I will use terms like Men & Women but I mean to be inclusive of all genders, Transpeople, etc.)

Sorry for the gender bias pic here...

The biggest pet peeve I have and most of what I've seen is men posing with pictures of their children or worse yet, pictures of other people's children. Don't do this, it makes you look like a pedophile and the fact that you exploit children to get a date is wrong.

(I wouldn’t post an underage child pic, but yeah, you get the idea…)

Same advice here for women. Don't pose with your kids or someone else's otherwise you'll attract pedophiles.

With that being said, unless you’re on an adult sex site, don’t post pics of your privates either--it’s just gross (that goes for men and women and whoever else). 

Pictures of you and your bros chugging beer in a bar (or beach binge) is the reason why women don't go to bars to date, so do you really want to post that pic for everyone to see (including your boss)? Unless you want to date a barfly, don't post a bar crawl pic. 

I'm ambivalent about women posing with their friends in bars, mostly because I don't drink. It may show that you're having a good time but it also sends the message that you hang out a lot in bars, so be aware of that.

No weapons--ever! I've seen so many "military" pics of men with their guns and knives or hunting pics with big, scary weapons around them. All that says to me is, "Stay away from this guy, he'll kill you.” 

Same thing with women, it's not something you want to post for everyone to see, "Oh, gee, that explains her road-rage--she's got an aggressive streak in her.”

Pets are okay, just make sure they're yours (and make sure your landlord doesn't see this pic). If they're outdated pictures of a pet you used to have, it's really awkward to ask, "Is that your dog?" and have a reply like, "Oh no, it died some years ago…".

That brings me to the point of: no outdated pictures. Seriously, you may have looked great ten years ago in high school but now you need to face reality and those who are dating you don't want to meet someone totally different from the picture you posted. Be honest!

Is this from the 1970’s?

Oh yeah, no sunglasses pictures please. I want to see what you look like, not what brand of eyeshades you wear. It also creates a wall for the person looking at your picture and they will most likely skip it (like I've done for the tenth time).

No to Bathroom pics. I don't want to see your bathroom, your dirty clothes and the lousy pic you took with a phone while you were half naked. I. really. don't. want. to. see. that. (Same thing for women, and yes, I've seen those bar bathroom pics online *shudders*).

No Girlfriend/Boyfriend pics--seriously! Unless you're into Polyamory (look it up), don't post pics of your significant other, or worse yet, 'black-out' pics of you and your significant other. It's just really stupid and shows others looking at your profile that the blacked-out image could be them next time.

Also, I hate to have to put this here but no pics of someone else that isn't you. It seems kind of obvious but a lot of people try to pass themselves off as Brad Pitt or this guy... (saw this on Craig's List).

For profile pictures--if in doubt, ask a friend to take your picture or pretend you're a tourist in town and ask a stranger. Odds are you'll get a better pic than if you took it yourself.

You are what you write...

For those of us who don't look like supermodels, there's still a chance to make yourself stand out. The secret is to write as much as you can in your profile that's honest, insightful and isn't total bull-crap.

Don’t write stuff like this:

"I am a white male in my late 30's. I am tall, dark and handsome."

"Hey, sitting home getting baked on my own. I would love some company. Come join me and we can watch a movie on TV or just chat and have a drink and then have some awesome stoner sex! Please be cute, under 40 and HWP [height/weight/proportional--not fat]. I'll send my pic in reply to yours! … I'm clean and have had a vasectomy."

"I like puppies" doesn't really say much except that you're barking up the wrong tree. Try, "I like animals but haven't been able to have them because of my allergies", it's honest and lets others know so they don't have to ask, "Do you have pets?".

Be honest about yourself but don't put yourself or others down. "I hate politics and politicians" doesn't sound intelligent, it just sounds like you don't participate in group activities. Say instead, "I'm not political, I don't watch TV, so I don't watch the news but I listen to NPR and the occasional lecture." See? Your IQ just went up 50 points.

Long term dating or one-night-stand?

Let's be honest here folks, it will save a lot of time and wasted effort for both parties if you just state that you're looking for a one-night-stand. Putting: One-night-stand/Long-term/Short-term/Friends on your page is misleading and also means you: 1) Can't make up your mind 2)Are too desperate to bother with 3)You're really confused and hoping one might lead to another which probably won’t happen.

Which brings us to screen names, swearing, bad grammar and such in your profile. Avoid this at all costs! If your profile name is: BigDick2014, GimmeSugar14, Handjob4You, etc. don't bother. 

Plse dnt txt n yur pfle. <--- get the picture? 

No swearing, it lowers your IQ and makes everybody ignore you. Use spell check and re-read your profile to avoid major pitfalls like: Your, You're, There, Their, They're, etc.

Avoid any derogatory comments or slang like: "I'm looking to get with a bitch and hang out", "We jus' hangin' wit' our n*ggers, yo!", "Looking for a my girl... my woman... " etc.

I just thought for those who bother putting themselves out there in the world for the general public to look at and possibly date, this would be good advice to follow. We'll see if anyone will actually follow it.

Sunset Stroll, anyone?

Personally I also wonder about those in-between times after Valentine's Day, what happens to these people who don't find dates? I've seen profiles online that have been on there for years--and yes, they're still looking. 

I may write a follow-up story as to why they're still single: Too picky? Not picky enough? Bad dates? Bad luck? They didn't read this advice on how to write their profiles?

I hope to solve this mystery.

Thanks for reading! Good Luck finding Love!

Stupid men shouldn't tell Women what to do...

You'd be amazed how many men come up to me, total strangers, and start bossing me around. First they tell me to, "Smile!", when all I want to do is kick them in the face and knock their rotten teeth out. Men I don't know, think they know more than I do and offer 'advice' that ends up being totally stupid. I just nod, because if I told them so, they wouldn't believe me--still offering their stupid 'advice'.

Some men I do know (unfortunately) also boss me around and try to tell me what to do. I knew one older guy who told me to read a book. It ended up being Siddhartha and here he was spouting a bunch of nonsense about how inspirational it all was, saying, "Once you read it, you'll realize what it's all about". I had to interrupt his long spiel (when I had a chance to get a word in) and say, "I read it in high school, but thanks anyway". Or worse yet, they say to me, "I don't know if this book is your thing, it might be too cerebral for you..." Um no, dumb-ass, I've already read Einstein and found it hilarious that he thinks the universe has no end (or was that Hawking?).

I read a lot and any man who thinks he knows more than I do, just because he's read a bunch of books by dumb-ass men, really doesn't know diddly-squat. The funny thing is, whenever I ask these men what books they've read by women--they become speechless! They don't freaking know! Or they'll say something stupid like: "Oh, you mean something like Fifty Shades of Grey?". This is the point where I just shake my head and start ignoring them.

The unfortunate truth is, these men think they are smart! They don't even know how idiotic they are. These men start talking philosophy, quoting old dead men but when they're asked about real life, all they can do is regurgitate the same quote, over and over.

And their view of women is even worse...

The same, supposedly intelligent men, think women should stay at home and have their babies. That's it! Women are not capable of enlightenment. "Oh you don't need to worry your pretty little head about that, just stay home and have the babies!" They say. Forget about women's rights or anyone else's rights for that matter--they don't believe stupid people should have the right to vote. I've often heard them say, "Well if they're not interested in politics, they shouldn't vote." Never mind how insane politics are in general and that your vote doesn't count (unless you're a lobbyist).

I've heard nasty stories from these elitists about how they think stupid people shouldn't breed (uh, according to you, aren't women the stupid people? Should we not breed?). How society should be controlled by the intelligent elite and that stupid people are cattle to be herded around blindly.

To me, it sounds a lot like what Hitler was saying about the Jews... Oh yeah! These supposedly intelligent people also put Hitler on a pedestal for some strange twisted reason I can't comprehend. They've all read Mein Kampf as if it were some bible to follow. Disgusting!

Basically, any man that would think they can tell a woman what to do, is obviously very stupid and foolish. Silly men, the world is for WOMEN!

Not that I expect to tell a man what to do, I don't do that sort of thing. I believe everyone should be equal and have their own mind. It's a give-and-take relationship but if you find they are 'giving' too much advice without even considering your side or 'taking' too much of you for granted--it's time to ditch the loser and move on!

Since I am more intelligent that these men, I try to say nothing most of the time. A few times I had to 'correct' someone who was out of line (a despicable man joking about how pretty women are the first to get pregnant, strip clubs, etc.). I know stupidity can't be cured or solved by such means.

Ignorance can be tolerated but not such blind stupidity--such blatant stubborn stupidity. These people are not capable of having an intelligent thought which requires analysis, introspection, empathy and careful consideration.

Truly intelligent people, I've found, are quiet and thoughtful--thinking first before they speak and weighing their words with proper caution so as not to be misunderstood or offensive to others.

Intelligent people in other words, are a lot like me.

My intelligent advice to stupid men is, "Don't open your mouth as much. Listen for once to what women have to say. You might learn something."

To Date or NOT to Date...

Maybe it's the lack of rain that's affecting my brain, making me think it's February already when it's not, but I'm starting to get that horrible feeling again…

The, "I need to find someone to keep me company but can't find anyone in real life, so I guess I'll go online, maybe to OkCupid and look around...".

I need help.

I've been reading horror stories about OkCupid, mostly reading stuff about male stalkers, men pretending to be women to see 'just how bad being a woman really is' and about women making fake profiles to prove 'just how bad being a woman really is'.

I don't know why I bother.

I've been on OkCupid before and met none I wanted to date. I've also been on AOL personals, Yahoo! personals, Match.com and all the other sites you had to pay for (as much as $25 a month!). It turns out, people who pay to have their profiles also put on profiles for the free sites too--go figure. So you're stuck with the same batch of losers.

That's not to say you can't find someone serious on there, but still...

It would be easier I think if I were a woman who's looking for a guy, "for a serious relationship", eventually ending in marriage and children (unless you already have children), etc. But that's not what I want. I just want to date--and believe me, it's way too hard to find a guy just for that.

Maybe it's the status quo: Men have to pay to take women out.

I always go dutch when I go out (unless I happen to have no cash on me and the waitress at the way-too-busy restaurant doesn't split the check). I HATE having a guy pay for me...having a guy PAY FOR ME, yes that's what I said because that's what it is, covert prostitution. Once a guy pays for me, I have to give something in return--either my time, my affection...or uh, sex (which I've never done--yet).

I think there's a lot of pressure for the guys who take women out and if they just want sex, then they're wasting their time--and their money.

It would also be easier if I just wanted sex, no strings attached, sex. But I know I'd feel like shit afterwards. Some women can have sex with a guy and go off the next day feeling fine--I can't do that. I need something more in my life...

I want connection, something in common with someone. I want to get to know them and spend time together, watch movies, cook for them, have them cook for me and all that romantic junk you see in the movies (without the corny soundtrack). I guess in the end... I want love.

OK, now I need to stop. Love isn't for me, it's never worked out. I fall for a guy, it lasts a few months at most then the cowardly guy leaves me (or leaves town and never comes back). I'm sick of it. I don't want love--co-dependency, neediness, putting up with crap and their slovenliness because, "I'm in Love!". Forget love. That's Disney crap.

I've given up on love because I don't believe in it anymore--like Santa or the Tooth Fairy, I've outgrown it.

Maybe instead of looking for a guy to fit my needs and going through all that mess, I should do what other lonely women do--get a pet. Maybe a dog or a cat. But then again, I'm not allowed to have pets at my current apartment (that crappy, unsafe place, where the neighbors drive me nuts with their ridiculous head-board-thumping-against-the-wall, unfeeling, unloving, primitive, rape-like sex).

I'm not sure how I'd feel about taking care of another living being (I have a hard enough time taking care of my own self). But then again, other people get pets and dogs, abuse them, leave them out tied in the backyard in freezing cold weather to die--before they dump them off a road somewhere. So I guess I don't have to worry about being a bad owner.

Trouble is, I do like to travel and I'd feel bad about leaving them for an extended time in a boarding shelter. The way my life is going right now, I'm not sure where I'm going to be in the next two-to-ten years.

I guess what got me thinking about all this was the fact that being a woman, alone in this world, really is hard...

Unless you're rich, have an awesome job with a lot of income (who are we kidding here?), and have some system of support--you're screwed. Women need men to take care of them, that's the ugly truth (unless you're a rich lesbian...who knows?). I was denied a place to live because I was a single, unmarried woman--even though I had a lot of money! I was not on Section 8, but because I wasn't engaged or married, or even had a boyfriend--I wasn't allowed to rent a house for $700 a month and now I pay $690 for a tiny one-bedroom apartment with crappy neighbors--in an unsafe neighborhood where drug-dealers and rapists live.

I'm 30-years-old now and feeling like I'm nearing the end of my life. Call it a mid-life-crisis, but I'm no where near where I want to be in life.

I figured having a significant other to share the burden with would help me some. But I guess that's too much to ask…

In order to fit into this world I'm going to have to lower my expectations--a lot. I'll have to give up my dreams and settle for less, like so many women do after they realize they can't cut it in a world that hates women. Some guy will have a one night stand with me or try to 'knock-me-up' and then leave me to figure out an abortion on my own or give me an STD.

These are the things I think about when I ask myself if I can stand living with a man, who will end up bossing me around--after telling me what books to read and what movies to watch, he'll end up telling me when I can go out and when I can't, he'll tell me to quit my job and have his kids--and then I won't have a life of my own.

So the question is: Do I give up my life to live with a guy, or do I suffer on my own--in a world that hates women, until the money runs out?

I guess I'd rather be single and miserable then be taken--and miserable.

So much for dating…

The Piano Teacher

"The Piano Teacher"

A disturbing film.

Like so many french films and stories that feature sexually inhibited women (Belle Du Jour, Romance, Anatomy of Hell, Story of O), they invariably end in tragedy. The woman must, by the status quo, kill herself and thus annihilate her desire. Because she is a woman and not a man, she is denying herself and society of being sexual and procreating, thus in the end she is punished. The woman is filled with such self-loathing she can't stand it anymore.

The Piano Teacher is no different in punishing women for their foolish hysteria, and because they didn't dare sleep with a man, they must now suffer eternal damnation.

I must say I am quite tired of watching these films that eerily represent my own life.

In this film, the woman, Erika, lives with her over-obsessive mother who is constantly calling her on the phone to ask where she is. Erika, who is probably over thirty-years-old, still sleeps with her mother (her father is in a mental institution), and has never married or even dated another man.

She gets her outlet by going to porn shops, watching films where women are sucking men's dicks and fishes out discarded condoms to sniff while she watches.

It turns out, Erika has some secret fetishes.

In the bathroom, she cuts her genitals with a razor. The movie doesn't imply if she is doing this for some sick pleasure or if she is secretly punishing herself. Either way, it's disturbing to watch.

Erika, still clueless about what she wants sexually, also gets her kicks by spying on teens having sex in a car while watching a movie. She pisses next to a car (the movie doesn't say if this sexually arouses her or not) and is seen then runs away.

The mother is also very disturbing. For some reason (again the movie doesn't say why), she makes her daughter sleep with her. The mother is very insecure, constantly calling her daughter and hounding her about what she's doing and where she's been. She throws out her daughter's "tawdry" clothes and chastises her for anything pretty she buys. Toward the end of the film, Erika tearfully exclaims, "I want you...", and proceeds to jump onto her mother in a sexual manner, to which her mother is horrified (as are the viewers, I'm sure!).

She meets an over-zealous student who (surprise, surprise) has developed quite a crush on her. The boy is a cocky brat who is over-confident and is absolutely positive that his piano teacher, Erika is absolutely mad over him. He tries to seduce her.

She plays a cat-and-mouse game with her student before he confronts her, in her house, with her mother ever-watching close-by.

She has him read a letter she has written for him. In it, she mentions a bunch of "sick" things she wants him to do to her. He is disgusted and runs away from her.

For some strange reason (the movie doesn't say why) she goes after him, claiming she loves him.

Is she really in love or is she just going insane? There are several hints in the movie that suggest this, Erika even mentions a piece of piano music to the boy student, saying that the composer wrote it just before he lost his mind. As usual, the boy is totally clueless to her hints and tries to impress her by playing the music.

He eventually follows her back to the house, claiming she has made him obsessed and proceeds to enact the details of the "sick" letter she wrote: locking her mother up, and brutally beating Erika. He fucks her then leaves her there.

The next day Erika goes to the recital with her mother.

At the recital, the stupid boy pretends he doesn't see the bruises he put on her and he runs up the stairs with his friends quipping, "Can't wait to see you play".

She gets out a knife she has hidden in her purse, stabs herself in the chest then briskly walks out of the recital hall.

End of movie.

Wasn't that cheerful?

I have a problem with this movie.

Not because of the content or the sexual violence (I don't like violence against women), but because it's so WRONG. Let me explain...

The woman character allows herself to be punished, both mentally, physically and then sexually. She is severely inhibited, still sleeps with her mother (for crying out loud!), can't communicate her feelings or even acknowledge what she wants emotionally or sexually. She wields a powerful commanding presence as a piano teacher, yet uses it vindictively against the students because she sees their talent as a threat, going so far as to put glass in her pupil's coat so they can't play at the recital after the pupil cuts her hand from the glass.

All the while, Erika herself is suffering from self-mutilation (cuts her genitals with a razor), and no one knows what she's doing. Her own mother mistakes the blood leaking from between her legs as menstrual blood and is disgusted with her. She lets herself be manipulated by a boy, allowing obsession to form without any control and trusts him enough to reveal her secret desires to him, sick as they are.

In fact, the real problem is, what she wants isn't that sick. There are plenty of people who get their kicks in abnormal ways, if only because they can't have a real relationship. What makes her predicament so abnormal is the way she is going about it. If all she wanted was some weird sex, she could just hire someone to fulfill her needs. However, she doesn't just want weird sex: being subjugated, beaten, humiliated, left alone. The real question is why she wants those things. She feels guilt, her mother heaps guilt upon guilt on her. The one time Erika goes out to get her kicks, she comes home to her mother who tells her, "You're father died this afternoon". Talk about a mood killer! There's really no one else she can turn to.

Along comes a stupid boy, claiming to love her but he too is of no use to her. He dumps her after he finally gets to fuck her. But instead of taking the knife she has hidden and sticking it into his chest, she takes the pain on herself and pushes the blade through her chest.

What is it with the French and filling women with such self-loathing? Is it politically motivated? If women hate themselves so much, they won't run for President? I don't think France has had a woman President (neither has America!) and it shows in their films. But even their term for sex, "The Little Death" is filled with dark intent. Little Death for who? Do women have to die every time they have sex? How horrible!

All in all, it's a depressing two-hour film. I only got the film because I thought there would be kink in it but I was sorely disappointed.

"Luddite Uses Kindle for First Time"

Sorry, I had to repost because Google/Blogger is messing up ALL my articles…

It's a KINDLE!

I've never used a Kindle before, so when the Chico Library had an ad to loan one for seven days for only a dollar, I just had to try it.

I've seen people use them before on BART when I was in the bay area, swiping their greasy fingers along the screen where I could see words scroll across the page in all of its dull digital glory.

What was the point? I thought to myself, staring over their shoulder to read whatever they were reading.

Whenever I wanted to read a book, I brought the whole copy with me, stuffed into my large purse that stuffed my: camera, wallet, daily planner, umbrella, make-up case, CD player and lots of pens and paper at the bottom. My purse was starting to get overstretched. Maybe it was time I considered a Kindle...

I could see the convenience of it. Small, portable with a padded case that came with a charger. A Kindle might be just what I needed if I were to be stuck on a two-hour ride on BART with nothing to do but stare out the window. Normally I would just sit and stare out the window and maybe write something along the way to San Francisco.

Kindles could offer new possibilities--I could read multiple books with one device, without having to return a book or pay those nasty late fees. Some Kindles come with an option to play an Mp3 as you're reading a book, but really, who would do a thing like that? I find that distracting.

But lets get back to the beginning...

Lots of people are using Kindles now (courtesy of Amazon) and their network of electronic books. Why did it take me so long to get one?

First of all, I don't have the money to buy said nifty device. I'd rather get my books from the library instead of paying a couple hundred for yet another device I have to charge to my electricity bill. Secondly, I didn't see the point. I'm not a regular commuter and the times I go to the bay area and ride BART are a few times a year. Thirdly, at twenty-nine-years-old, I'm a self-proclaimed Luddite who mistrusts technology and wonders who's making the big bucks off all this e-book nonsense.

No, it wasn't just because Stephen King had released an e-book online. I didn't even try a Kindle then. It's because I'm dirt cheap and the library offered this opportunity to loan a Kindle courtesy of "a grant from LSTA"--Thanks to Chico Friends of the Library!

Of course, since it's offered by the local library it does have a lost/damaged fee of $159.00, which I'm guessing is the total cost of the Kindle. Overdue fines are $1.00 per day, with no renewals and of course, you can't drop it into the book drop.

Said expensive (black and white display) Kindle comes in a nifty blue case with Micro USB cable that plugs into the device and you can charge by plugging into a wall socket or USB port on a computer. This thing does come with instructions too, on a small laminated card that's easy to understand, so even Grandma or Grandpa might take a shot at it.

Once you get the hang of how to use it, it's pretty easy. Older people won't get the intuitiveness of 'zooming' your fingers on the screen to make the font bigger or smaller, but if you give them enough tries it's obvious. The buttons have no labels, so you'll probably have to label them or write a diagram. Also be careful of pressing too hard or not hard enough. The screen sensor isn't that great and older models are a bit clunky.

After trying the Kindle and fiddling around with it, I soon found something to read. "The Dinner" by Herman Koch (translated from Dutch) is a great first-time Kindle story. Other books offered by this device were, "The Fifth Assassin" by Brad Meltzer, "Gone Girl: A Novel" by Gillian Flynn, "The Good House: A Novel" by Ann Leary, "The Storyteller" by Jodi Picoult, "Suspect" by Robert Crais, "Touch & Go" by Lisa Gardner and "Wild: From Lost To Found On The Pacific Crest Trail" (Oprah's Book Club 2.0 Digital Edition) by Cheryl Strayed.

It also included a Kindle User's Guide, two Oxford dictionary's and My Clippings (I don't know what that's for).

"The Dinner" by Herman Koch is not something I would have ordinarily chosen. I tried a brief read of "Gone Girl" but didn't like the style. It's also hard to get a feel for the book when you're not given a book description (available on Wi-Fi use only) and you have to search to find the cover. You also have to register the Kindle before you can see certain features--for some reason the library hasn't registered any of their Kindles and I'm constantly being reminded by a screen saver to "Register Your Kindle to See Special Features".

When I started reading "The Dinner", it started out innocently enough. A man is waiting for a reservation in an expensive restaurant with his wife. However, the story takes some interesting turns and a lot of dark material turns up within the course of the long, expensive pretentious meal. I can't wait to see what happens by dessert-time.

These books listed are probably on some best-seller list somewhere. Herman Koch, who's won the Publieksprijs Prize in 2009, has written seven novels, three collections of short stories and lives in Amsterdam.

I'm intending to finish the over forty-chaptered book and hopefully write a review of the digital book soon. I'm pretty sure "The Dinner" is a, Book of the Year Must-Read List. So my review of it will be redundant but that's what blogs are for.

There are several things I don't like about the Kindle so far though...

I'm still getting used to the idea that I have to 'swipe' my finger along the screen to turn the page, watching the ever-so-brief flashing of words 'change' to the next page. It's a bit distracting and it doesn't always work. Sometimes I have to re-swipe my finger across the screen or sometimes I turn several pages at a time when I do this. It's a bit annoying and I'm guessing they have some models that can detect the pressure of a finger swipe in order not to have ten pages go flashing by before your eyes.

Also, there's that battery thing that needs charging. The volunteer at the library desk assured me that the battery should last a week on a full charge--if all I'm doing is reading the book--and not accessing the Wi-Fi on it for buying books on the store, reading publications online (with a paid subscription) or other battery draining activities.

Having a battery sign at the corner of your page reminds you that time is limited and that you should read faster before you lose your place.

I've lost my place several times while reading the book. When I turn the device off, it does save my place, however if I'm browsing around other books and reading other stuff, it won't remember where I was before. I'm still trying to figure out the Bookmark thing. I can make a Bookmark, I just can't access it. So I have to remember the chapter I'm reading and use the Go To button to go back.

For the fifth or sixth time now, I'm still getting reminders to register my Kindle, even though it's not mine. I don't want to try registering it in case I can't reset it and the Library makes me pay a big huge fine for rendering their donated device useless. So I guess those Special Features are reserved only for those rich people who can afford to pay to get their own Kindles.

I tried to use the Text-to-Speech feature and it sounded like an off-tune robot reading words to me. I don't recommend using it. Nor would I use the Mp3 feature to listen to music as I read--which are two conflicting activities to me and should not be performed together (like riding a bike with headphones and getting hit by a car because you couldn't hear it coming).

Having a Kindle registered to Amazon may also limit your choices of getting content from other sources which may not share a license with said company (who doesn't like to pay taxes in California).

When I used the Wi-Fi feature though I did see a lot of content to read, including stuff from authors that they wouldn't otherwise publish on the mainstream market. "Rules for Virgins" by Amy Tan is a 43-page book that's available to read once you pay for it. Stephen King also wrote about the topic of guns in his electronic publication of, "Guns" a Kindle Single. At only 25 pages, it might be his shortest work yet (or not). According to Amazon.com, "King's earnings from the sale of this essay will go the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence."

If you're a Kindle fan, you'll probably pay for all the content you get with a subscription fee, membership or other pay-for-it charge.

As for me, I've yet to be won over by Kindle. It's a great thing for the library to offer people and the fact that they're keeping up with technology is a great idea (something I should try). I may borrow the Kindle again if I want to try a new book that they don't have in hardcopy. It's a great place to start anyway. I just don't think I want one of my own to buy and pay for all the necessary subscriptions.

As a writer I think it's important to know what's out there and how to market yourself. So I was also curious to see how these books were published and in what format. It's hard to read a big huge novel with a small less-than 8X5 screen, so I'm guessing it's a good idea to keep your stories short for Kindle publishing. There are other e-book readers out there but the library hasn't tried those yet, so I'm not sure how those are displayed.

They also have Kindle Blogs and for a .99 fee you can read some or subscribe. You can also read newspapers on Kindle. With all the bad press about books, newspapers and printing in general going down the drain, it's good to know there are other outlets for the printed media.

I don't know if you have to pay a tax for these reading fees and subscriptions but that's another thing to think about. Does reading on a digital device count as a sale? It's a good thing I'm not an accountant but I think they would start to charge the use of the Wi-Fi to somebody, not to mention you still have to pay for electricity to charge your electronic device.

Reading electronically may be the future but I still love books...

I love the smell of the pages (and it's cheap binding glue). I love having the book and being able to flip to any page I want when I need to refer to something (without having to boot up a device, charge a battery or lose my place). I love having a book on my bookshelf, for which I have numerous rooms devoted to. I love having my own library filled with books that I sometimes donate to the library or the Reading Partners program, that helps kids learn to read (and hopefully love books as much as I do).

A Kindle can be handy sometimes but it will never replace my love for books. So when I'm done sampling, "The Dinner", I'll probably go to my local bookshop and buy my own copy, in hardback or paperback, put it on my bookshelf or loan it to a friend.

"Hey, you gotta try this book," I'll say, "It's something I discovered on a Kindle and I liked it so much I had to get my own copy".

"Thanks," They'll say, "But I have a Kindle with a subscription and I can get it for free right here."

They'll pull out their Kindle/Phone/electronic-device-thingy-that-just-came-out and find that it's run out of battery. I'll give them the book to try (pasting my name and address label inside of it), so they can read it and give it back to me in due time.

Later they will thank me for giving them the book, since they dropped their Kindle/Phone/electronic-device-thingy-that-just-came-out, and couldn't read the damaged screen. There may be some food stains on the pages but at least I'll know they have read the book and enjoyed it as much as I have. At home I will put the book back on the bookshelf to read later or lend to someone else.

"There's nothing like a good book." My Grandma always says.